I read your response to my post and it meant very much to me. At first, I was disappointed that that you agreed with me about being crazy and out of control. Then I realized you were agreeing with me because it was true and what I needed to hear. What meant the most to me was the fact that you had read previous posts and were able to put it all together into one coherent post. Anyway, thank you so much. Reading your post started my day off on a positive note.
roygbiv said
Sep 24, 2005
(((((((((((((((((hugs to you))))))))))))))))))))))
When I was going through the worst of it with my A, I didn't have Alanon. I had a good friend who is an MFCC and did years of alcohol counseling, but she wasn't much help to me. I finally pulled it out of her and she admitted she had gone to Alanon herself, but she seemed embarrassed that she had to stoop to working the steps just like the drunks do. She told me about the steps, and I know from the kind of person she is (a teacher), that she did everything by the book, and got a sponsor and worked each painful excruciating step and completed it like homework and passed. But that's none of my business, duh.
What happens when we aren't in a 12 step program and we live with a practicing alcoholic, is that what seems like logical, well thought out decisions are actually reactions to his bad behavior. I think back to my seemingly logical attempts to make things better, and they were all futile. I hadn't been with my alcoholic very long. At first it seemed like an ideal solution to my situation. An affordable place to live with my beloved animals (in a very high rental market), a house in the country (I still miss that house), he was so wonderful, my daughter and her friend liked him, my old roomate liked him, A psychic had even predicted him ten years before (and I still had her letter) I only saw him with the occasional beer, he was a great cook, happy go lucky, a computer expert, great income, rocket scientist for real, really smart, the dog loved him, he could build and fix anything, he could sew even!!! Little by little, the hugs and friendliness turned into longer hugs, and I hadn't had sex in EIGHT years...you put the story together. I missed the red flags, but they weren't in the places that I was looking for them!!!
Anyway, little by little, it became apparant that there were problems. Here I was, 3-4 big uhauls of my stuff just moved in, 4 animals I wouldn't give up for anything, poised to begin looking for a job, if I had the wits to leave I would have been homeless, and actually I've been "homeless with housing" intermittantly for three years now. So, I was trying to make things better as each fire came up, I tried my best to put it out. The electrical company came to turn off the power, as I was sitting on the front steps enjoying the peace and quiet of my new country paradise. I was shocked, but realized someone had to pay it, so I paid the $197 and mentally took it out of my rent. Then, the gas or the water company came with the same story. Then, I started snooping in his papers and mounds of unopened bills and found a 3 day pay rent or quit notice dated right before I moved in. Then I had "the money talk" with him and found that his $75,000 annual income, was being garnished by the IRS each month, and child support, and after his coffee and cigarettes, there wasn't enought to cover the $2200 a month rent and utilities. So, I had him call the IRS and we got the garnish down to $25 a month, yay!!!! Hugs all around! And then I created ads to rent out the other rooms. Yay! Cool looking ads, we were going to straighten this thing out! All he needed was some good money management and we'd be fine and I could stay in my country paradise. When the rent was late, and I found out he had given the landlord a check for the second time that would bounce, I got a cash advance on my credit card to cover it. That was a decision that was logical and had to be done unless I wanted to be out on the street, right?? I was doing it for me and my pets, and not for him. I was busy (instead of actively looking for a job) cleaning out years of his accumulated crap (that his wife and kids left when they left him - large red flag) from this large house and making the whole house inviting for additional paying roomates. I moved sofas from the backyard and front yard, ewwww! I moved large piles of junk from the outside and inside of the house, I had a yard sale, I donated mounds of stuff, I hurt my foot from pushing large objects and could barely walk...The place started looking really great, but eventually he couldn't hide his mood swings and antisocial behavior from me or from potential renters. They sensed something wasn't right about him, and over and over, they didn't come back.
Y'see how it goes. One fire to put out, and a logical response to putting it out. All the while, the alcoholic is happy (as long as you're not cutting into the most important relationship in his life) his drinking time. A few months later after the worst of it, and he had started AA and seemed to love it, and life was looking hopeful again, we even painted the entire house a bright white inside. It took a month. The landlord was happy to pay for the paint and fixtures! I even gave him money to have the transmission fixed on his second car, so that car would be mine, and I didn't get my car fixed. It seemed logical at the time, but it left me without a car in my name. He seemed all for anything that would flow money his way!! Things were looking like they could really be turning around. I had left (escaped actually, and had him arrested), but my animals were still there and that kept me connected to him and that house. I had no where to take them and I don't give away beloved animals. My family wouldn't help. They were very judgmental. The wreakage caught up with him eventually, and he was evicted.
What I'm trying to say in a long-winded way, is that with Alanon, we cut the strings that hook up with the disease of alcoholism. I don't believe it has to be done in a mean way to the alcoholic. But they have to feel every consequence of their actions. We just get black and blue when we cushion their landings, and that's where our crazy (but seemingly logical) behavior comes in. I had gone to a few Alanon meetings, and I had a large meeting ALL crying. They said puzzling things after the meeting, like "don't work his program" (he didn't have on to work) and "keep coming back." I was physically in danger at that house, and never knew what I was going to find when I returned, but no one in Alanon addressed that, so I didn't connect with them right away. It seemed nutty to not focus on the alcoholic. When someone is demanding your constant attention with his bad behavior, how do you not focus on him?? When doors are being slammed in the middle of the night, and someone is mumbling and then screaming from a supposed headache, how do you ignore that?
This message board would have been great for me, but I didn't know about it. You can learn a whole lot in a short time here, and in the beginning, I wanted as much information as possible. I got snippets of information from a manic depressive friend of mine. She said her doctor told her when she was 21 that alcohol combined with manic depression is like adding fuel to the fire. She also said that whenever she's in a mental hospital, that there are more alcoholics in there than mentally ill people. She didn't want to hear anything about what I was going through, and I so much needed a friend who would listen. Just listen. That's where Alanon is so great. It's the ONLY place I have ever been where people don't interrupt me when I'm talking. For the first time in my life. I've never had that before. It's so cool. It's really a long term program. In the beginning it's horrifying to hear people say they've been in Alanon for 17 years or more. You think, what's with that?? Don't they have a life? I see know that I want the tools of Alanon to be with me for the rest of my life. They help in all areas. There's so much love in Alanon. It's a healing program for the long term. It's something that heals generations of people, and gets passed down to help the next generation, instead of the discord and confusion they are going through as they are growing up.
roygbiv said
Sep 24, 2005
PS. I'm remembering a previous post where you said you were considering an affair to put some spark back into your life. Ha! Promise me you'll sound it out on the board or to your sponsor before you do that. I think you were just kidding, but you never know. You could try something mail order to take care of that need if you know what I mean. I can't believe I'm saying this but hope you see the humor in it!!! Love ya, roygbiv
Powerless said
Sep 24, 2005
okay...so are you saying it is not a good idea? I have to live sparkless? What if he's extra attractive? Lol
Wow - thanks for sharing your story Roygbiv. I'm reading it and almost every other sentence I'm thinking to myself Yes - Yes - Yes, that's how I want someone to understand...
(((((((((((((((((hugs to you))))))))))))))))))))))
When I was going through the worst of it with my A, I didn't have Alanon. I had a good friend who is an MFCC and did years of alcohol counseling, but she wasn't much help to me. I finally pulled it out of her and she admitted she had gone to Alanon herself, but she seemed embarrassed that she had to stoop to working the steps just like the drunks do. She told me about the steps, and I know from the kind of person she is (a teacher), that she did everything by the book, and got a sponsor and worked each painful excruciating step and completed it like homework and passed. But that's none of my business, duh.
What happens when we aren't in a 12 step program and we live with a practicing alcoholic, is that what seems like logical, well thought out decisions are actually reactions to his bad behavior. I think back to my seemingly logical attempts to make things better, and they were all futile. I hadn't been with my alcoholic very long. At first it seemed like an ideal solution to my situation. An affordable place to live with my beloved animals (in a very high rental market), a house in the country (I still miss that house), he was so wonderful, my daughter and her friend liked him, my old roomate liked him, A psychic had even predicted him ten years before (and I still had her letter) I only saw him with the occasional beer, he was a great cook, happy go lucky, a computer expert, great income, rocket scientist for real, really smart, the dog loved him, he could build and fix anything, he could sew even!!! Little by little, the hugs and friendliness turned into longer hugs, and I hadn't had sex in EIGHT years...you put the story together. I missed the red flags, but they weren't in the places that I was looking for them!!!
Anyway, little by little, it became apparant that there were problems. Here I was, 3-4 big uhauls of my stuff just moved in, 4 animals I wouldn't give up for anything, poised to begin looking for a job, if I had the wits to leave I would have been homeless, and actually I've been "homeless with housing" intermittantly for three years now. So, I was trying to make things better as each fire came up, I tried my best to put it out. The electrical company came to turn off the power, as I was sitting on the front steps enjoying the peace and quiet of my new country paradise. I was shocked, but realized someone had to pay it, so I paid the $197 and mentally took it out of my rent. Then, the gas or the water company came with the same story. Then, I started snooping in his papers and mounds of unopened bills and found a 3 day pay rent or quit notice dated right before I moved in. Then I had "the money talk" with him and found that his $75,000 annual income, was being garnished by the IRS each month, and child support, and after his coffee and cigarettes, there wasn't enought to cover the $2200 a month rent and utilities. So, I had him call the IRS and we got the garnish down to $25 a month, yay!!!! Hugs all around! And then I created ads to rent out the other rooms. Yay! Cool looking ads, we were going to straighten this thing out! All he needed was some good money management and we'd be fine and I could stay in my country paradise. When the rent was late, and I found out he had given the landlord a check for the second time that would bounce, I got a cash advance on my credit card to cover it. That was a decision that was logical and had to be done unless I wanted to be out on the street, right?? I was doing it for me and my pets, and not for him. I was busy (instead of actively looking for a job) cleaning out years of his accumulated crap (that his wife and kids left when they left him - large red flag) from this large house and making the whole house inviting for additional paying roomates. I moved sofas from the backyard and front yard, ewwww! I moved large piles of junk from the outside and inside of the house, I had a yard sale, I donated mounds of stuff, I hurt my foot from pushing large objects and could barely walk...The place started looking really great, but eventually he couldn't hide his mood swings and antisocial behavior from me or from potential renters. They sensed something wasn't right about him, and over and over, they didn't come back.
Y'see how it goes. One fire to put out, and a logical response to putting it out. All the while, the alcoholic is happy (as long as you're not cutting into the most important relationship in his life) his drinking time. A few months later after the worst of it, and he had started AA and seemed to love it, and life was looking hopeful again, we even painted the entire house a bright white inside. It took a month. The landlord was happy to pay for the paint and fixtures! I even gave him money to have the transmission fixed on his second car, so that car would be mine, and I didn't get my car fixed. It seemed logical at the time, but it left me without a car in my name. He seemed all for anything that would flow money his way!! Things were looking like they could really be turning around. I had left (escaped actually, and had him arrested), but my animals were still there and that kept me connected to him and that house. I had no where to take them and I don't give away beloved animals. My family wouldn't help. They were very judgmental. The wreakage caught up with him eventually, and he was evicted.
What I'm trying to say in a long-winded way, is that with Alanon, we cut the strings that hook up with the disease of alcoholism. I don't believe it has to be done in a mean way to the alcoholic. But they have to feel every consequence of their actions. We just get black and blue when we cushion their landings, and that's where our crazy (but seemingly logical) behavior comes in. I had gone to a few Alanon meetings, and I had a large meeting ALL crying. They said puzzling things after the meeting, like "don't work his program" (he didn't have on to work) and "keep coming back." I was physically in danger at that house, and never knew what I was going to find when I returned, but no one in Alanon addressed that, so I didn't connect with them right away. It seemed nutty to not focus on the alcoholic. When someone is demanding your constant attention with his bad behavior, how do you not focus on him?? When doors are being slammed in the middle of the night, and someone is mumbling and then screaming from a supposed headache, how do you ignore that?
This message board would have been great for me, but I didn't know about it. You can learn a whole lot in a short time here, and in the beginning, I wanted as much information as possible. I got snippets of information from a manic depressive friend of mine. She said her doctor told her when she was 21 that alcohol combined with manic depression is like adding fuel to the fire. She also said that whenever she's in a mental hospital, that there are more alcoholics in there than mentally ill people. She didn't want to hear anything about what I was going through, and I so much needed a friend who would listen. Just listen. That's where Alanon is so great. It's the ONLY place I have ever been where people don't interrupt me when I'm talking. For the first time in my life. I've never had that before. It's so cool. It's really a long term program. In the beginning it's horrifying to hear people say they've been in Alanon for 17 years or more. You think, what's with that?? Don't they have a life? I see know that I want the tools of Alanon to be with me for the rest of my life. They help in all areas. There's so much love in Alanon. It's a healing program for the long term. It's something that heals generations of people, and gets passed down to help the next generation, instead of the discord and confusion they are going through as they are growing up.
Wow - thanks for sharing your story Roygbiv. I'm reading it and almost every other sentence I'm thinking to myself Yes - Yes - Yes, that's how I want someone to understand...
Thanks