Love me or leave me…but it will be AS I AM!!!!! 

What I have wanted is consistency, ever since the day back in Wyncote when my mom and dad split. I have wanted to be liked. I have wanted to be loved. I have wanted to be in a family-type atmosphere.
--Reggie Jackson

How many of us gave ourselves away trying to fix painful childhood longings? We thought if we were good boys, good men, caretakers, we would have the love we wanted. Sadly, our remedies for childhood pain have often been childish solutions. Our need for security may have become a self-centered obsession and blocked our ability to hear our loved ones. We may have become so fervent about accepting others that we failed to stand up for ourselves and lost their respect.

######ROSIE……I gave everything but the very soul of me………rather it was **taken* by my incest aggressor……..-I had no choice……so here I was **gutted out*  so I had to assume the identities that I needed in order to fit in to be accepted!!! not not be attacked anymorel…….later on in life, I would be the ultimate chameleon….if I was on a  blue table?? I turned blue…..if I was on a brown carpet??? I was brown……..when I sat on a window, clear glass???  I was confused!!   What color shall I be????   That is when I got into recovery……..i had  lost me!!! I had no identity…….no boundaries….no means with which to protect myself…..i had a  case but nothing inside…..nothing that is but pain!!!! And the deepest anger one ever saw!!!   This program is helping me learn who/what I am…..a strange/scary experience at first!!! But I am doing it!! Step by step…….piece by piece.  Why?? Because I want me!! I want me back!!  The me that always was but was buried under the rubble of my life.  Now I set boundaries and  I defend them…..I am willing to be dumped rather than be someone I am not. Shakespeare  said  “be true to thine self”  and that is what I am doing….love me or leave me,  I will be love/left  as I am…not what others want me to be….

 

Most of us reach adulthood with leftover pain no person could ever fix. We learn grown up responses by accepting our load of pain and by asking others for help. Intimacy and companionship reduce the weight. We tell our friends about our burdens, and we learn what they are carrying. In the process we grow in wisdom and maturity.

######ROSIE…..that was me…I was a broken doll!!! Shattered to the point where I was suicidal!!! I dwelled on suicide until I got into recovery…..now , no matter how sad I may be, I will not do this….let my abuser win???? Hell no!!!  I am going to work this program and win this thing…I won by deciding to get help….by being willing and open to a higher power  , greater than I,  who could restore me to sanity…..coming here has shown me I am NOT alone!! I can make it because I have the tools of this program and the support of my fellow groupies….thank you DONE

 

Today. I will remember I do not have to be alone with my pain.

Hi Rosie I didn't know I would meet anyone as hard on themselves as I am but after reading your posts - I wonder? - Well sweetie - you are so courageous & working your program so hard. I am amazed sometimes I think I am reading my own life. I admire your honesty & courage. I'm working step 4 - childhood stuff - pain & writing my wrist off - discovering the lost me. I am sad that I am just now getting the tools I needed all my life & feel my daughter suffered as a result. It is hard work, it is exhausting it is searching & honest. My sponsor tells me that my life happened this way for a reason. When I am hearing my committe of my childhood past, myself, my parent, my x, my relationships, etc. everyone & esp. myself in my head criticizing me in my head & esp. now that my character defects are so obvious, my sponsor tells me to make a list of character assets. I usually draw a blank. What I have found by coming on this website is that I see others that are in the same boat and sometimes I feel I can give them encouragement. I have a long gratitude list. I say all this to say that when I read your posts I feel encouraged & strengthened to go on. I get a good example of how to do it. I read where you said you give yourself affirmations. I've been writing down quotes out of CTC, Al-anon slogans, verses, postive things on index cards - I'm thinking I need poster board sizes sometimes. I don't do hospital corners on my bed anymore if I don't feel like it, I have dessert 1st - I'm re writing those rules - taking a walk on the wild side. :) I just wanna tell you that you are worth it - I appreciate your example. I'm learning who I am and starting to learn to love me to. Yours in recovery, Cedarpines