Today was weird. I have been having a difficult time at work, just keeping it all going and together lately. I come home and go through the motions. I went for another walk today, took care of some bills, did some laundry..the usual. My A had said that he would stop by tonight after his outpatient appt. It seems neither one of us has much to say to each other when he does call or we see each other. Within five minutes of him being here without saying much he said he was going. He said he feels unconfortable in the house and it's upsetting to him. I immediately start to feel guilt and rejection, which I do not want to feel. I know this was my doing but it was necessary. After talking a while, he said that he knows it's on him that he no longer lives here and that's what hurts him. My own feelings about it are conflicted because I am so petrified that he is running yet another "game" on me. The old me would retaliate in some way to that. I don't want to be that person and I'm working hard to not be. By not acting on my usual feelings of guilt and rejection, I was actually able to listen. To both myself and my A. It felt good, although there were some tears, to get to a point where we were talking. I don't know where it will go, I still have not decided, but at least the anger is gone. At least there is some beginning of communication. Just thought I'd share.
sg said
Sep 29, 2005
"At least the anger is gone."
That statement in itself shows that you have made progress! Keep working your Program! Baby steps..and you are taking them! Kudos to you!
Hello roomies:
Today was weird. I have been having a difficult time at work, just keeping it all going and together lately. I come home and go through the motions. I went for another walk today, took care of some bills, did some laundry..the usual. My A had said that he would stop by tonight after his outpatient appt. It seems neither one of us has much to say to each other when he does call or we see each other. Within five minutes of him being here without saying much he said he was going. He said he feels unconfortable in the house and it's upsetting to him. I immediately start to feel guilt and rejection, which I do not want to feel. I know this was my doing but it was necessary. After talking a while, he said that he knows it's on him that he no longer lives here and that's what hurts him. My own feelings about it are conflicted because I am so petrified that he is running yet another "game" on me. The old me would retaliate in some way to that. I don't want to be that person and I'm working hard to not be. By not acting on my usual feelings of guilt and rejection, I was actually able to listen. To both myself and my A. It felt good, although there were some tears, to get to a point where we were talking. I don't know where it will go, I still have not decided, but at least the anger is gone. At least there is some beginning of communication. Just thought I'd share.