I've been recovering many years. I've used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.I learned to participate in my own abuse.
######ROSIE....i have been in recovery almost 20 months....i used denial all my life.....to really **experience* the horror i wnet though would have been fatal....denial or **disassociation* were my survival tools....and yes, it was a double edged sword...necessary then....an enemy now.......during my sex abuse i **shut down* i literally **disassociated* from the trauma and feelings...to feel that??? probably i would have lost my mind!!! God was good to enable me to **go away* while it was going on.....i went through the **motions* of a life!!! i even tried to convince myself that **oh he isn't THAT bad*.....facing the full truth would have been overwhelming...and believe it or not....i carried this denial with me for **decades* after the abuse was over with.......the end result??? i didn't have any feelings....no sense of self....no sense of my body/ intuitions/ emotions...i lived inside of my head..the external.....the internal (body /emotions/ intuitions) was closed down...in deep freeze......i had no other resources for survival....my mother turned on me when i pleaded with her for help....my older siblings blamed me/ abused me...i had no where, but my denial......like a pow....i shut down!!!! and i too, did risky things/ harmful things with no clue as to how much i was hurting me.....racing cars!!! drugs!!! being in a gang!!!! ...and my pain threshold was so high i am surprised my nose didn't bleed....nothing shocked or hurt me!!! i was numb.....i remember, sadly, i was visiting my friend in this cheap downtown hotel in okla city...(i was living with my grandfather) we were in her room and i heard a "pop"....well i am very skilled in fire arms and i told her "someone has fired a pistol" she and i walked down the hall and her neighbors door was open and there, on the bed, lying nude, face down, was her neighbor with a bullet hole in the back of his head!!! his brains and blood spattered the dingy wall over his head!!!!! it didn't require much intelligence to deduce the guy was stone dead!!!! we called the police...they came...the homicide police came.....my friend "johnnie" and i told what we knew, and i talked about it in detail like it was the frigging weather!!!! a guy was dead!!!! and i am talking about it like it was **no biggy*......i had been so **gutted of my feelings/ emotions* watching my father beat my mother till she bled...cleaning up pools of my mother's blood from his beatings...i guess made me numb....i was **shell shocked* by the time i saw this homicide...i was one very hard hearted character.......it makes me sad to write this!!!! the REAL me is loving and compassionate--- a cruisader for what is right!!! justice and fairplay....love / respect for ALL creatures...and i am talking to the cops about this guy like it was a sports score!!!!
Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me. I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.
######ROSIE......oh yeah, my denial was my spiritual **benzocain* it numbed me, otherwise iwould have gone totally **crackers*!!!!!....i didn't know i HAD needs/ wants......i was shrouded in this black/ damp fog and it kinda moved with me as i moved about.....when i dccided to **tell a safe person* my ex boy friend, i still didn't feel any real pain.....anger???? i was infected with anger/ rage....it showed on my tennis play!!! i hit the ball harder than lots of guys did and still do!!!!! i think the tennis was an **outlet* for my rage!!!! and my horrible/ out of control temper tantrums.....i was a volcano!!!!! when i got into recovery, it was than and only than (20 short months ago) that i would see the **real me* the **real deal* of my enormous pain/ grief.....i vented for 18 of those 20 months.....vented my outrage / grief....and when i hit the giref layers???? it damned near tore me apart!!! step 4 was like being in a burn unit.......having all my skin **debrided* down to the bone almost so that new skin could grow back on.......it was horrendous pain......one of my **crying episodes* lasted 14 STRAIGHT hours...NONstop....if i had to go to the bathroom??? i drug my sobbing body into the bathroom and i sobbed as i emptied my bladder!!!! it was literally non stop......i had 3 huge episodes like that!!!! where every cell in my being cried out in pain!!!!! it was in increments from jun 6th '04 through oct 22 ' 04 (it was so bad i remember the dates).....since oct ' 04 i have had **releases* but mild compared to that....like i would feel the sadness, maybe i would tear up...need extra nurturing, but definetly liveable....and if god had given me this all at once????? i surely would have gone into shock.....i asked God to **give it to me as fast as i can take it* because i wanted so bad to heal......well he did!!!! and he pushed the envelope nearly off the table....but i am glad he did!!!!!!
I still use, and break through, denial--as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed - strong and healthy.Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.
#######ROSIE...for me it is **lay it on me--- no BS behind it* i would rather be hurt with the truth than **stroked* with a lie.....i do not want anymore denial...and i am getting good now at seeing as joe friday on dragnet used to say "just the facts mam, just the facts"....that is what i want.....if it seems to be a bit overwhelming, i run to my sponser/ the group/ meeting....i discharge the scary emotions and i am ok....i have **somewhere to go now* with this!!!!! i still get memories....a word....a voice reminiscent of him.....a smell......whatever and i know it is **old woundology* and i do my self talk, talk to my IC....reassure her that the **beast* is dead, never to hurt us again...."God took care of him...its ok now...i am here....i am protecting" and i can calm down......i pretty much can see reality quickly now.....when i was in that "adopted" family....that was the **test of skill* for me......at first i denied that they were **full of s***" i denied that they were blowing smoke up my derrier....but i did pretty good still!!!! i mean i saw it!!! my inner child saw it!!! she warned me!!!! she yelled at me "hey this is BS".....it took a few months, but i saw it!!!! i accepted it!!!! i confronted them!!!! set boundaries!!!! and finally i walked away!!!!! i will not live with / around people who are NOT trustworthy!!!!! so i patted myself for **seeing the handwriting on the wall* re that family!!!!!!
Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.It's an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I'm also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I'm on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.
######ROSIE ....oh yeah, that "adopted family" was my **hand writing on the wall* that i was moving forward!!!!! i look back at it with gratitude...i say "thank you for this very valuable lesson i learned about me/ about taking care of me/ about seeing it AS it IS...not what i want it to be".....no more **shutting out the truth* .....and i too, when i begin feeling that **shutting down* feeling i call it, or **scrably* feeling.....i immediately ask "ok, whats up???" i get into a meet...read my literature....call my sponser......take ACTION......
I've gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn't my job to run around ripping people's blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.
######ROSIE....oh my denial saved my life!!!! i was in the lion's den, and my poor little body / mind/ emotions went into **protective shock* so i wouldn't feel the horror of what was being done to me......when i see someone else in denial??? i back off....allow them to do what they gotta do.......if it impacts me negatively???? i back off from them.....protect myself....my oldest brother literally **hates my guts* he would rather attack and be vicious to me than admit his **daddy* was so evil.....i accept it.....i took action by cutting him loose from me!!!! i had to to protect me!!! he is not welcome around me as long as he is attacking me!!! i won't **go there* with anyone!!!! he can deny..and i understand!!! but i am protecting me.....i am not trying to **yank his blanket*....i did tell him why i changed my name!!! and he **bashed me*.......i said "God bless....you go your way, i'll go mine" and i walked away.....he can think what he wants...but i will not allow him and his denial to attack me....
I've learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don't have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don't have to be around them. I can wish them will and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.
######ROSIE......well if they are not a harm to me???? i can be compassionate listener.....listen with loving detahment....if they are dangerous to me??? as my oldest brother???? than i am **outta here*.....i am taking care of me......and yes, i don't want to pick up my blanket as a result of his attacks on me!!!! bless him and let him go is my action for me!!!!
I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I'm around warm people, I don't need to use my blanket.I've gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I've gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.
#######ROSIE.....yes, i am more and more attracted to safe and warm people too......the others??? i can listen with loving detachement...render aide if it is safe for me......get away if it is unsafe......i would like to think in my travels with recovery that i have helped people, by sharing my story, take off their blankets so the sun can shine on thier bodies.......thank you DONE
God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself--and others--for those times I have used denial.
Denial
I've been recovering many years. I've used denial many times. It has been a defense, a survival device, a coping behavior, and, at times, almost my undoing. It has been both a friend and an enemy.When I was a child, I used denial to protect my family and myself. I protected myself from seeing things too painful to see and feelings too overwhelming to feel. Denial got me safely through many traumatic situations, when I had no other resources for survival.The negative aspect of using denial was that I lost touch with my feelings and myself. I became able to participate in harmful situations without even knowing I was hurting. I was able to tolerate a great deal of pain and abuse without the foggiest notion it was abnormal.I learned to participate in my own abuse.
######ROSIE....i have been in recovery almost 20 months....i used denial all my life.....to really **experience* the horror i wnet though would have been fatal....denial or **disassociation* were my survival tools....and yes, it was a double edged sword...necessary then....an enemy now.......during my sex abuse i **shut down* i literally **disassociated* from the trauma and feelings...to feel that??? probably i would have lost my mind!!! God was good to enable me to **go away* while it was going on.....i went through the **motions* of a life!!! i even tried to convince myself that **oh he isn't THAT bad*.....facing the full truth would have been overwhelming...and believe it or not....i carried this denial with me for **decades* after the abuse was over with.......the end result??? i didn't have any feelings....no sense of self....no sense of my body/ intuitions/ emotions...i lived inside of my head..the external.....the internal (body /emotions/ intuitions) was closed down...in deep freeze......i had no other resources for survival....my mother turned on me when i pleaded with her for help....my older siblings blamed me/ abused me...i had no where, but my denial......like a pow....i shut down!!!! and i too, did risky things/ harmful things with no clue as to how much i was hurting me.....racing cars!!! drugs!!! being in a gang!!!! ...and my pain threshold was so high i am surprised my nose didn't bleed....nothing shocked or hurt me!!! i was numb.....i remember, sadly, i was visiting my friend in this cheap downtown hotel in okla city...(i was living with my grandfather) we were in her room and i heard a "pop"....well i am very skilled in fire arms and i told her "someone has fired a pistol" she and i walked down the hall and her neighbors door was open and there, on the bed, lying nude, face down, was her neighbor with a bullet hole in the back of his head!!! his brains and blood spattered the dingy wall over his head!!!!! it didn't require much intelligence to deduce the guy was stone dead!!!! we called the police...they came...the homicide police came.....my friend "johnnie" and i told what we knew, and i talked about it in detail like it was the frigging weather!!!! a guy was dead!!!! and i am talking about it like it was **no biggy*......i had been so **gutted of my feelings/ emotions* watching my father beat my mother till she bled...cleaning up pools of my mother's blood from his beatings...i guess made me numb....i was **shell shocked* by the time i saw this homicide...i was one very hard hearted character.......it makes me sad to write this!!!! the REAL me is loving and compassionate--- a cruisader for what is right!!! justice and fairplay....love / respect for ALL creatures...and i am talking to the cops about this guy like it was a sports score!!!!
Denial protected me from pain, but it also rendered me blind to my feelings, my needs, and myself. It was like a thick blanket that covered and smothered me.Eventually, I began to recover. I had a glimpse of awareness about my pain, my feelings, and my behaviors. I began to see myself, and the world, as we were. There was so much denial from my past that had the blanket been entirely ripped from me. I would have died from the shock of exposure. I needed to embrace insights, remembrances, awareness, and healing gently, gradually.Life participated in this process with me. It is a gentle teacher. As I recovered, I was brought to the incidents and people I needed in order to remind me of what I was still denying, to tell me where I required more healing from my past, as I could handle these insights.
######ROSIE......oh yeah, my denial was my spiritual **benzocain* it numbed me, otherwise iwould have gone totally **crackers*!!!!!....i didn't know i HAD needs/ wants......i was shrouded in this black/ damp fog and it kinda moved with me as i moved about.....when i dccided to **tell a safe person* my ex boy friend, i still didn't feel any real pain.....anger???? i was infected with anger/ rage....it showed on my tennis play!!! i hit the ball harder than lots of guys did and still do!!!!! i think the tennis was an **outlet* for my rage!!!! and my horrible/ out of control temper tantrums.....i was a volcano!!!!! when i got into recovery, it was than and only than (20 short months ago) that i would see the **real me* the **real deal* of my enormous pain/ grief.....i vented for 18 of those 20 months.....vented my outrage / grief....and when i hit the giref layers???? it damned near tore me apart!!! step 4 was like being in a burn unit.......having all my skin **debrided* down to the bone almost so that new skin could grow back on.......it was horrendous pain......one of my **crying episodes* lasted 14 STRAIGHT hours...NONstop....if i had to go to the bathroom??? i drug my sobbing body into the bathroom and i sobbed as i emptied my bladder!!!! it was literally non stop......i had 3 huge episodes like that!!!! where every cell in my being cried out in pain!!!!! it was in increments from jun 6th '04 through oct 22 ' 04 (it was so bad i remember the dates).....since oct ' 04 i have had **releases* but mild compared to that....like i would feel the sadness, maybe i would tear up...need extra nurturing, but definetly liveable....and if god had given me this all at once????? i surely would have gone into shock.....i asked God to **give it to me as fast as i can take it* because i wanted so bad to heal......well he did!!!! and he pushed the envelope nearly off the table....but i am glad he did!!!!!!
I still use, and break through, denial--as needed. When the winds of change blow through, upsetting a familiar structure and preparing me for the new, I pick up my blanket and hide, for a while. Sometimes, when someone I love has a problem, I hide under the blanket, momentarily. Memories emerge of things denied, memories that need to be remembered, felt, and accepted so I can continue to become healed - strong and healthy.Sometimes, I feel ashamed about how long it takes me to struggle through to acceptance of reality. I feel embarrassed when I find myself again clouded by the fog of denial.
#######ROSIE...for me it is **lay it on me--- no BS behind it* i would rather be hurt with the truth than **stroked* with a lie.....i do not want anymore denial...and i am getting good now at seeing as joe friday on dragnet used to say "just the facts mam, just the facts"....that is what i want.....if it seems to be a bit overwhelming, i run to my sponser/ the group/ meeting....i discharge the scary emotions and i am ok....i have **somewhere to go now* with this!!!!! i still get memories....a word....a voice reminiscent of him.....a smell......whatever and i know it is **old woundology* and i do my self talk, talk to my IC....reassure her that the **beast* is dead, never to hurt us again...."God took care of him...its ok now...i am here....i am protecting" and i can calm down......i pretty much can see reality quickly now.....when i was in that "adopted" family....that was the **test of skill* for me......at first i denied that they were **full of s***" i denied that they were blowing smoke up my derrier....but i did pretty good still!!!! i mean i saw it!!! my inner child saw it!!! she warned me!!!! she yelled at me "hey this is BS".....it took a few months, but i saw it!!!! i accepted it!!!! i confronted them!!!! set boundaries!!!! and finally i walked away!!!!! i will not live with / around people who are NOT trustworthy!!!!! so i patted myself for **seeing the handwriting on the wall* re that family!!!!!!
Then something happens, and I see that I am moving forward. The experience was necessary, connected, not at all a mistake, but an important part of healing.It's an exciting process, this journey called recovery, but I understand I may sometimes use denial to help me get through the rough spots. I'm also aware that denial is a friend, and an enemy. I'm on the alert for danger signs: those cloudy, confused feelings . . . sluggish energy . . . feeling compulsive . . . running too fast or hard . . . avoiding support mechanisms.
######ROSIE ....oh yeah, that "adopted family" was my **hand writing on the wall* that i was moving forward!!!!! i look back at it with gratitude...i say "thank you for this very valuable lesson i learned about me/ about taking care of me/ about seeing it AS it IS...not what i want it to be".....no more **shutting out the truth* .....and i too, when i begin feeling that **shutting down* feeling i call it, or **scrably* feeling.....i immediately ask "ok, whats up???" i get into a meet...read my literature....call my sponser......take ACTION......
I've gained a healthy respect for our need to use denial as a blanket to wrap ourselves in when we become too cold. It isn't my job to run around ripping people's blankets off or shaming others for using the blanket. Shaming makes them colder, makes them wrap themselves more tightly in the blanket. Yanking their blanket away is dangerous. They could die of exposure, the same way I could have.
######ROSIE....oh my denial saved my life!!!! i was in the lion's den, and my poor little body / mind/ emotions went into **protective shock* so i wouldn't feel the horror of what was being done to me......when i see someone else in denial??? i back off....allow them to do what they gotta do.......if it impacts me negatively???? i back off from them.....protect myself....my oldest brother literally **hates my guts* he would rather attack and be vicious to me than admit his **daddy* was so evil.....i accept it.....i took action by cutting him loose from me!!!! i had to to protect me!!! he is not welcome around me as long as he is attacking me!!! i won't **go there* with anyone!!!! he can deny..and i understand!!! but i am protecting me.....i am not trying to **yank his blanket*....i did tell him why i changed my name!!! and he **bashed me*.......i said "God bless....you go your way, i'll go mine" and i walked away.....he can think what he wants...but i will not allow him and his denial to attack me....
I've learned the best thing I can do around people who are wrapped in this blanket is to make them feel warm and safe. The warmer and safer they feel, the more able they are to drop their blanket. I don't have to support or encourage their denial. I can be direct. If others are in denial about a particular thing, and their activity is harmful to me, I don't have to be around them. I can wish them will and take care of myself. You see, if I stand too long around someone who is harming me, I will inevitably pick up my blanket again.
######ROSIE......well if they are not a harm to me???? i can be compassionate listener.....listen with loving detahment....if they are dangerous to me??? as my oldest brother???? than i am **outta here*.....i am taking care of me......and yes, i don't want to pick up my blanket as a result of his attacks on me!!!! bless him and let him go is my action for me!!!!
I tend to be attracted to warm people. When I'm around warm people, I don't need to use my blanket.I've gained respect for creating warm environments, where blankets are not needed, or at least not needed for long. I've gained trust in the way people heal from and deal with life.
#######ROSIE.....yes, i am more and more attracted to safe and warm people too......the others??? i can listen with loving detachement...render aide if it is safe for me......get away if it is unsafe......i would like to think in my travels with recovery that i have helped people, by sharing my story, take off their blankets so the sun can shine on thier bodies.......thank you DONE
God, help me be open to and trust the process that is healing me from all I have denied from my past. Help me strive for awareness and acceptance, but also help me practice gentleness and compassion for myself--and others--for those times I have used denial.