Have you ever had the opportunity to watchpreschoolers put together a puzzle? If a piece doesn'tfit immediately, they often push and shove to make itfit, making lots of sound effects along the way.This is how I lived most of my life. I never felt like I"fit" in my alcoholic family or anywhere else. I felt likethe puzzle piece in a preschooler's hand. Instead offorcing myself to fit, I forced those around me. Itried to manipulate and control everybody in my life tochange the shape of their personalities to suit mine. Ieven attended workshops so I could make changeshappen. My personal slogan became "I have to make things happen."
#########ROSIE....for me i was the **coda* changing herself in order to fit in...if i was round and my desired mate/ or friends were square, i developed lines and edges as fast as i could......in my family i never fit......i was always a compassionate/ kind soul....sensitive to the suffering of the world....sensitive to others pain.....people took advantage of that......i just hated evil!!! i hated suffering....i wanted to stop it!!! the only manipulation i used to do was the **silent* treatment if someone hurt me.....or i beat them up if they were attacking me!!!! i had a mean streak in me when it was needed...and i could be vicious to people who were abusive and cruel and destructive....my abuser was that way....noone else was gonna **do me that way* cause i was ready to fight or run if i could!!!!!!! in my child mind i was so empty....so desperate to belong SOMEWHERE......i sold out my own **me* to be accepted/ not abandoned/ to be loved.....i was starving to death of love/ affection.......my way of making things happen was to **act out* if i was not getting my needs met....and still that didn't work.....i was becomming a small bucket that was filling up with hate and resentment......
My life was unmanageable.Fortunately I made it to Al-Anon before I wreckedthe entire beautiful puzzle of my life. The programtaught me first that there's nothing wrong with theway I'm shaped mentally, emotionally, physically, orspiritually. There's nothing wrong with other people'sshapes either. Then I learned that the only piece I canchange is my own. I have choices now. Instead ofspending time with people and situations where I don't fit, I can look for the ones where I do. Regarding thepuzzle of my family, I can't change the fact that I'm amember who doesn't always fit. However, Al-Anongives me tools, such as detachment and the SerenityPrayer, to use when I'm around family members. I canchange what I can and remember that this family gathering, too, shall pass. So I can move on togatherings where I feel more comfortable.
########ROSIE...my life was totally out of control....unmanageable......i got into alanon, in my opinion, almost too late....i am the **11th hour entry* the **last minute horse* to the gate....but i got there!!!! i got here!!! when the temptation to be bitter about my **late entry* comes up???? i say STOP!!!!! lots of folks never get here!!! they never **belly up and surrender*....they keep fighting and keep losing....and they die....broken....bitter....defeated!!!!!! and this program has taught me that i am **ok* the way i am....i am **loveable/ acceptable* the way i am!!!!! i am a precious and unique child of the universe.....i DESERVE to be here!!!!! and i have choices now, born out of a healthy mind now, i can CHOOSE to take care of me/ love me/ be my friend/ set boundaries...and be ok.......
#######ROSIE.....the LAST time......the VERY last time, i tried to **make myself fit where i did not belong* was with that "adopted family" i tried to fit in.......they made promises to me they never intended to keep....they were never there for me.....i was the **puppy left out in the cold* time after time...i got **left out in the cold* or lied to to **keep her quiet* i would set boundaries on unacceptable behaviour and they would give me more broken promises......finally , after many warnings from my inner child, i said " thats it!!!! i deserve WAY better than this/ them" and so i wrote a good bye email....i didn't even consider them worth a phone call cause they never cared enough to **pick up the phone with me* it was an **email* relationship....sooo "personal" LOL........they didn't consider me important enough for a phone call (their inventory..thier loss)......if we did talk on the phone it was on **my dime* always.......so i realized that i did NOT belong there.....i belong with my own family!!!! my own people!!!!! with a healthier mind/ emotional make up....i can set boundaries....be the real me....and guess what???? i fit in better than i ever did before......it was the evil and sickness in that childhood home of ours that caused me to not fit in......my siblings are adults now...not in recovery, but aware enough to know (with the exception of that oldest brother) the other kids know that the evil was NOT my fault....i am NOT to blame, i was the innocent child!!!! they love me and NOW they want to help me!!!! its like a diferent deal!!!!! sure they are **screwed up* but you know???? i can believe their words!!! they are proving themselves to be "there for me" as best as they can!!!!! .......i had to get into that **bs* other situation to see that **love begins within----my needs met begin within* than , as i become more loving/ caring towards me/ i ATTRACT it from the **right others*..........i had to get "adopted" to learn the real me.....what i stand for.......how important "actions matching the words----being there for a loved one" was and will always be to me...... in a way, i suffered abuse!!!!! but i am ok!!! cause i walked away better for it.......NO, i did not fit in with them......i did not/ do not ever want to **fit* where people don't **honour* their words/promises...................lesson learnd?????? i didn't fit NOT because of a defect with me.......but because of a strenght with me...........i was the **misfit* because i will not accept crappy treatment from anyone!!!!......i am not afraid to **move on* to a better fit!!!!! thank you DONE
Thought for the DayMy goal is not to change others to fit me. I aim tochange myself to fit my Higher Power's will."Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to forcesolutions and we become irritable and unreasonablewithout knowing it."*Suggested Al-Anon/Alateen Welcome*
nmike said
Oct 3, 2005
rosie light shines,
Sounds like you are where I am on boundaries. Boundaries help protect you from them and them from you. And then you can be more of an observer and not internalizes everything that comes your way. You doing better than you think you are.
Hope for Today - October 3
Have you ever had the opportunity to watchpreschoolers put together a puzzle? If a piece doesn'tfit immediately, they often push and shove to make itfit, making lots of sound effects along the way.This is how I lived most of my life. I never felt like I"fit" in my alcoholic family or anywhere else. I felt likethe puzzle piece in a preschooler's hand. Instead offorcing myself to fit, I forced those around me. Itried to manipulate and control everybody in my life tochange the shape of their personalities to suit mine. Ieven attended workshops so I could make changeshappen. My personal slogan became "I have to make
things happen."
#########ROSIE....for me i was the **coda* changing herself in order to fit in...if i was round and my desired mate/ or friends were square, i developed lines and edges as fast as i could......in my family i never fit......i was always a compassionate/ kind soul....sensitive to the suffering of the world....sensitive to others pain.....people took advantage of that......i just hated evil!!! i hated suffering....i wanted to stop it!!! the only manipulation i used to do was the **silent* treatment if someone hurt me.....or i beat them up if they were attacking me!!!! i had a mean streak in me when it was needed...and i could be vicious to people who were abusive and cruel and destructive....my abuser was that way....noone else was gonna **do me that way* cause i was ready to fight or run if i could!!!!!!! in my child mind i was so empty....so desperate to belong SOMEWHERE......i sold out my own **me* to be accepted/ not abandoned/ to be loved.....i was starving to death of love/ affection.......my way of making things happen was to **act out* if i was not getting my needs met....and still that didn't work.....i was becomming a small bucket that was filling up with hate and resentment......
My life was unmanageable.Fortunately I made it to Al-Anon before I wreckedthe entire beautiful puzzle of my life. The programtaught me first that there's nothing wrong with theway I'm shaped mentally, emotionally, physically, orspiritually. There's nothing wrong with other people'sshapes either. Then I learned that the only piece I canchange is my own. I have choices now. Instead ofspending time with people and situations where I don't
fit, I can look for the ones where I do. Regarding thepuzzle of my family, I can't change the fact that I'm amember who doesn't always fit. However, Al-Anongives me tools, such as detachment and the SerenityPrayer, to use when I'm around family members. I canchange what I can and remember that this family gathering, too, shall pass. So I can move on togatherings where I feel more comfortable.
########ROSIE...my life was totally out of control....unmanageable......i got into alanon, in my opinion, almost too late....i am the **11th hour entry* the **last minute horse* to the gate....but i got there!!!! i got here!!! when the temptation to be bitter about my **late entry* comes up???? i say STOP!!!!! lots of folks never get here!!! they never **belly up and surrender*....they keep fighting and keep losing....and they die....broken....bitter....defeated!!!!!! and this program has taught me that i am **ok* the way i am....i am **loveable/ acceptable* the way i am!!!!! i am a precious and unique child of the universe.....i DESERVE to be here!!!!! and i have choices now, born out of a healthy mind now, i can CHOOSE to take care of me/ love me/ be my friend/ set boundaries...and be ok.......
#######ROSIE.....the LAST time......the VERY last time, i tried to **make myself fit where i did not belong* was with that "adopted family" i tried to fit in.......they made promises to me they never intended to keep....they were never there for me.....i was the **puppy left out in the cold* time after time...i got **left out in the cold* or lied to to **keep her quiet* i would set boundaries on unacceptable behaviour and they would give me more broken promises......finally , after many warnings from my inner child, i said " thats it!!!! i deserve WAY better than this/ them" and so i wrote a good bye email....i didn't even consider them worth a phone call cause they never cared enough to **pick up the phone with me* it was an **email* relationship....sooo "personal" LOL........they didn't consider me important enough for a phone call (their inventory..thier loss)......if we did talk on the phone it was on **my dime* always.......so i realized that i did NOT belong there.....i belong with my own family!!!! my own people!!!!! with a healthier mind/ emotional make up....i can set boundaries....be the real me....and guess what???? i fit in better than i ever did before......it was the evil and sickness in that childhood home of ours that caused me to not fit in......my siblings are adults now...not in recovery, but aware enough to know (with the exception of that oldest brother) the other kids know that the evil was NOT my fault....i am NOT to blame, i was the innocent child!!!! they love me and NOW they want to help me!!!! its like a diferent deal!!!!! sure they are **screwed up* but you know???? i can believe their words!!! they are proving themselves to be "there for me" as best as they can!!!!! .......i had to get into that **bs* other situation to see that **love begins within----my needs met begin within* than , as i become more loving/ caring towards me/ i ATTRACT it from the **right others*..........i had to get "adopted" to learn the real me.....what i stand for.......how important "actions matching the words----being there for a loved one" was and will always be to me...... in a way, i suffered abuse!!!!! but i am ok!!! cause i walked away better for it.......NO, i did not fit in with them......i did not/ do not ever want to **fit* where people don't **honour* their words/promises...................lesson learnd?????? i didn't fit NOT because of a defect with me.......but because of a strenght with me...........i was the **misfit* because i will not accept crappy treatment from anyone!!!!......i am not afraid to **move on* to a better fit!!!!! thank you DONE
Thought for the DayMy goal is not to change others to fit me. I aim tochange myself to fit my Higher Power's will."Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to forcesolutions and we become irritable and unreasonablewithout knowing it."*Suggested Al-Anon/Alateen Welcome*
rosie light shines,
Sounds like you are where I am on boundaries. Boundaries help protect you from them and them from you. And then you can be more of an observer and not internalizes everything that comes your way. You doing better than you think you are.
In support,
Nancy