My  A wife was let go last Friday from her job of 15 years.  After devoting herself to a full week of drinking and crying, which is probably understandable, now she is fully committed to drinking a bottle before noon then going through rounds of drinking then sleeping, drinking and sleeping.  You get my point. 

 

She raises hell when I take away her keys and don’t let her drive.  So she goes to get wine and I pray she waits to get home before she starts drinking. 

 

Any suggestions? 

 

Jeeves

Hi Jeeves... not sure if I have much advice, but you are going through much the same as I went with my A wife some years ago.... In my opinion, drinking and driving is NOT one of the areas we should simply detach from, and let them do....  What I did, was took away the keys.... when she had a hidden set, I actually removed the distributor cap from her car, and she didn't know why it wouldn't start....

She kept drinking, but at least she had to walk to the liquor store.  That way, I allowed her to continue to drink & kill herself, if that is what she wanted/needed to do, but I took away the distinct possibility of her harming others, including our children, via drunk driving...

Other than that.... what are you doing to take care of YOU these days?  She doesn't sound ready to find her recovery, but that does not have to mean that you can't get yourself healthy....

"she is either gonna drink, or she won't... what are YOU gonna do?"

 

Take care

Tom

 

I think Tom's got it right. She an alcoholic, doing what they do - drinking. Taking away the keys is in my mind acceptable - detachment is one thing, allowing innocent bystanders to be killed is another. Other than that, there is not much you can do for her, plenty you can do for yourself. Do you get to f2f meetings? I know many men are reluctant, but chances are you won't be the only man there, believe me, alanon is definitely for men too. Keep coming back

Hi, I agree with Tom. If I liked the idea of making her car not start. Then ya don't even have to think about the keys. As far as her behavior, we cannot stop an A from their disease. They are the only one who can. There is no use giving her options or getting literature or anything. Whend she feels sick enough she will search out help herself.In fact the more work she will have to do the better. This is how the A knows how serious they are. It is awful to see them killing themselves. We can do nothing for them, but take care of ourselves. Go on with our lives, our passions. If you were very sick, I am sure you would not want your spouse to be made miserable by your illness too. We take a great weight off them by taking care of ourselves. Please know your wife is very sick.She does not choose to feel like this. She may seriously want to stop. I hope you will focus on you and not get drawn into the drama. it is her disease her problem. i have been thru it to where you are and beyond. For me I am at the point i don't ever see the using anymore. I just love him. I don't take the diseases bs personally anymore. If he over- meds or drinks I basically focus away from him. I know it is nothing to do with me. Nothing againse me. So I don't feel much at all about it. Of course I feel bad he is so sick, I love him very much. I feel like anyone does when their loved one is ill. Anyway I hope you give her to your hp. trust she has her own path. And I hope you find your own path, you are really on it now. love,debilyn

Hi,

I agree with the others. She has to want to stop on her own, there is really nothing you can do about that but to take care of yourself.

I also agree with the driving part. That is the one detachment that I will not and cannot do. If there is a way to stop my husband from getting in his car and driving while drinking I do try and do it. I cannot stop him from killing himself, but I cannot in good concience sit back while he is a danger to others. If he was waving around a loaded gun at innocent people I would not just sit back and watch and I believe that a vehicle with a drunk driver is just as deadly if not more so.

                                  Love Jeannie

i hope u find an  Al-Anon meeting for yourself quick, we are enablers and until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change.  You cnnot stop her from drinking , that is a fact.    I know one thing for sure  Nothing changes til "someone changes"      goodluck Louise

Thank you all so much for your responses.  I did not expect all the attention to this post but it is comforting to know many of you are living your own successful lives with the challenge of an A.

 

God bless and thanks again for your support!

 

Jeeves

Here's something I heard a long time ago at a f2f meeting that really helped me see things differently.

Think of a math equation......A + B = C.  Ok, say Your A and your wife is B.  If you both stay just as you are now, your outcome will always be C.

However, if just ONE of you changes, you change the outcome as well.  If A (you) change to D, B (your wife) can remain B, however the answer (outcome) will no longer be C.  Does that make sense?

So, all you have to concentrate on right now is changing yourself.  You're the only person you can change anyway.  Once you use the tools of this program to change your way of thinking, your reactions, your choices, your enabling, your responses, regardless if your wife changes or not, the outcome will change.

Hope this helps some.

Kathy,

 

I am not that good at math but I can understand and appreicate the formula you use.  It does indeed make sense.

 

Thanks for sharing.

Jeeves