This is the first time I have posted here. I found this site a while ago and have read many posts but never had the courage to post one of my own. I have been living with an active and partially functional alcoholic up until almost a month ago when we split. My feelings have gone from loneliness to total meltdown, and as of this today..complete disgust and anger. My feelings change by the second. While we were together and he was drinking, he would call me names, tell me I was a pig, ugly (told me to look in the mirror to see the ugliness), dirty, sucked in bed, was sleeping with someone else etc., etc. He has called me only two times to tell me he needed something from the house that he didn't take when he left. He called last night to tell me that I needed to prove to him that I wanted him to come home because I love him, not because I need him to pay the bills. It's hard but I am trying to do it and hopefully will be able to stay above water financially for the next couple of months at least. I didn't ask him to come home, I guess he just expects me to need him to come home. Is it that he needs me to need him to feel complete? In the past year he has become a different person, a miserable, self centered boring person.  He had been clean completely for six years and started drinking again last Halloween. He is now a phoney and a liar.  Is the ego of an alcoholic that big? Does it bother him that I am letting him know that I am doing alright without him (even though I'm not)? I told him that he has to cover up all of his emotions, change subjects, get nasty, leave the room or whatever the case may be just so he doesn't have to be accountable for anything and he needs to face reality. I may be struggling and things aren't going to be easy but at least I am doing it chemically free and with a clear head and most importantly, with honesty. he goes to work every day where they have a zero tolerance policy for drugs or alcohol.  His boss I guess doesn't know he's drinking since he is still employed. Wonder if the time will come not far down the road where he will lose his job too. How can he possibly pull all of this off everyday and still be an alcoholic?

I am really sorry to anyone who reads this that it is so long, guess I just got on a roll and kept going. But if anyone can help me to understand what is happening I would be so grateful. I never knew I could have so much hate for a person that I love so much.  Thank you for letting me ramble.

Hadit,

Welcome, glad you posted - this disease is baffling and cunning.

We also have a chat room if you are interested in joining in, everyone is welcoming and willing to listen.

http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

At the stage you are now, it's one hour at a time, sometimes one minute at a time as you digest the past.

Keep coming,

Maria123

We alcoholics sometimes refer to ourselves as 'egomainiacs with an inferiority complex.' Don't try to figure out his actions or behavior if he is active, I'm sure (from my own experience) he can't figure it out himself. The disease causes us to think, do, and say some insane things.

My ex and I went through some financial stuff when I got sober. I was asked to resign my professional job of 19 years and that was the kick in the butt I needed to check myself into a rehab 2 years ago. My wife got very angry and scared. Shut me out emotionally and physically from her life. My own insecurity lead me to the conclusion that without my job and the mask of alcohol, she didn't need me, there was nothing left of me to love. Although we went through some savings while I recovered, and she was working full time, we were never in danger of losing the house or anything. I started looking for full time work again when she hit me with "get a job or get a lawer" I had been home sober for 9 months at this point working for no pay at a home builder with the hope that a partnership in the business would lead us to better financial security. I gave it a shot but decided to get back into my old career when she said this. Her comment confirmed my worst fears, without my job, I'm worthless to her. At the same time, she developed a friendship with a guy in our neighborhood who was going through a divorce.

I put my career plans on hold and worked on cash jobs to pay the bills in the meantime. She continued the 'friendship.'  She filed for divorce last year, which was finalized a month ago. Within a week of the divorce, she was on a cruise to Bermuda with her boyfriend (who drinks like I used to) and our two kids and his two kids. I stayed sober throughout all of this. I'm back in the job hunt, trying to get my professional career back on track. Everyone told me not to get a high paying job till after the settlement was final. She says she can't understand why.

I don't know if any of this gives you a better perspective, your A is active and acting that way right now. But we alcoholics are extremly sensitive and can be very unreasonable when active. If he's anything like me, he hates himself so much right now, he just wants the pain to go away and is drinking to numb himself. He's using you as his excuse for the source of his pain so he doesn't have to face himself. Hopefully losing his job will be the bottom he needs to get help.

When he was not drinking for 6 years, did he have a program?

I empathize with you and the pain you're in. This disease sucks

 

Lou

 

HI hadit, First thing i wanted to say, when I learned that the alcoholic had a terrible disease, and then really believed it, it changed my whooooole perspective. One minute our new home in the country was a toilet. The next day he loved it and was deciding where to put his shop, the next day putting in new doorknobs i am in the back yard and the doorknobs came flying over the fence. i did not know anything about A stuff. i reacted to everything not understanding. I mean who would not go crazy when their spouse is bouncing all over the place emotionally. He too was sober, in a very serious AA program for years then had a med relapse from a brain tumor surgery. Now I know who he is and who the disease is. When that crap is said or crap is done it is the disease. i detach from it like it is a rock. I give it NO energy, don't react nothing. That negative stuff is his problem not mine. I found if i don't react, he leaves me alone. I am no fun now. The disease knows I won't play. At first it was lonely. But as i looked into my own passions and filled my life, i became my own person and the relationship changed. It is ok. i mean i miss that six years of a fun, loving, serious smart, stubborn guy. But he is not him anymore. i cannot change that, I can change me. i have changed me. He is at his moms now, but not for long. She needs to be put into a home. But anyway I will ask him to come out or I will go get him. Does not matter what shape he is in. I enjoy him here. There have been a couple times I am totally amazed how anyone could live with them full time I have to admit. But what my A and i have come to is, He will probably come here and live in the sunroom/ bunkhouse at the end of the barn. I mean as his own space. He needs to have time to himself. Also this way if he is drinking or whatever i can ask him to go out to his place. One thing he has always done, is leave when i ask him too. This way no feelings will be hurt. With alanon there are creative ways to live with your A. I know he is sick, i know he hates being this way. He told me he does not know what normal is. Which is true. He has never, ever lived. it. Dad was a horrible abusive A. I have so much compassion for him. But i will not baby him. no way. My view of all A's is totally different. They are humans deserving of love and empathy as anyone with any disease. They still have feelings ,have hearts. You love your A and you hate the disease. As simple as that. I loved my mom and hated her damn Breast cancer that made her mean sometimes. It is perfectly natural to feel as you do. As far as him at work, hon it won't last long. They may know already. A's get worse and worse, if he keeps using, the disease will ruin it for him. Anyway you send long shares all you want. That is why we are here. keep coming back. love, a very grateful alanoner, debilyn

 

Welcome, you are right where you should be.. This board is wonderful and has taught me so  much in the past few months. 

I am where you are today,  I left my husband of 19 years because he wouldnt leave..So I had to uproot my children and move out.  I miss him very much and he knows that but I can not bring the children back into our home until HE makes the decision to get sober.  His choice not mine.  I can understand your feelings changing hourly mine do too.  I loved him for the last 20 years and will probably love him another 20 years but I can not continue to live like that.  Now, I am living alone with my children and the house is quiet.. There is no fighting yelling or drinking.  I am sad and lonely but I am hoping that it will pass or at least lessen.. Not sure what I will do next just focusing on ONE DAY AT A TIME leaving the rest up to my HP..

If you arent already find a f2f meeting they help.. Hold on tight to family and friends.. they help too.

Taking one day at a time is difficult but that is all we can do..

know that you are not on this journey alone

Tammy

You are doing great!!!!  Stay strong!!!

{{{{{hugs }}}}}