He something from the book "Getting Them Sober you can help" Volume One written by Toby Rice Drews.
Here is something from Chapter 2
Be Gentle with Yourself
It's hard to do anything right during a crisis. And crises happen very regularly in an alcholic's home. When things are going well for a few hours, or a day or so, your alcholic will pull another zinger and it's like you had forgotten how terrible things could be. Once again you had settled into believing he might really get welll this time. Whammo, it happens all over again. The he even denies his drinking problem, and you get furious, depressed, and begin to believe you're the crazy one.
This is the time to stop, and think. You must learn to say to yourself. This is a crisis. I am not crazy. It is happening. There is a way out of the trap. Maybe it is not the whole answer, right now. But I am going to do one small thing that can calm me down, at least for half and hour or so during all this mess.
Don't get the idea I'm telling you to calm down for him. Neither am I saying you should learn how to put up with his stuff, and even be calm about it! Instead , I am saying that when an alcholic's wife screams at her husband or hits him, she generally experiences guilt, even if iti s unconscious. This causes her to feel she's the persector of this poor guy. He likes her to feel guilty about getting angry, because it keeps her in the same old predictable rut screaming, yelling, throwing, crying-but not changing anything, really.
This is typical pattern:You become infuriated by what he does, and then you punish him by becoming enraged or not speaking. He proceeds to give his hangdog look, and maybe cries some tears of remorse, begs for forgiveness, etc., ad nauseum. His performance makes your promise to yourself, then, of not taking this any more. Your're guilt-ridden enough from punishing him. So how do you get out of the rut?
You must learn a new behavior. When he does his thing-try not to retaliate. Leave the room, mediate, breathe a prayer, tune him out, whatever. You need to maintain a safe distance, almost a detachment from him. The next step is to think calmly about what a rational person would do. Don't yell and thereby set yourself up for a guilt trip which prevent you from leaving or doing whatever it takes to keep from being manipulated by his nonsense.
This is not time to make a pronouncement. When you are really calm, later, and have thought out your plan of actions, simply proceed to do it. This requires no discussion; you do not need to explain to your alcholic or ask his permission or get his approval for your refusing to accept unacceptable behavior any more.
Once you succeed in not overreacting, your unconscious mind will be free of guilt-and at this point you will be free to be truly rational and make logical decisions about what you're going to do.
Most counselors get very frustrated by the battered wife (most wives of alcholics are battered) who continually goes back to her husband. It's a baffling situation. The counselor may wonder, "How can she forget so quickly?: The answer is that the wife is used to years of two slef-punishments: her own denial that typically takes this form, "It will be better next time, truly it will." Or this "I'm so mean; I've punished him by my words and yelling-" Frequenlty, an alcholic's wife believes she is the cause of his behavior. Of course she should learn how not to get upset-but it is for her sake, not for his. It will help her lessen guilt so she will be able to decide sanely whether to leave or stay.
Get away from feeling responsible for him. He loves that. If you stay in that trap, you'll stay angry and baffled and depressed. You're got to change yor behavior for your sanity-to keep out of doctor's office or hospitals. To keep yourself free from stomach, back, headache, and gynecological problems that happen as a result of living with insanity.
If, in the process of your getting calm enough to make rational decisions about how to best live so that you can get some peace in your life, your alcholic deicdes to get sober too, fine. If not, you're lost nothing by finding peace for yourself. There is no use in both of you going down the tubes. Save yourself. Be gentle on you. You're been through a lot. You need nurturing and pampering. Give it to yourself.
Above all, remember you must learn to protect yourself emotionall and learn it is your right not to place your psyche in the hands of an insane person. He is sick, but you're not here on earth to be battered by a sick person. It doesn't help him to be able to hurt you. In face, it makes him sicker. If you learn to take care and be gentle with yourself, you will be helping him, in the highest sense of help.
Keeping all this in mind, I know you will be better able to be gentle with yourself. Trying to get sane, in the middle of living with craziness, is as hard as getting sober in a bar. Your setbacks do not make you a failure; they can motivate you on success. Just remeber to take care of yourself.
-- Edited by nycbt at 10:50, 2005-09-29
-- Edited by nycbt at 10:52, 2005-09-29
browneyes said
Sep 29, 2005
Thank you so much for this-I read this book but I am going to have to go back and reread it
He something from the book "Getting Them Sober you can help" Volume One written by Toby Rice Drews.
Here is something from Chapter 2
Be Gentle with Yourself
It's hard to do anything right during a crisis. And crises happen very regularly in an alcholic's home. When things are going well for a few hours, or a day or so, your alcholic will pull another zinger and it's like you had forgotten how terrible things could be. Once again you had settled into believing he might really get welll this time. Whammo, it happens all over again. The he even denies his drinking problem, and you get furious, depressed, and begin to believe you're the crazy one.
This is the time to stop, and think. You must learn to say to yourself. This is a crisis. I am not crazy. It is happening. There is a way out of the trap. Maybe it is not the whole answer, right now. But I am going to do one small thing that can calm me down, at least for half and hour or so during all this mess.
Don't get the idea I'm telling you to calm down for him. Neither am I saying you should learn how to put up with his stuff, and even be calm about it! Instead , I am saying that when an alcholic's wife screams at her husband or hits him, she generally experiences guilt, even if iti s unconscious. This causes her to feel she's the persector of this poor guy. He likes her to feel guilty about getting angry, because it keeps her in the same old predictable rut screaming, yelling, throwing, crying-but not changing anything, really.
This is typical pattern:You become infuriated by what he does, and then you punish him by becoming enraged or not speaking. He proceeds to give his hangdog look, and maybe cries some tears of remorse, begs for forgiveness, etc., ad nauseum. His performance makes your promise to yourself, then, of not taking this any more. Your're guilt-ridden enough from punishing him. So how do you get out of the rut?
You must learn a new behavior. When he does his thing-try not to retaliate. Leave the room, mediate, breathe a prayer, tune him out, whatever. You need to maintain a safe distance, almost a detachment from him. The next step is to think calmly about what a rational person would do. Don't yell and thereby set yourself up for a guilt trip which prevent you from leaving or doing whatever it takes to keep from being manipulated by his nonsense.
This is not time to make a pronouncement. When you are really calm, later, and have thought out your plan of actions, simply proceed to do it. This requires no discussion; you do not need to explain to your alcholic or ask his permission or get his approval for your refusing to accept unacceptable behavior any more.
Once you succeed in not overreacting, your unconscious mind will be free of guilt-and at this point you will be free to be truly rational and make logical decisions about what you're going to do.
Most counselors get very frustrated by the battered wife (most wives of alcholics are battered) who continually goes back to her husband. It's a baffling situation. The counselor may wonder, "How can she forget so quickly?: The answer is that the wife is used to years of two slef-punishments: her own denial that typically takes this form, "It will be better next time, truly it will." Or this "I'm so mean; I've punished him by my words and yelling-" Frequenlty, an alcholic's wife believes she is the cause of his behavior. Of course she should learn how not to get upset-but it is for her sake, not for his. It will help her lessen guilt so she will be able to decide sanely whether to leave or stay.
Get away from feeling responsible for him. He loves that. If you stay in that trap, you'll stay angry and baffled and depressed. You're got to change yor behavior for your sanity-to keep out of doctor's office or hospitals. To keep yourself free from stomach, back, headache, and gynecological problems that happen as a result of living with insanity.
If, in the process of your getting calm enough to make rational decisions about how to best live so that you can get some peace in your life, your alcholic deicdes to get sober too, fine. If not, you're lost nothing by finding peace for yourself. There is no use in both of you going down the tubes. Save yourself. Be gentle on you. You're been through a lot. You need nurturing and pampering. Give it to yourself.
Above all, remember you must learn to protect yourself emotionall and learn it is your right not to place your psyche in the hands of an insane person. He is sick, but you're not here on earth to be battered by a sick person. It doesn't help him to be able to hurt you. In face, it makes him sicker. If you learn to take care and be gentle with yourself, you will be helping him, in the highest sense of help.
Keeping all this in mind, I know you will be better able to be gentle with yourself. Trying to get sane, in the middle of living with craziness, is as hard as getting sober in a bar. Your setbacks do not make you a failure; they can motivate you on success. Just remeber to take care of yourself.
-- Edited by nycbt at 10:50, 2005-09-29
-- Edited by nycbt at 10:52, 2005-09-29
Thank you so much for this-I read this book but I am going to have to go back and reread it
Julie d.