This was my ex's weekend with the kids. (We are both in the same house in seperate bedrooms until it sells) Friday evening, while she's still not home from work, my 14 yr old son has 2 friends over, one from the neighborhood, another driven over by his parents. I leave them at 7:00 to go to an AA meeting. My ex comes home after I'm gone and leaves before I get back home at 10:50. Both of my son's friends are still over. My son tells me she went to the gym. I fall asleep on the couch watching the Rita coverage and wake up around 3 AM. She's still not home but calling my son's cell phone. At 3 AM? I wake up at 6:30, she's still not home and when I leave the house at 7:30 to go to a meeting her car is finally in the garage.

Is this acceptable? She allows my son to have overnight guests without asking me if its OK and then dissapears for the night. I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

Anyway, I made another appointment with the councilor for Monday night. (see previous post about my ex's behavior) He said we both need to come see him, he's concerned for our kids. I told her about the appointment on Tuesday and asked her tonight if she would be there. She said she's not sure, she has to think about it. I asked her why she wouldn't want to go if it concerns our kids and she said she doesn't want to talk about it with me.

I e-mailed a reminder to her at work so I would have documentation that she knew about the appointment. It was suggested to me that I start documenting all the stuff that's going on in case the lawyers need to get involved.

I have a feeling that this councilor knows our background well enough to call her on her behavior of late, and she's a little nervous about the truth being told. She won't be able to blame me for all her stuff anymore if it's all discussed in front of a third party.

I'm really concerned how her behavior is effecting our kids. Any feedback?

UncleLou,

     As i have stated in previous posts, I have a son with servere mental illness and two daughters.  My son has an in-home therapist. She comes every Friday evening for three hours and meets with the entire family, including my husband. She has seen the craziness in the house and has spoke at length about his addiction with him. For some reason, he is very honest with her about his addiction...or at least as honest as he can be.  He does feel as if she is picking on him some nights and becomes defensive.

     Anyway, she has stated several times over and over again that the atmosphere and chaos in the house are extremely detrimental to the children. She said that by my staying, regardless of what I say, is telling the kids that the drugging is normal.  Basically, my actions are speaking louder than my words.  She suggested I get my children into alateen.

     With her encouragement I went and saw an attorney to discuss a divorce.  The attorney told me to make sure that everything is documented and I keep as much proof as possible.  Emails are a great way to save communications as well as certified letters. (I thought I would feel silly sending certified letters to my own home.) I was embarrased but she told me to be honest with their teachers, school counselors and if they weren't already in therapy that they should be. These people can help the children and could also be great sources on representing the children if things go to court.

     Good luck with whatever you chose to do.  It sounds as if you have a lot on your plate and are handling things well.

Hi Lou, Sounds to me like your kids are getting mixed signals. Here you are trying to put your life back together, and making amends for your mistakes. The kids see your recovery as positive. Here she is, saying (by her actions) go ahead do what you want. Be inconsiderate of others (to you, by letting the kids have friends over). Don't take responsibility or keep to committments. This was her weekend right? What kind of signals does that send? You have every right to be concerned about the kids. By the way, do they attend Alateen? I'm thinking that it might help them gain perspective into their mother as well as you. I'm guessing here, having never been to Alateen. It also sounds like she's in denial about how her behavior affects the kids. Either that, or she doesn't want to accept the repsonsibility for her role in parenting. You might want to ask your councelor if there is some reading you can do. I have the feeling her behavior is affecting the kids in ways you might not expect. It could manifest itself in more subtle behaviors. You might consider talking to a councelor that specializes in children. I'm not saying the kids need to go, yet. But it couldn't hurt to get feedback from someone who deals with children/teens. Hang in there. Keep focusing on you and your kids. They're lucky to have you. Live strong, Karilynn

The kids were going to Alateen over a year a go the same night/place I went to AA and my wife went to Alanon. The kids stopped going when my wife stopped a year a go. The kids don't want to go back, they see my wife quit. I don't want to force them because I don't have the support of my ex and if they do it with resentment I think it will do more harm than good right now.

The kids are in counseling with new therapists my ex picked. When they first started going I asked to speak with them and my ex told me it wasn't necessary. I've seen my son's counselor once. My ex goes to the same therapist as my daughter. Recently I asked to see her and my wife said that she refuses to talk to me because she is her therapist and is looking out for her best interests. I believe I still have a right to speak to her because my daughter sees her. I was hoping to get some of this straightend out tonight if my ex goes with me. If I can't, I need to get my lawyer involved. 

Even if your wife does go with you tonight, it might not be a bad idea to talk to your lawyer anyway. He/She might be able to answer some questions about your rights to meet with your children's councelors, especially if you are paying 1/2 the bills. Glad to know that the kids went to some meetings. But this is what I meant by her setting an example. She quit so why not them? I'm surprised your kids councelor did not want to meet with both of you. A friend of mine is a pyschiatrist specializing in children. I was just talking to her the other day about her practice. A coworker is thinking about going into her line of work. So we were discussing all aspects of her practice. Unless there is a parent who is out of the picture, she likes to meet with both of them, before they begin. Now maybe their methods are different. But it makes sense to get the "whole" picture. It sounds a bit odd that your daughter and your wife's therapist are one of the same. It almost sounds like a conflict of interest, unless it's a family councelor. You might want to contact someone at the Mental Health Association and see if I'm off base on that. Hope the rest of the days goes smoother. Keep us posted. Live strong, Karilynn

I wish I had advice or answers here Lou, as you were so kind and thoughtful with your answer to me yesterday. Alas, I do not. Sometimes we simply have to shake our heads in bewilderment and hope. But be assured, you and your family are in my prayers. All thing good to you, Diva

Hi Uncle Lou...

thankyou lou for rsponding to my post. I always read all your posts and responses to others.You have helped me more than u will ever know. Congratulations on your 2 year sobriety... here's a pat on the back! It takes alot of hard work the persist in the program and work it.Good for you.

Now... regarding your situation with the ex... oy vey! I feel for you because you probably want to just get on with your life, now that the divorce is final.

The lingering "sell the house issue," ...  trying to live in the same household with your ex, and raise the teenagers... while she dissapears on her weekend, brings the good ole boyfriend over... WOW!

She seems to be trying to "get you bacK"... being very inconsiderate, and centered around what "she wants to do." It must be very disorienting for you, AND confusing, AND frustrating, and a host of other emotions. You are definately right in your care and concern for the kids.

So... the question is... can you handle her shenanigans until the house sells?

because if she's not interested in following through with "her" weekend...i.e. doing the right thing for the kids as if you were out of town... things will probably be chaotic until close of escrow. If it were me.. I'd take a 2nd or a line of equity, as part of my share of the profits... and move. Of course... all legal and reasonable with the ex. I know you invested alot of time and effort in building your home, and it's probably not easy to let go. Then there's the issue of child support she hangs over your head... and if you move that's another thing to deal with. But... Oh Lou... I'll pray that you will get the wisdom you need to figure this , or should I say these, situations out.

Hey... here's an idea... how about an inexpensive hotel for your weekend nights when it's her weekend, and you can skip town, lounge by the pool, and go to your meetings. It's a small price to pay for your sanity. She obviously knows that you will be home so she can go and have sleepovers.

unless she's working out at the gym for 8 hrs straight.

Hang in there... looking forward to hearing from u again

Serenity- mo123 in chat room

 

Lou,

I can't imagine how difficult it would be to be divorced and living in the same house. I give you a lot of credit for making it work.

I would think that consideration would be extremely important, more so than ever.

Our children learn from our examples.

In you ex's defense, I never okayed my kids to have anyone sleep over with my husband. Whenever the kids asked him, he said ask your mother. When ever I asked him if it was okay , he said why would I mind? So most of the time, I just answered myself, if I was not home, he answered. We know our kids friends very well, they are good kids and most weekends we have a few extras sleeping over. We rarely say no to that.

As far as Mom having sleepovers. I know it has to be hard to put your life on hold, especially after a divorce, but it has to make things uncomfortable. As teh Mom of a few teenagers, if I did divorce my husband, I think I would be very careful about spending the night with anyone. My kids opinions, and values are first with me, and how can I talk to them about the problems with premarital sex, if I am not living the example.

I am also very surprised that your childs counselor does not want to speak with you. If she talks to one parent, I think she should talk with both.

                              Love jeannie

Just a couple of thoughts that floated through my mind while reading your post....

If you hadn't physically been there, would she have left the boys alone for the night?  Or does she feel safety in knowing, you-the responsible parent, will be there to pick up her slack? Sounds like she defines the relationship in a totally different way and comes and goes as she pleases.  That must stink if you make plans. 

The other thing...my children and I are in counseling.  We go to the same practice...not the same therapists.  Sometimes the kids' counselor meets with all of us.  Dad would not be excluded if he asked to be there.  Did the counselor say she didn't want to speak to you..or is your wife telling you that.  My counselor would not meet with my hasband , however, because she is my counselor.  But the kids counselor would definitely not exclude him.  It doesn't sound ethical.  You are an important piece of their well being and she is defining what the counselor knows by insisting you not have any contact.  I would think it would be important to have your input, perspective in determining their needs. 

Just my thoughts....

Have a great day all. Thanks for being there

Sue