Hello Again , Thanks to everyone who replied to my first post , your help and advice was greatly appreciated , especially Tom . I'm off to my first meet on Monday in Limassol ... a 30 minute drive away but the way i'm feeling i'd drive for 3 hours to hear someone tell me i'm not on my own and can recover from all this . Reading the posts on here has certainly made me realise that i have been handling the whole situation the wrong way , when i thought i was doing the right thing ...... no more hiding the bottles , pouring away the drink , shouting , pleading , crying .....all fell on deaf ears . Since i posted my first message i no longer give in to the pleas for a drink , the emotional blackmail , the threat of my A becoming really ill if he doesn't get a drink down him at that moment (isn't he already ill ?) .For the last 2 yrs i have been the enabler , i've worked without a holiday just to keep a roof over my childrens heads , my A has managed to work about 4 or 5 months in those 2 years and really cant understand what's changed ....... i have in a tiny way , but already he's noticed . I know i have a long way to go , but for now if he wants to drink then i wont try to stop him but i wont provide it for him .......i feel he's lucky to be living in my house .......god knows i've tried to get him to leave , which he has done from time to time only to appear worse for wear , now i realise forcing him doesn't work , nor does asking him to attend the AA meetings here .......like you say .....only he can stop but has to want to do it for himself .
bye for now , cyta
megan said
Sep 24, 2005
Hi Cyta
Great growth if the program.
I used to enable my alcoholic husband.
I bought the booze for him as he threatened and yelled if I did not.
Not enabling the alcoholic is a great step forward for you, good work.
Let us know how the alanon meeting goes
In recovery
megan
marmare said
Sep 24, 2005
Boundaries are an incredible thing....Last year after I came home, (long story in another post I am sure) I decided I would no longer furnish my A with any alcohol. I would no longer pick up beer at the grocery store, nor alcohol at the liquor store. I would no longer get him a beer out of the fridge nor mix him a drink. It was hard at first, but I feel better about not enabling in that way.
Hugs Mary
Tammy said
Sep 24, 2005
You are not alone .. I too enabled my husband .. I yelled screamed, cried and pleaded to get him to stop drinking. I tried to guilt him into quiting I tried to bribe him into quiting and guess what. NOTHING .. He is still drinking. At least he was a week ago when I took my children and left.
He says he wants us back but still hasnt said those magic words.. No not counseling, he went last week. I am sorry, I am a alcholoic and can NEVER drink again. That is my boundry.. NO, he blames me and said I have problems too.. Anyway, my point is that we have all been on this merry go round of alcoholism some of us longer than others.. The ride is rough both on and off the ride.. Especially when you still love the alcoholic.
Take care of You, that is the only person we can control
Tammy
canadianguy said
Sep 24, 2005
Good for you Cyta, and remember to be kind to yourself... always.... Your own 'recovery' and growth will not be a straight line.... You will undoubtedly "slip" and go searching for bottles again, or yell at him, or trust him (when you shouldn't) again.... but it is all a part of our learning process... Active A's are master manipulators, and we need all our wits about us to have a fighting chance for our own well being....Al-Anon is an awesome place to start, as are boards like this one...
If you are ever thinking that you can "please" an active A, I will leave you with my favorite alcoholic joke, about the egg...
Day 1 - the wife wakes up and makes her two eggs, sunny side up, for her active A.... He grumbles and complains, and she asks what is wrong... he says he wanted scrambled...
Day 2 - the wife wakes up and makes him two eggs - scrambled..... To her surprise, he is mad again.... She asks why, and he says he wanted them sunny side up...
Day 3 - the wife figures out how to please him.... she makes him two eggs - one scrambled, one sunny side up.... To her amazement, he is mad yet again... She asks how he can possibly be angry now, to which he replies: "you scrambled the wrong egg!"
Funny joke, but also a true reality, about the insanity of trying to do things to "keep our A's happy"
I wish you all the good luck in the world, and read & learn lots...
Hello Again , Thanks to everyone who replied to my first post , your help and advice was greatly appreciated , especially Tom . I'm off to my first meet on Monday in Limassol ... a 30 minute drive away but the way i'm feeling i'd drive for 3 hours to hear someone tell me i'm not on my own and can recover from all this . Reading the posts on here has certainly made me realise that i have been handling the whole situation the wrong way , when i thought i was doing the right thing ...... no more hiding the bottles , pouring away the drink , shouting , pleading , crying .....all fell on deaf ears . Since i posted my first message i no longer give in to the pleas for a drink , the emotional blackmail , the threat of my A becoming really ill if he doesn't get a drink down him at that moment (isn't he already ill ?) .For the last 2 yrs i have been the enabler , i've worked without a holiday just to keep a roof over my childrens heads , my A has managed to work about 4 or 5 months in those 2 years and really cant understand what's changed ....... i have in a tiny way , but already he's noticed . I know i have a long way to go , but for now if he wants to drink then i wont try to stop him but i wont provide it for him .......i feel he's lucky to be living in my house .......god knows i've tried to get him to leave , which he has done from time to time only to appear worse for wear , now i realise forcing him doesn't work , nor does asking him to attend the AA meetings here .......like you say .....only he can stop but has to want to do it for himself .
bye for now , cyta
Hi Cyta
Great growth if the program.
I used to enable my alcoholic husband.
I bought the booze for him as he threatened and yelled if I did not.
Not enabling the alcoholic is a great step forward for you, good work.
Let us know how the alanon meeting goes
In recovery
megan
Boundaries are an incredible thing....Last year after I came home, (long story in another post I am sure) I decided I would no longer furnish my A with any alcohol. I would no longer pick up beer at the grocery store, nor alcohol at the liquor store. I would no longer get him a beer out of the fridge nor mix him a drink. It was hard at first, but I feel better about not enabling in that way.
Hugs Mary
You are not alone .. I too enabled my husband .. I yelled screamed, cried and pleaded to get him to stop drinking. I tried to guilt him into quiting I tried to bribe him into quiting and guess what. NOTHING .. He is still drinking. At least he was a week ago when I took my children and left.
He says he wants us back but still hasnt said those magic words.. No not counseling, he went last week. I am sorry, I am a alcholoic and can NEVER drink again. That is my boundry.. NO, he blames me and said I have problems too.. Anyway, my point is that we have all been on this merry go round of alcoholism some of us longer than others.. The ride is rough both on and off the ride.. Especially when you still love the alcoholic.
Take care of You, that is the only person we can control
Tammy
Good for you Cyta, and remember to be kind to yourself... always.... Your own 'recovery' and growth will not be a straight line.... You will undoubtedly "slip" and go searching for bottles again, or yell at him, or trust him (when you shouldn't) again.... but it is all a part of our learning process... Active A's are master manipulators, and we need all our wits about us to have a fighting chance for our own well being....Al-Anon is an awesome place to start, as are boards like this one...
If you are ever thinking that you can "please" an active A, I will leave you with my favorite alcoholic joke, about the egg...
Day 1 - the wife wakes up and makes her two eggs, sunny side up, for her active A.... He grumbles and complains, and she asks what is wrong... he says he wanted scrambled...
Day 2 - the wife wakes up and makes him two eggs - scrambled..... To her surprise, he is mad again.... She asks why, and he says he wanted them sunny side up...
Day 3 - the wife figures out how to please him.... she makes him two eggs - one scrambled, one sunny side up.... To her amazement, he is mad yet again... She asks how he can possibly be angry now, to which he replies: "you scrambled the wrong egg!"
Funny joke, but also a true reality, about the insanity of trying to do things to "keep our A's happy"
I wish you all the good luck in the world, and read & learn lots...
Take care
Tom