i just want to add to my previous post that i have really been making a conscious effort to do the things that i know will make me feel better about myself.  like i mentioned in an earlier post, doing more volunteer work for the school, applying for this job (which is for being a substitute secretary or teacher's assistant in the school system - which has me SOOO excited!), i have started walking and excercising again, and just feeling soo much better about myself as a result.  so i really want to get this one right...figure out the balance ...the detachment that is appropriate, ya know?  do i help him out, as his wife, for better or worse...or do i keep my boundary rigid...  i mean, i AM his wife, so should i be there for him?  or is being there for him...keeping my boundary? 

HI Pretty Lori! Wow lady you have grown and grown!!!! This is so cool. Have watched ya since you came to the room. I have not written before becuz i wanted to see what you would come up with. Now my thought is first, trust your intuition. An A cannot be trusted. It is part of their disease. To trust them to me, is putting yourself into the pit. If we give them money, call their work, make excuses for them, we are cleaning up their mess and enabling. Remember, Getting Them Sober? If we help them, we are helping the disease. They need to feel all the pain of loss, illness, hassels, bills, dui's everything the disease brings to them. They have to feel all of it, to hopefully feel bad enough to change. If you give him money, you are giving it to the disease. You will be making it easier for him. enabling. The disease is thinking, wow if she gives me money, then i can drink it up and then she will give me more and more and more.... If you want to set up a boundary do it now hon. When you get a job, he will want more and more money. I would make it crystal clear that he will not get money from you. lori as he cont. in his disease, he will lose his job completely. Do you want to support him? Gads i hate knowing how bad he is getting. He lost his job for a month, well now they will be watching him.He won't be able to hide the truth for long. I mean lori geez, i was just thinking if he can get you to enable him now how much more will he want when he is jobless? I loved reading all the things you are doing for you. Lori you used to never mention anything but him!!! Right now there is a gal on here that reminds me of you when you first came in. I remember finding it so hard for me to think of me and not what my a is doing. Now i gotta try to think about him sometimes...But I will always support me and take care of me. Wow so the little guy is in real school now!! I will pray you get a job with the school system. That would be the best thing!!! Just get your foot in the door and you will have so much to look forward to. There may be positions that open up that you can get later becuz you are already in. Be neat to have the same days off as the little guy. Be more likely with an assistant position. Secretarys work a lot more and when the kids are gone. Generally assistants only work when the kids are there. I am so proud of you. Also am so glad to see ya on the board. The room has changed and i don't feel as comfy in there. it seems to be more social than supportive. Changes always happen. Well anyhoo, hope ya can focus away from the yapping disease. Do it for you and your a. The more you make the disease miserable, the less it will mess with you. Get some earplugs, headphones....now the little one is older and you can do this!! Much love Lori, hope you keep letting us know how you are. Just love to see ya here. hey did yu know hax is here in oregon!!? He sounds good. love,debilyn

"They need to feel all the pain of loss, illness, hassels, bills, dui's everything the
disease brings to them. They have to feel all of it, to hopefully feel bad
enough to change."

That is exactly what my head keeps telling me.  and it is also what i told him...that i am NOT going to rescue him or clean up his mess.  I started losing that focus last night when he started manipulating me.  It's going to be soo hard to not give in, cuz you know how they can be.  He will NOT back down.  I told him last night, when he was making all these promises so i'd give him money...."you will tell me WHATEVER i want to hear right now so i'll give you money.  then you will break every promise after you get it, or tell me you never said that". 

Anyway, he lays such a guilt trip on me about this, and it makes me feel like i SHOULD give him money.  Please pray for me that i will stay focused. 

Thanks to all of you that have replied to both of these posts.  i gotta go get my walking done :0)....so i'll check back later!

love you all!

lori

Lori, I at first had trouble with the manipulation too. I sometimes have to play head games with myself in order to stay strong and focused. This is what I did, it may or may not work for you...I'm just putting it out there. I went to war with the disease. Me against IT. Seperating the disease from him, turned it in to an IT that I could fight. Sometimes I feel like The Excorsist...lol But it works for me. IT says and does all kinds of things to manipulate me, but I love my husband and will not let IT win..no matter what IT says. If I think of it that way, it allows me to protect my husband and make that damn disease stumble. In my own twisted way, I'm able to fight back at the disease, tell it no. If the disease yells and acts out, good for me..It means I'm doing my job and standing up for my husband. I'm making it angry and making IT have to struggle to stay in him. I intend on making it as hard as possible for that demon called alcohol. Christy

christy,

i think that is a WONDERFUL analogy!  that really does help with the "separation of the man and disease" thing.  still a little hard to get my head around, know what i mean?  but, a very good way to work at separating them.  thank you so much for sharing that.  i really tried to apply that to the things that transpired and were said here in my home tonite.  in that light, man, his disease is really working hard on me tonight!  he, oops!...IT is working REAL hard tonite!  IT even gave me a kiss as soon as he walked in the door tonight!  i knew IT had plans to work on me for the money, cuz neither HE or IT kisses me when he walks in the door at night, unless he's drunk, which he wasn't. 

i wrote down what you said, cuz it just helps make it a little more clear in my head.  it's inspiring.  thank you so much!

and, debilyn, my intuition is to not trust him.  my heart wants to, tho.  i am not sure WHAT part of me it is that just does NOT want to enable him in this.  you are so right, when you say, if he can get me to enable him now, how much more when he loses his job?  sobering thought.  and when you said, 'if you want to set a boundary, do it now.'  that is really helping me not give in, too. 

the truth is, his job DOES know the truth.  they really don't care.  as long as it doesn't involve the law, they don't care.  when the law got involved, they had to do what they had to do.  but his supervisor even told him, even tho he's not sposed to be drinking at all, he said, 'save it for the weekend.' they just want their workers to do their job.  that's all they care about.  they'd just as soon look the other way than have to fire one of their people.  sad.

i have made some eensy weensy progress as far as thinking more of me, and finding some quality of life.  i still think about him way too much.  but the progress i am making feels so, so good! 

david is in first grade now, and yes, the subsitute position would be ideal!  get to work with kids, but not half the responsibility of a full time job.  but, still, a foot in the door to something more permanent.  i am pretty confident i will get on the substitute list, but the deadline for the initial list, which i just found out, is in july, so next year, i can get the app in early and be on the initial list.  it's perfect.  i was the school sec. in the school my older kids went to in grade school, and it was awesome.  we all loved it. 

oh, and i plan on keeping on letting you guys know how i'm doing.  sucks to be you guys!!!!  lol!  even tho i'm not giving much back quite yet, it's helping me, and right now, that's what i need. 

yes, i have read several of haxi's posts, but since i started posting again, i haven't read the last several pages of his.  what an interesting story he is sharing!  so cool to see the board rallying for him!  if you read this hax, you go guy!  sounds hard, but also sounds exciting.  luck to ya, dude!

and thanks for FINALLY posting to me, deb!!!!  i was wondering why you had abandoned me!!!  lol!  i like that you were watching, tho, to see what would come.  lol! 

ok, i gotta scoot.  tomorrow should be interesting.  NOT looking forward to it!  verbal attacks really really mess me up inside, even tho i may act tough & calm on the outside when he's doing it.   

i'll be bock! 

lori