My mom has been in and out of the hospital with mystery problems for years. Her doctors have thrown up there hands and declared they just don't know. When she is in the hospitals she has psychotic episodes she gets violent and hallucinates. The last couple of visits the topic of alcohol came up and my mom denied it as don't drink. my dad and my sibling all agreed and defended her that we never see her drink and never new of her to drink. We even searched the house and found nothing. She shakes, falls alot, and according to her doctor is having gastro and liver problems because of alcohol. finaly she explains it with taking cough syrup for a cough she can't kick. Last week my dad found 2 bottles of whiskey hid in her car that she explained she got them for someone else who got them later from her and today she was rushed to the hospital because she fell again and was shaking and vomiting. Once there they got her to admit that she was drinking and was hiding it over embarassment. and agreed to rehab. But when I talked to her later she is acting like there is something else wrong with her that they are going to run test for. That its somekind of mystery illness. What is the correct way for me to procede. I know she lies to us all and she needs to get help before she kills herself. She has chrohn's. I am trying not to overreact and create more problems but I also realize it is doing her no favors to cover or make excuses for her. I will talk to my dad later about all this and would love to know what is the right thing for us to do.
Thanks so much
Brenda
canadianguy said
Oct 3, 2005
Welcome, and you have come to a good place.....
As for what else you can do for you Mom, I am not much help.... she sounds like she is firmly in denial, and is most likely in a position where she will try any and everything in order to keep drinking.... Active alcoholics can lie to their loves ones, and do it passionately, but their first love, at the time, is for their addiction....
Sounds like your Mom may well be on her way to help for her issues (whole other story of whether or not she chooses to take on recovery), but now is the time for you to start some recovery of your own..... for YOUR own health... Al-Anon is a great place to start, and it will help you understand what alcoholism may have done to you, and how you can work on your own issues.... Taken at face value, it is almost incomprehensible that NONE of you even suspected your mother to be drinking - please take that as a sign that you need some help with your own recovery as well, which is a good thing...
Take care
Tom
lin0606 said
Oct 3, 2005
Something which you may find helpful -
THE ALCOHOLIC SPEAKS TO HIS FAMILY - I am an alcoholic. I need your help. Don't lecture, blame or scold me. You wouldn't be angry at me for having TB or diabetes. Alcoholism is a disease too. Don't pour out my liquor - it's just a waste because I can always find ways of getting more. Don't let me provoke your anger. If you attack me verbally or physically, you will only confirm my bad opinion of myself. I hate myself enough already. Don't let your love and anxiety for me lead you into doing what I ought to do for myself. If you assume my responsibilities, you make my failure to assume them permanent. My sense of guilt will be increased, and you will feel resentful. Don't accept my promises. I'll promise anything to get off the hook. But the nature of my illness prevents me from keeping my promises, even though I mean them at the time. Don't make empty threats. Once you have made a decision, stick to it. Don't believe everything I tell you; it may be a lie. Denial of reality is a symptom of my illness. Moreover, I'm likely to lose respect for those I can fool too easily. Don't let me take advantage of you or exploit you in any way. Love cannot exist for long without the dimension of justice. Don't cover up for me or try in any way to spare me the consequences of my drinking. Don't lie for me, pay my bills, or meet my obligations. It may avert or reduce the very crisis that would prompt me to seek help. I can continue to deny that I have a drinking problem as long as you provide an automatic escape from the consequences of my drinking.Above all, do learn all you can about alcoholism and your role in relation to me. Go to open AA meetings when you can. Attend Al-Anon meetings regularly, read the literature and keep in touch with Al-Anon members. They're the people who can help you see the whole situation clearly. I love you. Your alcoholic.
From: ''3 VIEWS OF AL-ANON
raggedy coyote said
Oct 3, 2005
Hi Tom,
I was caught off guard with my moms drinking. All my siblings and myself are all grown and moved out. My brothers live in the area. I live about an hour away. When I questioned my brothers after my moms last hospital stay about if they ever saw her drinkinthey got defensive accused me And growing up and far as I knew alcohol was not apart of my parents lives. I guess it was the last thing to accure to me. I do understand that I can't make her get help. But I'm not going to put my head in the sand and hope it all goes away. that is why I thought of al-anon and was thinking of suggesting it to my dad when I talk to him.
Thanks so mmuch
Brenda
abbyal said
Oct 4, 2005
You don't agree to go to treatment unless there is a problem, you have the booze in the car, the docs statement about her liver problems accept that she drinks and work this program keeping the focus on yourself . let her know that she is loved but it's up to her to get to treatment or not. It is very diff for women to come out of the closet so much shame attached to this disease , especially with women. Love her and leave the problem with her. Louise
ragingchild said
Oct 4, 2005
I was taken by surprise when I found out my mom drank too. I started finding bottles and she was always mouthy and violent, always picking fights, no matter how big you were she'd try to take you on. She is a violent drunk. I knew three years before everybody else found out. I kept her secret for her, for a reason I'm not even sure of. Maybe I didn't care at that point but that's another loooonnng story. Anyway, my mom had a choice. Her choice, me, her family or her bottle. Well, she chose.....
her bottle. It hurts even now to say and know that, but I also know that this is a disease and its an addiction. I also know she uses it to numb her childhood pain. My mom never got help. Maybe someday she will, there's still time for her to get it in control, but its up to her. Also, I my Uncle has Chron's too, and drinking isn't helping him in the least. Drinking makes Chron's worse, he drinks but he's not A. Seems in your post that your mom is in denial, but is going to rehab to get better. I hope that is your case and wish your family the best.
Sheri
KathyS said
Oct 4, 2005
ragingchild wrote:
Anyway, my mom had a choice. Her choice, me, her family or her bottle. Well, she chose..... her bottle. It hurts even now to say and know that, but I also know that this is a disease and its an addiction.
*********I'm sorry, but you are wrong here. Your mom has NO choice. Think about AA's first step for an alcoholic: I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. What was that word......powerless! If she indeed had a choice, she would not be powerless.
Please don't feel as if your mom chose her bottle over you. She didn't. She's sick with a disease. This misconception (if only she loved me enough she'd stop, if I made her happy and was a better person she'd stop, if only she didn't have so many problems and hurts from her past she'd stop etc) causes us SO much unneccesary pain. Please read up more on alcoholism/addiction. Spend an hour as soon as possible and just research the disease. Read the Big Book of AA. You can get it from the library, a meeting, or even read a copy of it online. You will then see that your mom honestly doesn't have a choice. She won't until she gets sick and tired enough of the negative consequences of her disease, that she seeks recovery with the same energy that she has sought her bottles in the past. An alcohlic/addict active in the grips of their disease honestly has no choice.
ragingchild said
Oct 4, 2005
Hi KathyS,
You know I've never looked it that way, much less thought of it that way. It still hurts, but I guess that comes with the disease. I read you're post and you are so very right about her. Well, just one more lesson learned on my way to recovery, thanks KathyS! I do appreciate it.
My mom has been in and out of the hospital with mystery problems for years. Her doctors have thrown up there hands and declared they just don't know. When she is in the hospitals she has psychotic episodes she gets violent and hallucinates. The last couple of visits the topic of alcohol came up and my mom denied it as don't drink. my dad and my sibling all agreed and defended her that we never see her drink and never new of her to drink. We even searched the house and found nothing. She shakes, falls alot, and according to her doctor is having gastro and liver problems because of alcohol. finaly she explains it with taking cough syrup for a cough she can't kick. Last week my dad found 2 bottles of whiskey hid in her car that she explained she got them for someone else who got them later from her and today she was rushed to the hospital because she fell again and was shaking and vomiting. Once there they got her to admit that she was drinking and was hiding it over embarassment. and agreed to rehab. But when I talked to her later she is acting like there is something else wrong with her that they are going to run test for. That its somekind of mystery illness. What is the correct way for me to procede. I know she lies to us all and she needs to get help before she kills herself. She has chrohn's. I am trying not to overreact and create more problems but I also realize it is doing her no favors to cover or make excuses for her. I will talk to my dad later about all this and would love to know what is the right thing for us to do.
Thanks so much
Brenda
Welcome, and you have come to a good place.....
As for what else you can do for you Mom, I am not much help.... she sounds like she is firmly in denial, and is most likely in a position where she will try any and everything in order to keep drinking.... Active alcoholics can lie to their loves ones, and do it passionately, but their first love, at the time, is for their addiction....
Sounds like your Mom may well be on her way to help for her issues (whole other story of whether or not she chooses to take on recovery), but now is the time for you to start some recovery of your own..... for YOUR own health... Al-Anon is a great place to start, and it will help you understand what alcoholism may have done to you, and how you can work on your own issues.... Taken at face value, it is almost incomprehensible that NONE of you even suspected your mother to be drinking - please take that as a sign that you need some help with your own recovery as well, which is a good thing...
Take care
Tom
Hi Tom,
I was caught off guard with my moms drinking. All my siblings and myself are all grown and moved out. My brothers live in the area. I live about an hour away. When I questioned my brothers after my moms last hospital stay about if they ever saw her drinkinthey got defensive accused me And growing up and far as I knew alcohol was not apart of my parents lives. I guess it was the last thing to accure to me. I do understand that I can't make her get help. But I'm not going to put my head in the sand and hope it all goes away. that is why I thought of al-anon and was thinking of suggesting it to my dad when I talk to him.
Thanks so mmuch
Brenda
I was taken by surprise when I found out my mom drank too. I started finding bottles and she was always mouthy and violent, always picking fights, no matter how big you were she'd try to take you on. She is a violent drunk. I knew three years before everybody else found out. I kept her secret for her, for a reason I'm not even sure of. Maybe I didn't care at that point but that's another loooonnng story. Anyway, my mom had a choice. Her choice, me, her family or her bottle. Well, she chose.....
her bottle. It hurts even now to say and know that, but I also know that this is a disease and its an addiction. I also know she uses it to numb her childhood pain. My mom never got help. Maybe someday she will, there's still time for her to get it in control, but its up to her. Also, I my Uncle has Chron's too, and drinking isn't helping him in the least. Drinking makes Chron's worse, he drinks but he's not A. Seems in your post that your mom is in denial, but is going to rehab to get better. I hope that is your case and wish your family the best.
Sheri
Hi KathyS,
You know I've never looked it that way, much less thought of it that way. It still hurts, but I guess that comes with the disease. I read you're post and you are so very right about her. Well, just one more lesson learned on my way to recovery, thanks KathyS! I do appreciate it.
Sheri