one more thought: if this $25 doesn't get paid tomorrow for this drivers license thing, and a warrant DOES got out for his arrest, it will be ALL my fault for not giving him the $25, in his mind.
after i wrote my replies to my two previous posts, i read the sheet about his payments on this thing, and it says there is a drop box. cuz he is expecting me to drive way to the south side of town to pay this thing, and with gas prices the way they are....that much driving is just not in my budget. so i told him, i will write out a check for the $25, you write me a check for the same amt., and YOU drop it off in the drop box before work tomorrow (complete opposite direction of his work). so THEN he adds to his story that the lady said the payment needs to be IN THE office, and he needs a receipt. BULLSHIT! i said, well, then figure out another solution. that' s my offer. and i walked away. grr! abby would say, 'lori, why are you STILL even DISCUSSING this situation with him!!! lol! cuz i still have a lot of growing to do...obviously!
God! i just can't believe how he keeps changing the story, just to get ME to pay it, and get ME to deliver the payment! grrr!!!!! probably, he has plenty of money to pay it, but he's just trying to get ME to do it so he has drinking money next week!
ok, i'm done for tonite. bear with me, people. i may sound nuts, but i wear my heart on my sleeve, and all my thoughts too, and it truly does help me to just write it all out, crazy as i may sound, so i can hopefully come out on the right end.
thanks for putting up with me! someday you'll marvel at how sane i sound! lol! seriously, this whole situation really is causing me great anxiety. cuz i want to do the right thing. obviously, that's not easy for me, in this particular situation! cuz no matter which way i go, there's a price.
lori
roygbiv said
Sep 30, 2005
Hi,
The money thing is a big issue with alcoholics. You may "fix" this money problem today or not. There will be another and another and another and another. It's part of the disease.
When I first met my A, like an idiot, I mentioned that I had $1000 credit on my credit card. It wasn't until much later I realized, when I said that, in his mind the $1000 automatically became his. His focus was on how to spend it or create the need for me to bail him out. I did end up getting cash advances to cover his bad rent checks. I didn't want to be evicted and be homeless. He eventually was evicted and we both became homeless (with housing), so it only delayed the inevitable. I'm probably still paying those cash advances off three years later. I also found out that even when he said he was broke, he wasn't counting his cigarette money, his coffee money, and his emergency $20 bill in his wallet.
It's called the selfish disease.
There is a really good Alanon brochure in the Alanon newcomer packet that talks about the alcoholic's two weapons: Creating Anxiety and Provoking Anger. I assume you have a packet. Find it and read it. I think it's a brown brochure. It's one of my all time favorites and explained a lot to me. I was with a sober alcoholic and he was attending more than one AA meeting a day, but that pattern doesn't stop when they stop drinking.
He's creating anxiety now. Making you feel responsible for his mess-ups and pressuring you to bail him out. It doesn't help his disease to bail him out. It creates a soft cushion for him to land. Unfortunately, you are in "the wreakage of his past" which is the wreakage of his present now. You are close to the fire and will get burned, so it will avail you to learn as much as you can and open your eyes to this disease.
You can't control what his job thinks of his drinking. Of course, they only want him to drink on weekends! The alcoholic never changes because his family wants him to, it's when the job or the law steps in. The job will only cushion his fall for a short time, and the law doesn't like to cushion anyone's fall. He needs to feel every single consequense of his actions. You're starting to get a little black and blue from cushioning the falls.
The other thing I have heard from oldtimers in AA, that they don't want to hear anything from an A that hasn't been sober for at least 5 years. They don't want to hear the excuses, the pontificating, the twisted reasoning, nothing, nada, zip. They don't want to hear the "but she she she's." That's good advice for us too. The disease lies.
one more thought: if this $25 doesn't get paid tomorrow for this drivers license thing, and a warrant DOES got out for his arrest, it will be ALL my fault for not giving him the $25, in his mind.
after i wrote my replies to my two previous posts, i read the sheet about his payments on this thing, and it says there is a drop box. cuz he is expecting me to drive way to the south side of town to pay this thing, and with gas prices the way they are....that much driving is just not in my budget. so i told him, i will write out a check for the $25, you write me a check for the same amt., and YOU drop it off in the drop box before work tomorrow (complete opposite direction of his work). so THEN he adds to his story that the lady said the payment needs to be IN THE office, and he needs a receipt. BULLSHIT! i said, well, then figure out another solution. that' s my offer. and i walked away. grr! abby would say, 'lori, why are you STILL even DISCUSSING this situation with him!!! lol! cuz i still have a lot of growing to do...obviously!
God! i just can't believe how he keeps changing the story, just to get ME to pay it, and get ME to deliver the payment! grrr!!!!! probably, he has plenty of money to pay it, but he's just trying to get ME to do it so he has drinking money next week!
ok, i'm done for tonite. bear with me, people. i may sound nuts, but i wear my heart on my sleeve, and all my thoughts too, and it truly does help me to just write it all out, crazy as i may sound, so i can hopefully come out on the right end.
thanks for putting up with me! someday you'll marvel at how sane i sound! lol! seriously, this whole situation really is causing me great anxiety. cuz i want to do the right thing. obviously, that's not easy for me, in this particular situation! cuz no matter which way i go, there's a price.
lori
Hi,
The money thing is a big issue with alcoholics. You may "fix" this money problem today or not. There will be another and another and another and another. It's part of the disease.
When I first met my A, like an idiot, I mentioned that I had $1000 credit on my credit card. It wasn't until much later I realized, when I said that, in his mind the $1000 automatically became his. His focus was on how to spend it or create the need for me to bail him out. I did end up getting cash advances to cover his bad rent checks. I didn't want to be evicted and be homeless. He eventually was evicted and we both became homeless (with housing), so it only delayed the inevitable. I'm probably still paying those cash advances off three years later. I also found out that even when he said he was broke, he wasn't counting his cigarette money, his coffee money, and his emergency $20 bill in his wallet.
It's called the selfish disease.
There is a really good Alanon brochure in the Alanon newcomer packet that talks about the alcoholic's two weapons: Creating Anxiety and Provoking Anger. I assume you have a packet. Find it and read it. I think it's a brown brochure. It's one of my all time favorites and explained a lot to me. I was with a sober alcoholic and he was attending more than one AA meeting a day, but that pattern doesn't stop when they stop drinking.
He's creating anxiety now. Making you feel responsible for his mess-ups and pressuring you to bail him out. It doesn't help his disease to bail him out. It creates a soft cushion for him to land. Unfortunately, you are in "the wreakage of his past" which is the wreakage of his present now. You are close to the fire and will get burned, so it will avail you to learn as much as you can and open your eyes to this disease.
You can't control what his job thinks of his drinking. Of course, they only want him to drink on weekends! The alcoholic never changes because his family wants him to, it's when the job or the law steps in. The job will only cushion his fall for a short time, and the law doesn't like to cushion anyone's fall. He needs to feel every single consequense of his actions. You're starting to get a little black and blue from cushioning the falls.
The other thing I have heard from oldtimers in AA, that they don't want to hear anything from an A that hasn't been sober for at least 5 years. They don't want to hear the excuses, the pontificating, the twisted reasoning, nothing, nada, zip. They don't want to hear the "but she she she's." That's good advice for us too. The disease lies.
-- Edited by roygbiv at 19:48, 2005-09-30