I really need some help letting go. Its only been a month since the divorce, but I'm having a real tough time facing reality. I hate myself for still having these feelings for my ex. I'm sitting here crying over this. What a pathetic loser. I hate to admit that I still love her and want to be with her. Everyone is telling me how much better off I am without her. Reminding me ... She's bitchy, always upset or angry, nothing is ever good enough, yells too much, can't relax, it's always about her, poor me, poor me, poor me. I can't help it, I want our family whole. I want our kids to have a home to come to with 2 parents who love them, (I know we both do) I want to be able to cook dinner for my family and sit down and eat together. Sit down and watch a movie at night. Do things as a family. Have my partner back to talk to. To raise the kids with. I think I'm out of my mind for thinking this way. After she abandoned me when I needed her the most. The way she berated me and complained to everyone about me. The relationship she had with another man when she said she was working on ours. I don't want to sell this house and move, I want to finish working on it for my family and finish raising the kids here. Build a workshop here for my son and me. Finish a rec room in the basement for the kids, a garden with my daughter. It won't be the same when I have the kids only 2 nights a week. Not seeing them first thing in morning, saying goodnight to them. This weekend is my ex's birthday, I want to get her gifts and flowers and take her out to dinner like I used to. I want a normal healthy whole family and there's not a thing I can do about it. Our kids are 14 and almost 12, such a vunerable age to go through all these changes. Why can't she see that and work on this for them? I'm not perfect and neither is she, but as I accept my own shortcomings, I have a lot more tolerance of others. I can accept her the way she is, why can't she see how hard I'm working and accept me? Just wait till my daughter's hormones start raging she and my ex start going at it. I really want to be there to help. Doesn't she have any concept of how hard this is going to be for all of us? I know these are stupid questions, I guess I'm just venting, but why does this hurt so goddamn much?

-- Edited by UncleLou at 15:32, 2005-09-28

((((((((UncleLou)))))))) I am sorry you're hurting so very much. As I read your post I was reminded about what a wonderful writer and responder you are on this board. I started thinking, if this was anyone else how would Uncle Lou respond to this post. I think you would tell the person to concentrate on themselves, treat themselves gently, and remind them that a HP has great plans for them. Be the best parent you can be, if you only have the kids two days a week, talk to them daily and make those two days the best two days of the week. My A lost his son last year, we both wish now that we would have made more time for him, and the time with him could have been better. Have no regrets. Sometimes when things are bad in relationships we only think of all the good times, which makes it even harder to "let go and let God" Hang in there and know you are so cared about. Hugs Mary

(((uncleLou))) First and foremost, you are not a "pathetic loser". You are grieving for what you have lost, and there's no shame in that. Your hurt will lesson over time, but it will likely never go completely away. Hopefully you can keep a good enough relationship with your ex, for your sanity as well as hers and the kids. You will always be connected with your ex through your children, and who knows what the future holds for you and your ex. Best of luck to you.

Hi Lou - don't know if this will help, but I will offer what helped ME, when I was in a similar position to you.... I didn't have too many longings or feelings for my ex, but it turned out I was truly grieving the "loss of my ideal of a marriage".  My counselor explained to me that I was longing for the loss of my "white picket fence" idealistic marriage, but also reminded me that mine was nothing close to that ideal...  It took me several times of hearing that before I truly accepted it, but it is sooooo true....

I eventually came around to the point where I am hopeful and positive that there WILL be a "white picket fence" marriage in my future, as opposed to dwelling on what really wasn't even there in my past...

 

Take care

Tom

Lou, (((Hugs to you.))) There are no such things as stupid questions. We've all asked those very same questions at some point in our lives. You're grieving for what was. It's natural to want the " white picket fence". Grieving takes time to heal. Give yourself that time. It isn't done in a day or a week. It's what is right for the individual. No one can tell you that you should get over it because they got over it whenever they did. There is no law that says once you're divorced, that you have to stop loving your ex. I'll say it again. There are always going to be feelings for the life you once shared. It couldn't have been all bad. There were good times, I suspect. The only person who can answer your questions as to why your ex feels the way she does, is her. She may not even have all the answers. She probably can't see how hard you've worked because she either won't, can't, doesn't want to, or maybe she's not ready to. You're children are going to be just fine. Keep being the best parent you can be. You've worked so hard on your recovery, and they see that. Keep taking good care of yourself, and your children. You will all grow stronger together. Sending lots of love and support your way. Hang in there. Live strong, Karilynn

Howdy Lou,

I totally relate to those feelings you are having.  I have asked all of those same questions myself....why why why why?????

Tom hit the nail on the head for me too.  I was grieving all of the "possibilities" of my marriage.  If she just this, if she just that, we could...yada yada yada!!!!

The truth is we were together for 12 years.  And yes, we had good times, but it was far from perfect.  And in truth, it was not really a good marriage.  And it just doesnt matter whose fault that is.  So what if I tried like hell to be my idea of the perfect husband.  So what if she was the alcholic who cheated.  So friggin what?  The fact is, it did not work out!  And thanks be to God that he gave one of us the strength to end the marriage so that each of us could have the chance to go forward with our lives and try to find true love.  True happiness. Wherever or however that comes to be...is out of my control.  God has his plan and I just have to trust that.

It is just not fair is it Lou?  Here you and me are, a great couple of guys, working like hell to better ourselves.  And yet, the women we loved the most gave up on us anyway.  Or did they?  Is it really about us?  Perhaps, as I believe, it didnt really have too damn much to do about us at all, and everything to do with them.  They have chosen the path they are taking, we must accept it, and focus on our path now.  Let them go.

And honestly, we deserve to be happy and to have peace and serenity in our lives.  I didnt really have it with my ex, oh sure maybe some days, but ultimately, down deep inside where my heart lives, I was so unhappy being married to her.  And yes, it has been hard on kids.  And yes it is not fair to them.  But, it is beyond our control to make it work if one party is not willing, and just robs us of our strength to continue to dwell on "what might have been" or even "what might still be someday...if only".   We gotta hand the whole damn mess over to God, focus on our own actions, our own recovery and leave the rest up to the one in charge, cuz remember step one, we are not in management around here.

Yours in Recovery,

David

Hugggggssss UncleLou--- I know that it might not make any sense or make the pain any less right now, but I just want to say that what you experience today can make you who you are tomorrow. The pain that you are going through is there for a reason-- yeah, I know it sucks really bad and it feels like your heart is being ripped out, BUT, what you can be certain of from what you are feeling is not that you are a loser for what you feel, but that you are a caring, compassionate, loving guy who cares deeply for people and yourself. I know you struggle with your own issues that you've worked so hard to overcome and continue to do so each day. Now that you've reached that point in yourself, you begin to make healthier choices for yourself-- in turn, you must let go of the old life you've lived in which you did whatever you needed to suppress pain and the feelings you're experiencing. That only escalated and built everything up MUCH worse for everyone, particularly yourself. Emotions are God given gifts that we should be thankful to have... whether it be anger, joy, sadness or happiness, they were all given to us because God love us and wants us to experiences all realms of life with our emotions. However, he also wants us to learn how to use those emotions to grow as a person towards Him. Take all those emotions and lift them up in prayer to God--- He will heal you and although you will never forget the love that you have for someone and will have special memories, there will come a point in your life that you can look back and feel empowered that you made a decision that was healthy for you. Even more importantly, you will notice how you can hold love in your heart for someone even if they are no longer a part of your life and it is absolutely okay. You'll be at peace because you KNOW your heart is sincere. My prayers are with you..... Hang in there, it does get easier. :) I've only been broken up with my ex for 10 months on 10/07. SEE, I even know the last day I saw him and the final words that go round in my mind on occasion. However, I'm at peace, I'll always love him and will thank God for having brought him into my life because it allowed me to learn how to love someone so deeply. Additionally, I learned ALOT about myself. Allow yourself to grieve..... It's natural. :) Don't fight it.

(((Lou)))) I pray that you can take care of you better. You certainly are not a loser by any means. I had a really hard time letting go too, but like CG and david said..it's not the loss of what is, it's the loss of the dream. I had to give it up, realize it probably won't happen and do what I could for me. The way I see it, you have an advantage, you may still find that dream with someone else someday. I'm still married to an active A and after 18 yrs, I doubt I'll ever be seeing that dream. All I can do is make the best of it. Christy

oh  Lou you lost something you valued, but you're not a loser. Big difference.

I'm finding I do well to take adantage of 2nd (3rd, etc) chances, especially where I thought none would ever be possible. They may take years or decades to appear, but I have 2nd chances and they're sweet! When I was newly raw with loss, I could not even see the possibility. If I had, I would have had hope. Even a hopeless person can eventually have a 2nd chance, and I believe I had to do a lot of work inside to see that I could deserve happiness. You'll be OK.    -- Jill

(((Lou)))

To start, as has been said by others, You are not a pathetic loser. It is human and normal to hurt and to grieve. The end of a marriage is like a death, and we have to go through the whole range of emotions.

You had a life and children with her and will always be connected to her because of that. No one knows what the future holds, for you or her. But I am sure your HP has plans for you.

With children, especially in todays world, it is quality not quantity that counts. Make evvery second count. You stil have a family, different than it was, but still a family, and as long as you remind your children that this is not about them, and how much you love them, and that you are still there for them, they will be okay.

I pray you find some peace and happiness.

                                             Love Jeannie

Hi Lou,

You have been given really good advice.  Yes, you are grieving.  There is only one rule for grief and that is: you cannot go around it, you must go through it.  But everyone experiences it differently and for different lengths of time.

For me, grief was rather like the ocean.  It would grab me from the sandy shore and push me under. I would exhaust myself fighting it and trying to reach the surface.  Eventually it would toss me back onto the unstable sand.  Sometimes I would lay there panting, trying to gather my strength before the next wave hauled me back into the turbulent waters.  Eventually, I learned not to fight these waves.  The tears helped to cleanse the grief.  And, I noticed, little by little that my depths were not quite as deep and the waves were not quite as often, and I was learning to float.

Other people have describe the feelings like being on a rollercoaster.

However you want to describe it, your feelings are normal.  Wishing for what could have been is normal. Regretting what exits is normal.  Resisting change is normal.  Intense sadness is normal.

Make sure you are eating. Take vitamins. Make sure you sleep as best as you can.  Talk with people who understand.  Repeat your story endlessly. Cry.  Try to keep yourself occupied with things you are interested in... go back to school, build something, try something new. It will be an effort at first, but in the long run it will help.

It isn't going to be easy, Lou. And I can give you platitudes all day long. But really, the key is to take baby steps and remember to breath.  Know that I have faith in you.  You will get through this.

Oh, I meant to add, that you are letting go.  You just don't realize it yet.  But, it is happening.

-- Edited by ditto at 23:26, 2005-09-28

((((Unlce Lou))))

Sorry you're hurting so much.  I've been reading your other posts, and can tell that you're working very hard on yourself.  You are NOT a loser!  A loser would be someone who didn't give a darn about his wife or kids, but obviously you care about all of them very much.  And that's all right -- your wife will always be the mother of your children, and you can love her for that.  You two will always share that together.

And as for the future... it does help tremendously to give it over to your HP.  I pray every morning on my way to work, "Your will in my life, not mine".  My husband is moving out this week, and I know I'm going to have a lot of emotions.  Part of our problem is that we never seem to be "on the same page at the same time".  That sounds like a lot of what you've had in your relationship too.

But I know that if we are to be together, I want a HEALTHY relationship, both between him and I, and for our children.  And I'm sure that's what you want for your family too.  And if you're giving it up to HP, you can trust that He will do just the right thing for you.  If you're meant to be together in a healthy relationship as man & wife, He will make sure that it is accomplished.  If He knows that it would never work out that way in the long run, He will allow you to continue to grow and learn about relationships, and how to find and start a healthy new one.

In the meantime, be as good a father to your kids as you're able.  Model for them the things that you're learning at your therapist about life.  When I asked my therapist about my 11 year old, she told me that "she'll do fine".  She told me that I'm a strong person and I'm taking the steps in my life to be healthy, and my daughter's watching everything I do.  So know that your kids will get through this fine too.  I know it's heartbreaking (already been thru one divorce), but my sons from that are 26 & 21 now.  When we split up they were only 7 & 3.  Boy did I worry about how they'd turn out, but they're both great guys!!!

I know you're hurting.  One day at a time, or one hour at a time if need be.  You'll be fine...  I'll keep you in my prayers for that "peace that passes all understanding."

Ratchie