I love this board! I have been going to f2f meetings for about 6 weeks and I know that I need a sponcer but I feel some weird shame and fear and so much resistance from myself...like I don't deserve one or someone will say yes but not want to...i am very reluctant to ask and I find it almost impossible to make phone calls...what is with this shame? I know I need some help and am admitting it but I feel HORRIBLE!....any comments would be so greatly appreciated! Maypole

Maypole, all you have to do is listen. After a while, those who have what you want will reveal themselves and the fakes will eliminate themselves. If someone says no, just pick someone else. it's not personal. Just make sure if this is your first sponsor to pick someone the same gender as you are. it eliminates hassle down the line. haximon

Maypole~ boy can i relate!!!! i jsut posted about needing a sponsor that other day. i did get the courage this morning at a f2f meeting to ask someone if i could call them. i have had this funny feeling about this person since i have been going to f2f meetings. i have never really talked to her and she really doesnt talk much but had funny feeling about her. Today she shared her story and it was very close to my story... with the exception of recovery. it took me the longest time to see if i could call her. now i actually have to try to dial the phone!!! I then I think have to ask her if she will be my sponsor. I wish i knew how this happens too!! I know what you are feeling about the resistand, lack of deserving it... even shame. Hang in there and give it time. I'm told when the time is right the right person will come along. Maybe/ hopefully mine came today?????? not sure.... time will tell when my hp helps me call her and actually ask her!

One suggestion I can make is take your time to find a sponsor. A sponsor isn't just anybody in your group, but someone you can connect with. Someone that you have a "chemistry" of sorts with (which is good advice for men to sponsor men, women to sponsor women). This is the person that will be helping you thru some of the most personal of growth and over time will, or I should say in my case, become VERY close to your in your recovery. Maybe start by just being aware of those in your group that you seem to be drawn to when they speak. You know, those ones that you can relate to, where you find yourself hanging on to every word of theirs. Instead of looking at the BIG question of asking for a sponsor, start smaller and just talk after the meetings w/those that you feel drawn to. You and someone else will click. Your HP will put the right person for you in your path.

Hello May - one of our many problems is the fear of being rejected, take your time and get to as many diff meetings as you can so u get a bigger selection of people to choose from . you will find the courage to ask when the time is right. Listen to all for now and when u find someone that u have things in common with and feel you can trust . Listen for someone who has worked her way thru the steps and continues to go to meetings on a regular basis. Try and remember that if the person should say know to not take it personally, sometimes they are just too busy to take on anyone else or have too much going on at home to do a good job. Just keep going and listening and it will all fall into place for now use your phone list if u need to talk to anyone . people put thier names there because they dont mind if u call . can be a great asset to your program. good luck Louise

Hi Maypole, and welcome.... I think it is all a process, and you are doing great.... first, you are ahead of the game by getting yourself to f2f meetings... second, you are continuing your education around these matters with places like this one, and hopefully by reading what you can, etc... Most people who volunteer to sponsor do it with the heart of wanting to help, AND the recognition that they are also helping themselves... You DO deserve to get better, you ARE worth it, and a Sponsor can definitely help. Listen at your meetings for somebody you really relate to, and casually ask that person if they would consider sponsoring you, at least temporarily. Don't be offended if they say no, but chances are you will find somebody..... I wish you all the best. Tom

Dear Maypole, It is so scary to ask someone, especially, if, like me, you have pretended for years that you didnt need any help! You are doing great, you have so much insight to know that you need sponsorship - it took me 2 years to pluck up enough courage to ask! It is an honour to be asked to sponsor someone in alanon, if they are unable to say yes, could be because they over committed, could be because they not sufficiently recovered to say yes. You have to trust, just see someone who has something you like, and ask, even on temporary basis. The program is bigger than us all, if you dont ask, you wont get, lol. I have been honoured, in alanon, to have someone ask me to be sponsor, because I have not completed steps, was unable to say yes, now, we very good friends. Take a chance, you have nothing to lose!!!!! lots of love to you Flora xxx

Hmm, this is my big difficulty also.  I have been in and out of Alanon for over 10 years and in other programs as well and still have yet to connect with anyone.  My having to deal with being codependent to a multiple addict , not only from alcohol but also sex, compulsive debting and the like is also key in my choosing a sponsor.  And my inclination to be very reserved in the first place doesn't help a whole lot either.  In the home group I was going to meetings at before I had to be pretty careful to not reveal too many details of a personal nature since some of the men in group also went to AA and knew who my addict was.  So anonymity is a very high priority to me.  Sponsors are still a big question mark for me.