HI Ya'll, I have not done a yak in a long time. Been so into reading everyones shares. What a strong, neat group of people!! Life sorta settled for a bit. Have been seeing Social Security fall into place and to begin my benefits. I was told by them that my long term would not be offset, that I would cont. to get it and Social Security. I called them 3 times and made sure it was true. Was told yes it was, they even checked with supervisors. Said SSI could be offset, but SSD cannot. I get SSD. Got my lump sum in my account, waited, called SS again. It is mine! I finally got a dependable, nice vehicle again. 95 Grand Cherokee. Very nice, dependable and no hay to get in my hair... I paid my wonderful friends and others off who helped me make it since i could not work anymore. Then i get a letter from my long term disability who tell me YES there is an offset. I call the gal and get totally upset, she talks to me. i am freaking. natural to do at first. I call SS. She says the same thing NO they cannot....but let me talk to my supervisor, yes they can if they are a state type institution..I was a sp. ed tutor for the school district. Called long term and they were very nice, said they would work with me. She is someone i have talked to before. Very nice. By now I am calm and gave it to hp and know no matter what it will be ok. just serene. thank you alanon and hp. then Saturday i get a demand for over $9000 in 30 days.... geez. i did not even freak. Just thought well miracles, miracles. I know hp will make things ok. Ok just called long term, it was a form letter and they are very willing to make sure I am ok. So the point is, surrendering does work. There is no sense in hanging on to any thing. Do the footwork, but KNOW that hp will take care of the outcome. On top of this, my mil is bonkers. A called me and we talked for a couple hours. then realized she had been listening the whole time! He was livid, said i will call ya later, does NOT hang up the phone!!! i heard him crashing into the house and yuelling at her. telling her how rude, crude and wrong that was. She was so loaded, she did not care. They went at each other. awful. i was afraid to hang up, I did not know if he might hurt her!! He even called her a nosey old B. this stuff hurts me. i hung up. Have not heard from A since. Give it to hp. Don't feel anxious or anything. It is their problem not mine. Both are A's. All this serenity is from learning the alanon skills, coming to believe them in my heart and then living them with out thinking about it. Since i told my A I am not going to be involved with you at all anymore, unless you give to the relationship too, he has been giving what he can and showing me affection. He believed me, i meant it, I felt it inside. i did not contact him for a long time. Also if his disease pulls any bs, i just walk away and not let it bug me. When I was thinking my income was going to be a real stretch, i thought about how I got a truck, rock for the farm, I am ahead of the game. Then I felt the love and happiness i get from this animal sanctuary. Focusing on me, not the thing I had no control over. Becuz of alanon i can go on with my life, in serenity no matter what happens. I did not used to be like that. used to cocoon up, freak for days, be totally sick. i have learned too, to go ahead and get the needs. I got a bunch of feed and food. gotta have it. hp has taken care of us in worse situations. My A is not dependable, he lies, I don't trust him I don't think about if I can or not. does not matter. I put nothing of importance in his hands. HE is very sick, i love him as is, no matter what. He does not choose to be like this. He has a right to his own dignity. I have no right to tell him he does this or that wrong. Not my job to judge. If he can get to AA or whatever, good for him.But i know there is no cure. Even if he is sober awhile, which I am glad he still has some sober time, I know he will use again sometime. So i just love him no matter what and don't take his inventory. I take my inventory. I make sure i am safe and loved and do good things. I take care of my sanctuary, I take care of me when I am ill. I am disabled. Today I want to paint my new railing. But I gotta take care of me and be still. Anyway just a yak. love,debilyn

Thank you,Debilyn, for sharing your update! I especially liked... Do the footwork, but KNOW that hp will take care of the outcome. What a good reminder to me to do my footwork. I get immobilized when I get frightened when I don't have the answers I feel I need at the moment. Funny thing is, this morning I was on the phone w/someone in the Program that suggested I do something! I have talked it to death. Gone over in my head a gazillion times, yet I haven't taken any action. Then I come here and read your comment and realize that I think my HP just thwapped me over the head! lol This comment of yours... I am not going to be involved with you at all anymore, unless you give to the relationship too, is so simple yet so precise! That is exactly how I feel in my marriage! I'm tired of giving and giving, bending till I break. I don't think I have kept the message simple like that. Thank you so much for your words!

Hi,

I just read your post and look forward to the day serenity is more a part of my life.  I feel it coming slowly and am willing to take a little at a time.

I went in and looked at the pictures on webshots, feel like I know you now.  LOL

Hope your day is great.....I am just north of you in WA.

Hugs Mary

(((Debilyn)))

It is great to hear you are doing so well.

You are so blessed with your Eden and all your furries, and they are blessed to have you, as are all of us here.

                             Love Jeannie

-- Edited by Jeannie at 23:49, 2005-09-26

Thank you for responding. Ya know i don't see the same things you do when I write something. I love to hear others views. Serenity is really a neat thing. It is sorta like a calm foundation deep inside. Where ya kinda feel humble and surrendered to hp. For me it is an accepting of whatever is going on. Staying as strong as i can be when I am needed to be there. I am thinking about when I was with my bil when he was dieing and then died in my arms. if I did not keep my serenity and trust hp, no way could I have done that. Serenity does not mean I am happy all the time. For me it is an inner trust in my hp. i know, no matter what things will be ok. May not be great, but ok. When I am serene, it can mean i can be feeling pretty awful, but still notice the bright ice flowers at the doctors. Or i can be facing something tough, but can still lay in the hay with Estersue, (my 1200 pound Yorkshire pig)and fall asleep. My mother would have said, and why would you want to??? (c: Sometimes I wonder. I have a great feeding barn. for now it has cattle panel and tarp. Gotta put the siding on. Well my smart old horse stuck his long neck over my fence, chewed the tarp open and store open a bag of feed and munched it...rrrrr HE is so dang smart. When ever I come home he looks in the truck for feed. NO matter what I do, he gets a bite before i can get it to my feeding barn. LlamaYama got a piece of wire in his fluffy tail. gads i am grabbing it tryn to undo it. He is pulling me around in circles.... not smart. So I made a squeeze corner, tricked him in and got the wire out. Winter is coming which = mud. I got a huge pile of shale. Ok now what??? that stuff is heavy. I am thinking i should do a wheel barrow a day and move it around. maybe i will get the pile moved in ten years....sigh Moved the guinea pig corral closer to the deck so it is easier to get to it when winter is here. i fill it with straw then hay then some alfalfa. Throw in the apples, carrots and spinach. By the time i go in the house and get the g pigs and bring them out i have 3 llamas and a fat horse eating their home....I put two cat carriers in there for their houses. They love it. There is a tarp on top then a wood roof for wintere. Well the five adolescent kittens think it is a nice hammock and constantly play on it. They also sleep with the guinea pigs. so cute. Well this is a piece of what i do for me. As i sit here in my loveseat/recliner there is a big lynx point at my head purring. three kittens on the foot, a huge Basset next to me and a little short haired yorkie stuff in between everyone. my living room is wall to wall dogs and a pot bellied pig on his blankies. this is what i do for me. Well that and sweep and mop every day... such a paradox to love a clean house and love animals everywhere... love,debilyn