I have been doing a lot of thinking this week.  A couple of weeks ago, things were so hard financially and I had exhausted all resources of family and friends.  There simply wasn't anyone else I could turn to.  I worked in a position of management with developmentally delayed adults. I took one of their paychecks that they earned from their vocational program and I cashed it.  It was for $73.00.  I bought groceries for the house and felt so terribly guilty.  No one would have ever know the check was missing.  My husband even offered to sign a statement saying that he stole the check from my office and cashed it.  (And he is the addict.) Go figure.  He said that his reputation is already ruined and he didn't want me to ruin my future.  I ended up telling my supervisor and was fired.  They even told me that I have a restraining order barring me from the property. What I did was selfish and horrible.  I stole money from someone that didn't know better and that has far less than I do in every aspect of life.  I feel like the lowest person on earth. I did replace the money.  I had seen an attorney for a divorce and now I can't even do that because I have no job. I have to depend on my husband for an income. The funny thing is, he is behaving so responsibly since his income is our only income.  I have put in several job applications and have an interview on Monday.  My ten year old son suffers from severe mental illness and he has not been doing well lately at all. I just found out that my eight year old daughter is learning disabled. I don't have patience for my two year old. My doctor's office has been closed for a week and I am out of Prozac. My parents are upset with me about the divorce.  They want to know when I am going to grow up and start making better decisions. I haven't even told them about me losing my job.  Thank God they live 500 miles away.  I don't recognize the person I have become.  I know that I don't like her though.

I agree with lin606.

You did make a mistake. Things could have been much worst than just losing your job. They could have pressed charges. Even though, you had the courage to come forth, accept responsibility and make amends. That takes a big person and I give you a lot of credit for that.

At this point, you can't change what happened, but you can learn from the experience. You don't have to tell anyone anything if you don't want to. If your parents are just going to make you feel bad, you're already doing that enough to yourself.

The good news....it's not over. You can make a choice everyday to make new decisions. I agree, sometimes the only thing you can do, is the next right thing.

I really hope things get better for you. Keep coming back, you're not alone, we're here to support you!!

Love, Jersey

Powerless over alcohol, but Powerful,

I read your other posts. You've been going through a lot. I wonder why the police couldn't arrest him when he was doing crystal meth? You have a two year old in the house. Pills, etc. could be on the floor. Sometimes the cops are young and ignorant, so the more we can learn about the law, the better. The cops weren't going to arrest my a for being drunk in the house until I said, "Isn't it illegal to unplug a 911 call?" and "I absolutely will press charges." I think it's really important to have them arrested every single time they do something illegal. You have to not expect any support from the cops, the mother-in-law, or anyone. People don't want to hear about it, they want it to go away and everything be nicey-nice. And there is a huge stigma from everyone against a woman who is involved with a problem man.

I'm sorry you lost your job. Your posts are so intelligent and articulate, that it's hard for me to imagine you being out of control, but it must have shown in your work before the incident that got you fired. You mentioned they have a restraining order, were you arrested? The sane thing would have been to go to the supervisor and say you needed a raise, or an advance, or emergency grocery money. A caring boss would have extended themselves.

Others wouldn't agree with me, but if I was in a situation where I needed groceries for my three kids and stole a retarded person's $73 check, I wouldn't have told my supervisor, and faced the possibility of getting fired. The groceries would have tasted bad enough to punish me. I would have made ammends some other way. You do have integrity, and were crying out for help, but were reaching out to the wrong person. Now you have lost your job and might have criminal charges against you. How can that help your kids and the situation?

I agree with Diva. The slogan is, "Don't go to the hardware store for a loaf of bread." Don't go to other people who are not in Alanon for support. The support you get will be a mish-mosh of old wive's tales, and things they heard when they were young, and things they hear in their Bridge club...this is not anything that is useful to you. Your mom in law needs to be in Alanon really bad. Maybe she'll go to a f2f meeting with you (hopefully one with childcare). I'm supposing that your dad and your therapist see the out of control behavior in you and think divorce proceedings will escalate things (you could tell you dad you will take a raincheck on his monetary offer to pay for the divorce in the future).

I know it's probably very hard with three kids, but if there is anyway to go to lots of face to face Alanon meetings and get a sponsor and work those phones with Alanon people (instead of calling your mom 20 times when she obviously is avoiding you), and listen to the free speaker tapes on this site, and posting here, and online meetings, that that would be a healthy route.

It seems like you really need the sanity and support of Alanon now. I can't imagine living with an practicing addict, a mentally ill son, a learning disabled daughter, and a two year old, and being fired, and being broke, without a support system! You're young, you need your strength and health and wits about you for what is ahead of you. You need serenity and a program with lots of loving support (we're all with you), so take care what you put into your body, drink water and get your rest, and keep your side of the street clean, practice grace and dignity, and with lots of prayers and working the program, things will become clearer and you'll be able to make better decisions.

Come to this site and post when you are thinking about taking an action, and we can share experience, strength and hope, and maybe if you had posted that you were thinking about stealing a disabled person's small check, we would have shared some options with you, like applying for foodstamps, or standing outside a busy grocery store with you three kids and a sign, or going to your church, or asking for an advance, or making a plea on television, or contacting a foodbank, or going through the grocery store garbage cans, etc.

Remember, H.A.L.T.

Am I Hungry? Am I Angry? Am I Lonely? Am I Tired? Keep it Simple. Recite the Serenity Prayer over and over all day. One day at a time. Get to those meetings. Hey, this is stuff I need to hear too, so thanks for reminding me.

I am sorry to hear of your troubles.  But you did what you had to do be it right or wrong and you made amends for the wrong.  I am a single parent with three children and know how tough it can be trying to feed and provide for them.  We are all only human and we all make mistakes.  You know the saying easy does it, well tackle things one at a time that way you wont be overwelmed by it all.  You said yourself your husband was actually helping out more now you only had his income to depend on, well let him take the responsibility, maybe this will be what he needs to pull his finger out.  Everything happens for a reason , although we dont always see it at the time.  Our HP certainly works in funny ways at times.  Just try and focus on yourself and keep things in perspective.  I know when things like this happen to me I just get totally overwelmed and see no possible way out, but when I calm down, take things one day at a time or even an hour at a time, and sort out the things that I am able to change, I usually find what ever it is that has happened had happened for the best.

Take care . 

I hear a lot of pain in your posting.. I am sorry you are hurting so much and wish that I had some great advise.  You are not a bad person a bad person would have had NO guilt.. You are just not perfect.. NO ONE is .. Dont be so hard on yourself.. Try not to focus on one bad decision try to focus on all the good ones you made..

you will find another job and a year from now this will be just a bad memory..

God Bless

Tammy

** just my opinion, take what you want leave the rest..