Life is complex and my HP is not making it any easier. I don't know if my HP is just testing me or trying to see where I draw the line.
As some of you know I have recently taken in my 3rd foster child. A great 2 year old girl. This makes my house my A, and our 15 year old boy and 17 year old girl The kids are great! My A is in denial and I'm not sure where our relationship is going.Money lately has become a major issue with us.
The last few weeks have been a real nasty roller coaster ride for me. A lot of old stuff revisiting me and my A being himself!!!
Wednesday night he tells me he is going to go to she shore, after work on Thursady, and do some work at a house, he had friday off. I say ... sure... go ahead! He calls me up Thursday morning and tells me he decided not to go to work and that he is going right to the shore. What could I say but... whatever. He tells me he has all these plans on working doing this and that. He says he will be home on Saturday for my sons soccer game(i've heard that one before!)
So he does make it home for my sons soccer game but he did absolutely nothing on Thursday and Friady(great for the income!).... well maybe had a few drinks... or maybe a few tooo many!!
So he tells me that he has to show my kids support..... and all this stuff which he has been ignoring for the last 10 years. Both kids had a soccer game on Sunday which he said he was going to go to also... to show support. Wow... 2 games... I was surprised... well I souldn't have been. He chagned his mind and decided that he wanted to go back to the shore, 100 miles, to go to this end of the year bar party and Of course he left before the kids soccer game.
Also this morning I get up at 7:00 to take care of the chores and the foster child before church. I needed to get a sweatshirt at 8:00 because it was cold. He was still sleeping. I go in, having to take the 2 year old, and he yells at me "What is this.. Grand Central Station?" At first I was going to come back with something but I knew it was useless so I just left the room with my sweatshirt.
I just don't understand. Is he so oblivious as to what he is telling his kids by that action? Does he not know that they don't expect anything from him anymore and really don't want anything from him anymore.
This man I've been married to for 19 years. I've changed in 19 years. I grew up and have taken responsibility for my actions and things that have come up in my life. He is still the same irresponsible person I married.... I cannot trust or rely on him to do anything anymore.
So here I am wondering.... which I have been doing a lot.... what do I want to do with my life? Is my A going to be part of it? How much longer can I put up with his innapropriate actions? What is my HP telling me? When is the right time, if there ever is a right time, to make drastic changes in my life? the list goes on and on.
If anyone can offer me some ESH I would greatly appreciate it. I am trying to keep the roller coaster from crashing! I am working on on minute at a time. I am trying to look at the good in life but sometimes the bad keeps crashing down on me. I am ok though right now, which is a nice change, just lost as to where I am going.
Thanks for listening and for any help you can give.
ditto said
Oct 2, 2005
It's a tough question you ask. Everyday I look at all the work I do. I look at the bare minimum (if that) that he does. I wonder why he bothers to do anything at all since I have to complete the task. Isn't it just easier for me to do it all from start to finish? For instance, he took out the kitchen garbage that was in one container. Then I had to check the other containers and take the rest of the trash out. But he doesn't understand this. He thinks that doing .0005% is doing a lot.
So, I think to myself, wouldn't I be doing this all by myself if I was alone? And the answer is yes, I would be. So, then I wonder what benefit he is to me. I know he is a liability in a lot of areas. I worry about being sued by the family of someone he will kill while driving drunk. I know he is a heavy weight to pull and I shouldn't be required to pull more than my own weight.
The divorce attorney said I need to go to family counseling before I can start a divorce. I managed to find a therapist who is a cognitive behaviorist specializing in substance abuse, ADD, and family therapy. But, he can't see us until 10/10. It has been a very long wait.
The longer I live with this guy, the more certain I am that I am better off alone.
kitty said
Oct 2, 2005
I have had the "benefit" of the program for 20 years... well, I knew about it, had worked the steps before. It seems you go back to square zero. It's all about you, you, you or at least it should be. This is what I am still learning, I have to come first.
When I am in a positive place, I can read other ppl's posts & see clearly, the points where you (we all) answer our own questions. Fear is what holds us back. Praying helps like nothing else does, in fact prayer I have found over the years, is the only thing that has ever truly helped me to have any realisations about anything. Other things of course, may motivate you to pray, a kind word from another or a symbol or sign.
20 yrs ago, I couldn't think of anything positive to say about myself either. I still get depressed & take actions out of fear & try to "run the show, my own way" & then I find myself asking God for guidance or strength or hope because without surrender - without God I am nothing. Without God I would never say a kind word to anyone, I know that any of the love within me is a gift from God... I know I am alive because of God (I did try suicide, twice) it is by the grace of God I breathe, live, am. God is love & light (enlightenment), God is everything, I am nothing but a vessel of human clay. I hope to prove myself worthy. **tfs & allowing me to
Maria123 said
Oct 3, 2005
Sandie,
Reading your post, I feel for your ((((((((((((((children))))))))))))))))). I am the child of an alcoholic who had rage symptoms, kept us in poverty, we lived on cracked eggs and made my mother very sad. Both my parents are dead now. My father the A ultimately left my mother anyway.
I wish my mother was brave enough to leave my Dad first. I wish she had had a program. It was her responsibility to take care of us. We were poor anyway so it certainly wasn't for financial gain.
Of course hindsight is 20/20 however I grew to resent my father in abundance to put it lightly. It was one thing that my mother loved him but we deserved better -- a better life, a loving environment.
I hope this helps some.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
rosie light shines said
Oct 3, 2005
sandie>>>>>>>>So here I am wondering.... which I have been doing a lot.... what do I want to do with my life? Is my A going to be part of it? How much longer can I put up with his innapropriate actions? What is my HP telling me? When is the right time, if there ever is a right time, to make drastic changes in my life? the list goes on and on. If anyone can offer me some ESH I would greatly appreciate it. I am trying to keep the roller coaster from crashing! I am working on on minute at a time. I am trying to look at the good in life but sometimes the bad keeps crashing down on me. I am ok though right now, which is a nice change, just lost as to where I am going.
rosie>>>>>>>>>sandie, when i am feeling like my hp is **pushign the envelope* i ask myself and i ask for REAL honesty...........am i really surrendering my problem/ burden???? OR am i still holding onto it with clenched hands???...........what we hang onto the universe is handcuffed.....i found out i have to totally RELEASE myself from the burden....and to help myself along, i say out loud......"i cast this burden of.........................to my Christ within and i am walking away free of it".........and than i LET GO!!!!!! its hard.....i have to MAKE me do it.......but when i do....i get all the answers i need...........if we keep manipulating life or forcing it to **go our way* we are putting our **foot on the garden hose of our hp*.......hp is **kinked* and his water (guidence) cannot flow through.............just my take, your friend in recovery, rosie
It's a tough question you ask. Everyday I look at all the work I do. I look at the bare minimum (if that) that he does. I wonder why he bothers to do anything at all since I have to complete the task. Isn't it just easier for me to do it all from start to finish? For instance, he took out the kitchen garbage that was in one container. Then I had to check the other containers and take the rest of the trash out. But he doesn't understand this. He thinks that doing .0005% is doing a lot.
So, I think to myself, wouldn't I be doing this all by myself if I was alone? And the answer is yes, I would be. So, then I wonder what benefit he is to me. I know he is a liability in a lot of areas. I worry about being sued by the family of someone he will kill while driving drunk. I know he is a heavy weight to pull and I shouldn't be required to pull more than my own weight.
The divorce attorney said I need to go to family counseling before I can start a divorce. I managed to find a therapist who is a cognitive behaviorist specializing in substance abuse, ADD, and family therapy. But, he can't see us until 10/10. It has been a very long wait.
The longer I live with this guy, the more certain I am that I am better off alone.
I have had the "benefit" of the program for 20 years... well, I knew about it, had worked the steps before. It seems you go back to square zero. It's all about you, you, you or at least it should be. This is what I am still learning, I have to come first.
When I am in a positive place, I can read other ppl's posts & see clearly, the points where you (we all) answer our own questions. Fear is what holds us back. Praying helps like nothing else does, in fact prayer I have found over the years, is the only thing that has ever truly helped me to have any realisations about anything. Other things of course, may motivate you to pray, a kind word from another or a symbol or sign.
20 yrs ago, I couldn't think of anything positive to say about myself either. I still get depressed & take actions out of fear & try to "run the show, my own way" & then I find myself asking God for guidance or strength or hope because without surrender - without God I am nothing. Without God I would never say a kind word to anyone, I know that any of the love within me is a gift from God... I know I am alive because of God (I did try suicide, twice) it is by the grace of God I breathe, live, am. God is love & light (enlightenment), God is everything, I am nothing but a vessel of human clay. I hope to prove myself worthy. **tfs & allowing me to
Sandie,
Reading your post, I feel for your ((((((((((((((children))))))))))))))))). I am the child of an alcoholic who had rage symptoms, kept us in poverty, we lived on cracked eggs and made my mother very sad. Both my parents are dead now. My father the A ultimately left my mother anyway.
I wish my mother was brave enough to leave my Dad first. I wish she had had a program. It was her responsibility to take care of us. We were poor anyway so it certainly wasn't for financial gain.
Of course hindsight is 20/20 however I grew to resent my father in abundance to put it lightly. It was one thing that my mother loved him but we deserved better -- a better life, a loving environment.
I hope this helps some.
yours in recovery,
Maria123
sandie>>>>>>>>So here I am wondering.... which I have been doing a lot.... what do I want to do with my life? Is my A going to be part of it? How much longer can I put up with his innapropriate actions? What is my HP telling me? When is the right time, if there ever is a right time, to make drastic changes in my life? the list goes on and on. If anyone can offer me some ESH I would greatly appreciate it. I am trying to keep the roller coaster from crashing! I am working on on minute at a time. I am trying to look at the good in life but sometimes the bad keeps crashing down on me. I am ok though right now, which is a nice change, just lost as to where I am going.
rosie>>>>>>>>>sandie, when i am feeling like my hp is **pushign the envelope* i ask myself and i ask for REAL honesty...........am i really surrendering my problem/ burden???? OR am i still holding onto it with clenched hands???...........what we hang onto the universe is handcuffed.....i found out i have to totally RELEASE myself from the burden....and to help myself along, i say out loud......"i cast this burden of.........................to my Christ within and i am walking away free of it".........and than i LET GO!!!!!! its hard.....i have to MAKE me do it.......but when i do....i get all the answers i need...........if we keep manipulating life or forcing it to **go our way* we are putting our **foot on the garden hose of our hp*.......hp is **kinked* and his water (guidence) cannot flow through.............just my take, your friend in recovery, rosie