I think we did the right thing, but my heart still hurts
mizcathi said
Sep 29, 2005
Some of you may have seen my pasts posts called "My son's little alcholic house guest".
My heart is heavy by the action we had to take about 6 weeks ago. My 27 y/o son is not yet legally divorced but brought home his new girl friend under false pretenses, claiming he'd found "true love" and wanted to make a "new start". Once she got here it was clear that she is a drunk with other mental problems and has been in and out of Detox units several times over the last few years. She is 26 and was diagnosed with ETOH Hepatitis as far back as 2001, as well as a severe STD referred to as PID.
To make a long story short, after 6 weeks and many failed attempts at communication, my husband and I finally had to ask her to leave. My son let us know that if she had to leave, he had to by default, because he said, "When I love someone, I follow them into the gutter.". 5 days after telling her it was time to go, they still hadn't made a move to leave that we could see, so the final confrontation was dramatic, loud, and final out of complete frustration on our end. They packed their bags, but left all of their basic things in our new place. We didn't hear from him for 6 weeks, not a word, but a few friends did give us a word or two and we knew they had returned to their original place. They did have to pitch a tent in a friend's backyard because the girl had also been previously kicked out of all of his friends places.
Finally I wrote my son an email asking what they planned to do with their stuff and that we had given up the wait. I told him that there was so much junk left behind that I would have to begin throwing out obvious junk to make room for our own plans, but that I would store his things in our home. Well, that finally lit a fire under him. For a few days last week he sent blistering and flaming emails accusing us of many things, including making him "homeless". My son made it clear to us that not only did he not love us, he wanted to "erase his childhood" and basically stated that we had hurt him and always had. His emails were threatening to his Dad, basically threatening to put my husband under investigation for his government clearance if we did not return all of his and the girls things "by the end of the week". His emails contained many distortions of lesson stories we had shared with him over the years, as well as stating to my husband that he remembered a time when he was 13 years old when he accused his father of "punching me with your fist full force into my face". This didn't happen, although my husband had become extremely angry with him at the time and did push him to get a move on. (As parents, we did not spank and never laid a hand on either of our kids). He told stories of my husband "doing acid and losing his virginity to some girl", "smoking crack in your twenties and spending all of your money", and that his father was a "piece of trash, arrogant, pompous, predjudice, bastard"! He told me that I wasn't a mother if I could throw out the girl he loves.
Basically he says we made him "homeless" when we kicked him out and that he had known real fear for the first time in his life. We did kick out the girl, but made it clear to him that he could stay. We had lost all tolerance for her drunkeness, and when she stole alcohol out of our room, which resulted in a search of her room that uncovered evidence of hard drug use (hyperdermic needles and a spoon from our home), and her complete lack of looking for a job because of "lost ID's", we found that we could no longer welcome her into our home.
This past weekend it became clear to us that our son's rantings were putting us in harm's way. Instead of shipping his many boxes of musical equipment, etc., we decided to pack our PT and bring him all of his things in person - a 12 hour one way drive from where we live. We sent him an email to let him know we were coming, knocked on his door when we arrived, and unloaded his stuff. Once we did that we went and gassed up the car, drove around the block, and then saw him for a few minutes where no words were exchanged.
His Dad feels that our son "blackmailed and extorted" us for his belongings and that he is trading in his family for a sick and desperate girl he has known for only a few months. My son insists that she is his "soulmate" and feels they share many of the same "problems", including alcoholism. I am sure my son is abusing alcohol as well. This girl is an active addict and very much out of control.
The things my son said, the stories he either distorted or made up, it's just breaking our hearts. It's as if he expected us to have her in our home and say nothing, to in fact look the other way, and he told us more than once that we either undersand and accept her, that we only had this one chance to make things right, or he'd leave forever and we'd never hear from him again.
Wow, we have 2 kids, very close in age. Our daughter is 25 and very special. She is very hurt by her brother's actions and has told him so. She doesn't understand the stories he has made up and is very puzzled herself, stating to him that she had shared his life with him and that the childhood he says he had was not accurate.
Will my son ever wake up? Has anyone else been through something similar?
captcodee said
Sep 29, 2005
Hi mizcathi. I can not relate, but as i was reading your post, my heart filled with this message.
"If you are doing right by your family, and by Me, I will take care of you."
I am a very spiritual person, and have no idea if that is a passage from the bible, but that is what is in my heart as I read your post.
Some of you may have seen my pasts posts called "My son's little alcholic house guest".
My heart is heavy by the action we had to take about 6 weeks ago. My 27 y/o son is not yet legally divorced but brought home his new girl friend under false pretenses, claiming he'd found "true love" and wanted to make a "new start". Once she got here it was clear that she is a drunk with other mental problems and has been in and out of Detox units several times over the last few years. She is 26 and was diagnosed with ETOH Hepatitis as far back as 2001, as well as a severe STD referred to as PID.
To make a long story short, after 6 weeks and many failed attempts at communication, my husband and I finally had to ask her to leave. My son let us know that if she had to leave, he had to by default, because he said, "When I love someone, I follow them into the gutter.". 5 days after telling her it was time to go, they still hadn't made a move to leave that we could see, so the final confrontation was dramatic, loud, and final out of complete frustration on our end. They packed their bags, but left all of their basic things in our new place. We didn't hear from him for 6 weeks, not a word, but a few friends did give us a word or two and we knew they had returned to their original place. They did have to pitch a tent in a friend's backyard because the girl had also been previously kicked out of all of his friends places.
Finally I wrote my son an email asking what they planned to do with their stuff and that we had given up the wait. I told him that there was so much junk left behind that I would have to begin throwing out obvious junk to make room for our own plans, but that I would store his things in our home. Well, that finally lit a fire under him. For a few days last week he sent blistering and flaming emails accusing us of many things, including making him "homeless". My son made it clear to us that not only did he not love us, he wanted to "erase his childhood" and basically stated that we had hurt him and always had. His emails were threatening to his Dad, basically threatening to put my husband under investigation for his government clearance if we did not return all of his and the girls things "by the end of the week". His emails contained many distortions of lesson stories we had shared with him over the years, as well as stating to my husband that he remembered a time when he was 13 years old when he accused his father of "punching me with your fist full force into my face". This didn't happen, although my husband had become extremely angry with him at the time and did push him to get a move on. (As parents, we did not spank and never laid a hand on either of our kids). He told stories of my husband "doing acid and losing his virginity to some girl", "smoking crack in your twenties and spending all of your money", and that his father was a "piece of trash, arrogant, pompous, predjudice, bastard"! He told me that I wasn't a mother if I could throw out the girl he loves.
Basically he says we made him "homeless" when we kicked him out and that he had known real fear for the first time in his life. We did kick out the girl, but made it clear to him that he could stay. We had lost all tolerance for her drunkeness, and when she stole alcohol out of our room, which resulted in a search of her room that uncovered evidence of hard drug use (hyperdermic needles and a spoon from our home), and her complete lack of looking for a job because of "lost ID's", we found that we could no longer welcome her into our home.
This past weekend it became clear to us that our son's rantings were putting us in harm's way. Instead of shipping his many boxes of musical equipment, etc., we decided to pack our PT and bring him all of his things in person - a 12 hour one way drive from where we live. We sent him an email to let him know we were coming, knocked on his door when we arrived, and unloaded his stuff. Once we did that we went and gassed up the car, drove around the block, and then saw him for a few minutes where no words were exchanged.
His Dad feels that our son "blackmailed and extorted" us for his belongings and that he is trading in his family for a sick and desperate girl he has known for only a few months. My son insists that she is his "soulmate" and feels they share many of the same "problems", including alcoholism. I am sure my son is abusing alcohol as well. This girl is an active addict and very much out of control.
The things my son said, the stories he either distorted or made up, it's just breaking our hearts. It's as if he expected us to have her in our home and say nothing, to in fact look the other way, and he told us more than once that we either undersand and accept her, that we only had this one chance to make things right, or he'd leave forever and we'd never hear from him again.
Wow, we have 2 kids, very close in age. Our daughter is 25 and very special. She is very hurt by her brother's actions and has told him so. She doesn't understand the stories he has made up and is very puzzled herself, stating to him that she had shared his life with him and that the childhood he says he had was not accurate.
Will my son ever wake up? Has anyone else been through something similar?
Hi mizcathi. I can not relate, but as i was reading your post, my heart filled with this message.
"If you are doing right by your family, and by Me, I will take care of you."
I am a very spiritual person, and have no idea if that is a passage from the bible, but that is what is in my heart as I read your post.
Hope it helps.
Aron