(((((((((((Tammy))))))))))))))),

I wish the very best for you.  If he's telling you the truth then it can only turn out good.  You will have known that you gave it your very best shot and can be proud of that.  And if not, you won't have to move.

I hope he gets to meetings and/or counseling though.  That will be key.  Because not drinking presents problems too.  They still have their behaviors, just not the drinks.  None of which you can control anyway.

At any rate, please keep coming, keep posting and take good care of you and your children.

Praying for you,

Maria123

Tammy wrote:

---

I thought about it and prayed .. I am moving back today. I have set boundries in that HE CAN NOT DRINK.. NOT ONE..

*******Tammy....boundries are for us.  They are not intended to try to control anyone else.  You are making a boundry centered around someone elses actions.  That is not a boundry.  That is a rule, an ultimatum, a form of control........not a boundry.

A boundry concerning his drinking might be something along these lines.....*I have come to the conclusion that I cannot live in the same house as an active alcoholic.  I am deciding that if my husband drinks again I will leave him.*  Your boundry is such that it's not only dictating to him what he can and can't do, it's going further and saying that if he chooses to drink than HE has to move out.  You are giving him all the power.  You're setting yourself up for alot of resentment.  Boundries are for us, set by us, therefore the responsiblility of the *rules* and *consequences* of the boundry has to rely on us.  We decide what we can and cannot accept.  We decide on what action we will take if our boundry is broken.  We don't make rules for someone else, then decide what they will have to do if they break those rules.  A boundry cannot be used as a form of trying to control or manipulate another person.  That totally goes agains everything this program encourages.  We are only fooling ourselves when we make a decision that our A's MUST stop using and then call it a boundry.  It's nothing more than us trying once again to control something that we are powerless over.

You said:

  We have talked several times about his drinking and HE MUST STOP..

********So you guys talked and you've decided that HE MUST STOP.  First off, an addict/alcoholic will say and promise and agree to whatever you say in order to get you to get off their back and leave them alone.  Haven't you ever heard the expression *watch their feet, not their lips?*  Nine times out of ten when an active A is talking (their lips are moving), they are lying.  The conversation probably went something along the lines of:  You- Listen you really must stop drinking.  You're hurting yourself and us and it's not right.  Enough is enough.  If you don't stop I will leave you and you will lose your family.  Him - You're absolutley right, I know I need to stop.  I agree with you.    

Am I close?

You said:

I guess I will never know if I am making the right decision. I have to trust that I am right HERE where GOD wants me to be.

********You will know if you're making the right decision in a short time.  If things go back to the exact way they were.....your husband drinking, you upset, enraged and confused....then you'll know you didn't make the best decision.  Insanity is repeating the same steps over and over again yet expecting a different result.  Nothing changes if nothing changes. 

Trusting God that we are right where we are supposed to be is a great thing.  I use that saying in my signature line because I agree with it so much.  BUT.....that doesn't mean that we live our lives based on self will, self knowledge etc than claim that we are right where God wants us to be.  It means that we trust our HP, that we get out of the drivers seat of life and allow Him to take over.  It means that we don't *tell* God how we want things to go, we pray to him and trust him to lead us in the way HE wants us to go.   His will, not ours. We seek out His will for our lives, having realized that our will got us to the unhappy place we are at.   

In order to know what God wants us to do, we need to not only pray....but listen for his response.  He responds in many different ways.  When we feel one area of our lives becoming totally unmanageable....that's God responding and telling us we're not doing things His way.  That we're still in that drivers seat and hanging on for dear life.  Refusing to give up our illusions of control.

I'm not sure where you are at in your recovery, but if you've never read the Big Book of AA I would strongly recommend it.  It opened my eyes so much.  It made me look at myself in a completley different light.  It made me understand more of why the A in my life behaved the way he did.  It made me see that I was fooling myself into believing that I was the director of life.  That I was placing everyone in the roles *I* felt they needed to be in and expecting them to play out those roles exactly the way I felt they should, so that everyone would be happy.  Then getting mad when noone would follow my script to the t, when they went and messed everything up and ruined my life once again.  When they made their own choices instead of doing what *I* felt they should do. 

It made me realize that I was in fact playing God and I didn't even see it.

Well Tammy, as an eternal optimist, I am hopeful that what you are doing, is right for you and your family.... Your A sounds sincere, and he no doubt is, with his intentions.....

One thought, which you might want to consider - how about formalizing your agreement with him?  Write up a "contract", per se, so that if he was to drink again, there is no way he can manipulate the intentions that you BOTH have today...

Just a thought

Take care

Tom

(((Tammy)))

I am a firm believer in marriage. My marriage vows are a commitment and I believe indoing everything possible to try and save a marriage.

Please forgive what I am going to say to you, but I have been down that path sooooo many times before.

My husbands drinking has progressed over the years and the kids and I can not live with it any longer. He has emotionally and financially drained our family. I have had to put my husband out more times than I care to count. I love him dearly, but his drinking was hurting the kids and I too much. In order to have me take him back, he has gone to rehab, and when I let him come home, he has begun drinking again. He has gone into an outpatient program, and agian began drinking again not long after I let him return. He has attended AA, and quit and began drinking as soon as he came home. We have also attended counseling together and apart, and again he drank as soon as he came home. He has promised me everything but the moon in order to come home, and broke the promises as soon as he felt comfortable at home again. Each time it is the same story different date and we all get hurt.

We are again apart, but this time I want no promises. I don't know what the future holds, I love him and am very married to him, but I won't hear any more lies.

It is now truly in the hands of my HP, if he is to be home, I will know it. I don't know how are why, and I will not accept his drinking, I can't. I want my marriage and my husband, but I am not sure of what my HP wants, I have to believe I will know.

I was ready for my husband to stop drinking, but he wasn't, he was humering me, talking the talk, without the walk. It has to be up to him, he has to be ready.

I am not telling you not to hope or not to give him a chance, I am just saying, he might be telling you what you want to hear. I agree with the above post, by you saying he cannot drink, you are calling the shots. He has to decide it. One day at a time.

I hope and pray, it is the real thing for you. But alcoholics lie, just as much (or maybe more) as they drink.

                                       Love Jeannie