I am going so far backwards that I truly do not recognize the person I have become.  I have stolen from my job and was fired this week.  My son's therapist said that although he is mentally ill, he is much worse due to my decision making. I am estranged from my entire family at this point.  I called my birth mother a couple of weeks ago and told her I hated her and wished she would have had an abortion.  I became really close with a man I worked with and he quickly became my best friend.  I had an affair.  I know it is wrong, but am not sure i even want to end it. This is not the person I was a year ago.  Certainly not the life I imagined having as a little girl.  One day I want my husband to leave and the next I can't imagine each day without him.  I am such a mess.  I am out of my Prozac and have been for a month.  My doctor is on vacation and I can't see him until at least next Tuesday.  Did I mention that my husband and I have been having unprotected sex and the thought of another child in this mess scares me to death, but I never thought about it.  Oh God, please help me straighten out my life.  Help me to finally grow up and make sane choices.

I too, was where you were at and in desperation had met a man MUCH older than me several years back during my abusive marriage days. Something was completely against everything I ever stood for within myself. Looking back now I will tell you that it was one of the BEST things that ever happened to me. Why? Because as you are doing RIGHT now-- questioning things about yourself, I did as well. Something about meeting this man I spent the weekend with opened my eyes to the reality of how unhealthy I was... In turn, I began to think more about what I NEEDED to do to be healthier, more stable and make better choices. The first step for me was to leave my abusive husband-- that was obvious, as neither of us could take care of ourselves when we were so consumed in the abusive nonsense going on. I didn't know how I would make it though, as I was terrified emotionally, psychologically and had not one cent to take care of myself and two children at the time, ages 7 and 9, but I knew what I had to do-- someway, somehow. I TRULY HATED who I had become in my reaction to my husband at the time and also for myself. I always felt marriage was forever, but soon realized that would be a marriage blessed by God with two equally yoked people and not one that was dependent on mine or my husbands emotions or psychological state of mind. God does not want us to be unequally yoked because it destroys our relationship with Him. Having not known God prior to this marriage and with much counseling, I was able to finally get out of the marriage to him. Funny thing was, I had less money to live on, yet had all my bills paid-- the children were much more stable and I was able to get back to who I knew as a child BEFORE so much abuse I had suffered that crushed my spirit and who I was supposed to be. Just give all your questions to God-- I promise He will answer you. It gets easier the more you do and the answers will become MUCH more clear. :) Take Care!

-- Edited by sanddie at 21:07, 2005-09-24

-- Edited by sanddie at 21:16, 2005-09-24

By the way, I failed to mention that I had no family support either. During one crisis, my mother even told me to go commit myself in a mental hospital. I think that stands out the most, as that made me see how emotionally out of control I had become. I suppose I should tell you where I'm at now though... :) I have my 2 beautiful children, having been divorced for 9 years, am 7 classes away from receiving my 4 year Bachelors Degree in Technical Management with a focus on Network Security and Project Management, making more money than my ex could ever make and I'm only at the bottom of the pay scale in this industry. I plan on doubling my salary in the next 5 years, which should bring me to about $110k annually. :) Unfortunately, my daughter, who is 17 is the one who got the worst of this though, as she continues to be codependent on her Dad, despite the years of counseling and work all of us have done for 9 years. In turn, after thousands of dollars in counseling and support from church, school staff, professional psychologists, social workers.... she chose to continue the unhealthy lifestyle and go live with her Dad, who is going down FAST. He is taking her with him, as I indicated he would to her, but let her go. One of the most difficult choices to make, but it's her turn to learn, as we all need to. :) One final thought.... MANY times we have to go backwards to feel the emotions deep down that are the cause of where we are at in our life. Until we resolve those emotions within ourselves we will continue to face the same obstacles and decisions--- Until we learn from it and get it right. Furthermore, some of the MOST difficult choices and decisions are the hardest, yet RIGHT ones to make. :)

-- Edited by sanddie at 21:15, 2005-09-24

-- Edited by sanddie at 21:18, 2005-09-24

Powerless!!! Omg call your doctors office and get another doc to ok it or talk to the office manager!!! I am SURE there is someone who can get you your med until doctor gets back. It is not like it is vicodan or xanax!!! It does horrible things to you when you go off like that!!! VERY dangerous!! I know we don't give adice, this is an ORDER!!! lol Quit being so darn hard on yourself. We all make not so hot choices, you have realized you are not happy with what you have done. So make a decision to make better ones. I am not quite sure what to say about cheating. i, thank god have no desire to do that. Sounds like you are not happy about it. If so, day at a time, maybe take a break from seeing him??? Maybe don't think about being with husband or not. Live and think about you. Sounds to me like you have wAAAAAAy too much going and need to take care of you. i mean the simple stuff. Stop the big stuff going. Get your meds, eat right, drink water, juice. do you have health concerns besides depression? If so look them up in a good nutrition book and get yourself on some needed suppliments. the better ya feel, the better you will be able to make decisions. I feel there is some out of control behavior here. For me, I was taught by my best bud, when things don't feel normal do something normal. i mean what I said above, sweep and mop, do dishes, wash the cubboards out, go thru cloths and get rid of some, Just sorta simple things. Let your mind and heart rest. talk to your hp. do you have a woman friend? Ask her over and make tea and just veg. Watch a movie together. I hope you find some peace. The world is a hard place, So keep things simple and keep coming here. wish ya could come over so i could set you on my couch and make ya tea, and hand ya a little dog to hold.... love,debilyn

My dear, this is exactly what is meant by becomming sicker than the alcoholic. First thing you do, as Debilyn "demanded" is get to the doc's office and get a refill on your prescription. As she said, going off this kind of stuff cold turkey can be very dangerous. VERY dangerous! Can you get to meetings? Please do so. Try to lighten up on yourself. Easier said than done, I know, but please try. You have done wrong, but don't take the rest of your life to beat yourself up over mistakes that cannot be undone. You have recognized that you have made wrong choices. Learn from them, and go on. You are NOT alone. I send you hugs and prayers. With deepest caring, Diva

Powerless, Ditto what they all said. If you can't get the doctors office, GO TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM! That's what they are there for. Do not mess with your health, please. This isn't forgetting to take a vitamin. This is serious stuff. Here's a tip for when you get your meds. I always keep a week's worth of meds at work or in my medicine cabinet in case something happens. I asked my doctor for a sample and told him what is was for. Most doctors are more than happy to do that. If it's a financial thing, they ask the pharmacy if they can write off a weeks worth or if you can pay them the next time. They are usually pretty agreeable about that. When I was strapped I called the Dr.'s office and asked if I could have a couple of weeks worth of samples. They did it without batting an eye. Please, take care of yourself. You can and will get through this. Take a deep breath, and go slowly. Your brain is on overload. The lack of Prozac probably has something to do with it. Sending you many hugs and prayers. Live strong, Karilynn