My husband is an alcoholic.  Our marriage is a second marriage;we will be married three years this November.  My husband has stopped going to church with me and has been drinking while I am away at church activites.  He has also stopped doing anything around the house and seems to be distant with me in all areas of our marriage.  Three weeks ago he disappeared for two days, then wanted to come home.  He came home and again, he has disappeared.  He told me he wasn't happy with my son at our house and was not happy living there.  My son (19) was living with me when we married.  I have tried to be a Christian about this, but am I doing the right thing when he disappears like this?  Thanks for your advice.

He is doing what alcoholics do,,they run away from their problems, and they drink to mask the pain of whatever is bothering them. Now you must take the focus off of him and place it where it belongs,, on you. I know it is hard but try detaching, and try not to let his "stuff" affect you. I would encourage you to attend alanon meetings, they will help you in your struggles. Try not to take whatever he does personally, once again very hard  to do,,but we do have a saying in alanon,,,"fake it til we make it"..Keep coming back,,there is hope,,,,gardengal

Hi Meowzmusic,

You are in the right place. Sounds like the typical progression of the disease of alcoholism.  I, too, have experienced what you are going thru.  As the disease progresses the next drink becomes what is important to an alcoholic.  He does not drink because he is unhappy with your son living at your house, he drinks because he is an alcoholic. 

Have you heard the 3 C's...I did not cause it; I cannot cure it; and I cannot control it.  Neither you, nor your son is responsible for your husband's drinking.  You cannot do anything about him but you can do lots for yourself.  Do you attend face-to-face Alanon meetings in your area.  They can be very helpful to you as you will learn about the disease, you will learn what you need to do for yourself, you will learn tools for coping with the disease, you will learn how to detach from the disease and not the person, you will learn how to set boundaries for yourself and you will find that you can be happy whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not.  We welcome you to try our meetings.

Here in Al-Anon we do not give advice.  It is suggested you attend meetings for six months before you make any major life changing decisions for your life.  There are regular Al-anon meetings held here on-line with open chat afterwards and the chatroom is open 24/7.

I am so glad you found us and hope to you see you at our on-line meetings as well as keep posting here on the message board.  There are many of us here who have been right where you are.  This room provides lots of warmth, support and love for the families of alcoholics.  We understand as few others can and we openly share our experience, strength and hope. 

Love in recovery - Jeri 

 

 

 

Since this concern you are raising is in regard to your Christianity and it is obvious you are an active church member, I would recommend that you talk with your Pastor about Christian marriage. I too, struggled with the concept of divorce due to my values and beliefs in my faith and scripture-- particularly living a life as God wants us to.... I didn't know what was and was not acceptable in marriage or divorce and how God portrayed either because I hadn't been a believer of God initially. However, as the end of my relationship was nearing due to much abuse, I sought counseling with as many Christian counselors and Pastors to help me understand scripture more and its stand on divorce. In turn, I learned so much and most importantly that a man should treat their wife as Christ treats the church-- with complete love and respect. Additionally, God wants us to be equally yoked and when we are in abusive relationships, whether emotionally, mentally or physically it is damaging to our spiritual relationship. When that occurs, our most crucial and important analysis should be that of our spiritual life because if our relationship with God is weak, then all else around us will continue to weaken. I answer this with what I sought when I questioned my beliefs as a Christian when I was in an abusive, unhealthy marriage of 12 years. In turn, I learned something VERY important-- That God wants us to FIRST be committed to Him and be weary of ANYONE who stands in the way of our relationship with God. However, He is also clear that we should love a non-believer because by us loving as a Christian and Jesus taught us, we might possibly aid in that non-believer being saved. However, if that non-believer continues to choose to deny the way to God and we've brought several others (you mentioned he is no longer going to church with you) to help you aid in his understanding, yet he resists, you must not be equally yoked. You can talk further with your Pastor about this, as you may get different perceptions, but ultimately when we are unequally yoked what that means is that one is weaker than the other-- typically this is okay. However, an analogy of this would be.... First of all a yoke is like a harness that they used around either a donkey or an oxen's neck to pull a cart. The two together would be "yoked" together to pull this cart a distance. Because the donkey was much weaker than the oxen, eventually the donkey broke down the oxen because the oxen had to accommodate for the donkey's lack of strength. This is the same of an uequally yoked relationship and as one person breaks down the strength of another, it should be taken as something that God does not approve of because it is damaging to the relationship with Him. Again, though-- this is a touchy analogy because scripture also says that we need to be there for non-believers as I indicated above. So best advice I can give is that you research all of this, talk with as many Christians as you can-- but ultimately, give it to God and listen to your heart. God WILL help you make a decision. He helped me and in turn, through my divorce I found the most peace in my life I have ever experienced. My decision for divorce was time consuming because I wanted to be sure my relationship with God was not affected. When I came to realize that it wasn't even an issue because ultimately I learned that God forgives us when our hearts our sincere to Him and he gave us the blood of Jesus to cover and forgive us of our sins as a constant reminder that He loves us despite our inadequacies. We are here to learn and with each mistake we grow stronger--- Our most important goal in this life as Christians is to strengthen our relationship with God and by being who we are, hopefully helping others understand that importance-- just by our actions and words, kind loving, compassionate hearts we can make a difference. However, Satan will ALWAYS throw obstacles in our way to keep us from getting there or strengthening that relationship and one of the BEST ways to get to us is through our loved ones or the people in our lives that we consider family. My prayers are with you..... Just seek some spiritual counseling and be still, reflect and give it all to God in prayer. You will know the answer when the time is right and God will give you peace in your heart, mind, and soul. Take Care.

I too think Al-Anon could help you and your son.  If he is citing your son as a reason to not be in the home, that has to be having an affect on your son.  Your a is drinking and, as was said above, you didn't cause it, can't control it or cure it.  But you can have compassion for it.  And you can learn to take good care of yourself and leave him to the dignity of his own choices and consequences. 

{{{{{{Meowzmusic}}}}}

Thank you for your response and all of the other members who responded to me.  He did call and asked if he could sleep there (at the house) the night he came home.  He then told me our marriage was stale and he didn't know what he wanted.  Do alcoholics turn the tables on people?  That is what this feels like, almost as if he wants to pass the blame.  Am I reading this right?  Now that he is home, everything seems like it was before, he is content.  When I ask him questions, he just replies, "I don't know."  The only thing I get is he feels trapped and that if he wants to stop and have a beer with a friend, he feels he can't because I would be asking where he was.  Another woman has crossed my mind. Then again, I wonder if his love affair is really with the alcohol.