Looks like my house is sold. Accepted an offer today after 6 months on the market and numerous price reductions. I have really mixed feelings about it, I designed and built it 3 years ago thinking I would live here forever. We make plans, God laughs! Need to look at it strictly as a business deal now, made a $250,000 profit (not bad for a 2 year second job.)

Things with the ex get more and more bazaar. Got a call from her boyfriend's ex-wife D last night. (We are friends and have been talking lately.) She told me she listened to a conversation on speaker phone between her ex and 8 yr. old son. The ex told his son that he will never get back with his mother and someday will explain the bad things she’s done. He said he’s going to marry T (my ex) very soon. The son got very upset over this. The ex then said that T has been very good to them, paying for their cruise to the
Bahamas (although they went to Bermuda) because dad has no money and couldn’t afford it. The son then started saying that he hates T, that she is always mean to him and his brother, and he can’t stand having her around because it takes time away from him.

My ex has assured me that she is only dating this guy, she can’t handle a serious relationship right now, and she will probably never re-marry. Meanwhile she sleeps over his place on the nights she’s not home.

As I see it, one of three things is happening; 1. The guy is outright lying about getting married. What a sick thing to do to your kid. 2. The guy is delusional and thinks the relationship is something its not. I feel sorry for my ex if that’s the case. She’s going to have a real mess on her hands on top of all the other stress she’s under. 3. The guy is telling the truth. If so my ex has been lying to me, my kids, my family and her own family about a lot of stuff for a long time. His ex left him because of his excessive drinking and pot smoking among other things, and my son told me he thinks he is alcoholic. Out of the frying pan into the fire for my ex I guess. No one can see this relationship lasting. It’s a rebound relationship based on insecurity and fear of being alone. They really have nothing in common except anger towards their ex’s. They really are the extreme version of everything they complained about in their ex spouses. D is extremely laid back compared to my ex and he complained about how bitchy D was. I’m 10 times neater than this guy and help around the house, and all my ex did was complain that I didn’t do enough.

D was very upset last night with self doubt, thinking that her ex has changed and will be a good husband now, why couldn’t he do that for her? Bla bla bla. I reassured her that people don’t change like that overnight, it takes an enormous amount of desire, effort and time. I know from my experience getting sober how much work it is.

Anyway, I know that all of this is out of my control, I can only observe and accept it. I just need to keep an eye out for how all this insanity is going to effect my kids and take action if it looks like they’ll be hurt. I'm wondering if I should mention any of this marriage stuff to my ex or not even bother.

This whole mess really sucks.

Lou

-- Edited by UncleLou at 18:19, 2005-09-22

-- Edited by UncleLou at 18:23, 2005-09-22

 Hi Lou

Not to be mean, but I really do not think you should say anything to your ex about her plans.  She will only either lie more or tell you to mind your own business.  In fact, I don't think you really need to talk to her at all about anything except nonpersonal business.  I hear that you are trying to be a good father and that I respect you for, it is a hard job and I think that fathers are important to their children.  But I also hear you still thinking way too much about what she is doing.  Ouch! Sorry I hope I didn't say anything mean or overstep. I apologize if I did.  Just my opinion.

With respect,

Julie D

Its very hard to just ignore this kind of stuff when you love someone you've been married to for almost 16 years (tomorrow would be the anniversary.) I realize I'm wasting a lot of energy on this, its something I'm trying to improve about myself. I still have quite a way to go to 'grow-up'

I feel safe venting some of this stuff here and I really appreciate the feedback, it's sometimes the kick in the head I need to keep it on straight.

(((Uncle Lou))) Now that the house is sold and you'll be moving, I hope it will be easier to keep the focus on you and your recovery. I can imagine it almost impossible living in the same house and knowing what she is doing and with whom to keep focused on you.. That would rock anyone's world. This too shall pass. Life will go on and you will have dreams again of your own...and reach them :) and hey! congrats on that great profit from the sale of your home!! niiiiice!!!! Christy

I learned something VERY important from my abusive marriage of 12 years after at least 3 years of straight counseling AFTER the marriage ended. All the continued talk and discussion involving HIS life and HIS problems that I always continued to get the blame for from him was ONLY an attempt by HIM to keep me in the relationship... Ya see, as long as there is some sort of interaction-- arguing, gossip or whatever else it is that STILL involves a relationship with you ex continues to keep you in that relationship. It sounds like your ex doesn't even realize that this is being done--- nor do you with you continuing to focus so much of your energy and time into discussing or listening to issues that have NOTHING to do with you. It only keeps you in that relationship and unless that it what you want, no contact or talk should occur that continues to address matters that you should be putting behind you. As far as watching out for what's best for the kids-- well, been there and done EXACTLY what you are doing in trying to justify my behavior with worry about my children. It wasn't until I realized that all my energy focused on my ex and how he might affect the kids, rather than start pursuing a different direction away from the bullshit that I was continuing to contribute to the game that was being played. If you really want to recover and move on, then you need to be make a decision if you are finished or not and stick to it. Feel the pain, work through the pain so that you can be healed..... And in turn, your children can see that you've grow and were stronger by not allowing yourself to be sucked into the same cycle or pattern of negative talking or relationships. Take Care!

Oh, and by the way-- God doesn't laugh, Satan does, but wants to deceive you into thinking it's God. God weeps......

sanddie,

The God of my understanding has a sense of humor. I may not always appreciate it at the time, but in this case it's His way of showing me the way to humility and a teaching me a lesson in taking things for granted. These are lessons I'm sure Satan does not want me to learn.

 

Lou

-- Edited by UncleLou at 06:52, 2005-09-23

God doesn't present us with these challenges, but rather takes what has been presented in our life negatively and makes good out of it to teach us lessons by helping us through. So yes, I completely agree that God brings us to humility and wants us to learn lessons. However, all of the negativity in this world is definitely led by Satan. God doesn't make illness or tragedies as most people like to think because He is in control. His gift to us was free will to decide for ourselves what we want... Unfortunately, many times what we want is far beyond what God knows we need and it isn't until we appreciate what we have that we necessarily get what we want. If we ever get what we want at all, as to think we'd receive what we want during this lifetime is far from the entire concept of what God intends for our life. Our life isn't about you or me-- it's about Him and we are here to only glorify him and put away our selfish wants. Always staying focused on eternal life rather than this earthly world of the flesh. You are a recovering alcoholic, which is awesome. I believe I responded to you in another post commending you for your recovery and suggesting that you continue to stay focused on yourself. Ya see, Satan will use ANYONE or ANYTHING closest to us to pull us back into a life that is full of turmoil and keep us away from God. What better way than to affect the ones we love most and when we are weakest with not much confidence or strength, Satan strikes the hardest-- I know, as I've been there. When I realized this connection, my family was affected. My ex-husband attempted suicide twice, my 5 nieces and nephews, ages 4-12 years old died in a fire, my daughter developed a medical disability.... You name it-- it happened. Why? Because Satan KNEW he was losing the power he thought that he had over me as I gained a stronger relationship and understanding with God. We are ALWAYS tempted and the closer we come to God, the more that is thrown at us-- there's ONLY one way to look during it all-- UP. The more we stay involved in the circumstances and situations that keep us held where we are at, the more our progression to what our life is supposed to be according to God is halted. Take Care.

-- Edited by sanddie at 07:21, 2005-09-23

Hi Lou,

I agree with what Sandie says (well except the Satan bit) I have been in the same position as you for the past three years  and I made every excuse there was to obsess about my ex or blame him or even excuse his behaviour.  But the crux of the matter is it is none of my business , i need to keep my eyes firmly on me  and not get involved in his life.  I also dont think it is a very good idea to be involved with your ex's boyfriends ex it just keeps you on that roundabout.   What goes on with her and her ex husband is their business.  Us Al-anon's are very good at getting involved with other peoples affairs.  Life never goes as we have planned it and some times that sucks, but god never gives us anything we cannt handle and as long as we are living in his will and not our own things tend to work out.  I known when I am getting frustrated and things are not working out its because i have been doing my will and not gods and i need to get back on track then things just fall into place.

Hi Lou,

I am sorry that you are going through this.  I am sure that you have heard this expression.  Every thing happens for a reason and I certainly do believe this!!  As for your situation.  I see it as this.... Your Ex wife is on a path that she choose and you need to let go and let god.  She needs to walk this path alone and hit her bottom as you did 2 years ago.  Keep the focus on you your recovery and your children.  I says this with easy strokes of the key board and know that it is alot harder said than done ESPECIALLY when you LOVE that person!!!  We here all have a loved one that we try hard to follow the steps and use the slogans with. I am not saying that it is easy but it is essential for our sanity, serenity and our recovery.

I have been reading your posts and I really do feel for you but I often get back to thinking that working your program and putting it to the 2 situations 1. your disease and 2. your wife.  just as we all do with our addicts. 

You might not like this question but... did you seek recovery for yourself or for your marrage?? 

Putting the focus on your ex wife and what she is doing can ultimately hiinder your recovery and I am sure you know this, so please try to focus on you and your kids.

For your kids I would just be their to cussion the fall of the destruction their mother causes as you can not control what she does but be there for the kids.

I wish the best for you!!

JJ 

... did you seek recovery for yourself or for your marrage?? 

I wanted recovery for me first. I realized that I was worthless to my family the way I was and the direction I was headed. I think if I had done it for my marriage, I would have gone to outpatient rehab and stayed home to be with her instead of checking myself into inpatient. I think this was one of the major sources of resentment she felt that she was never able to get past after I came home. I don't think she realized the depth of my problems.

Hi Lou, I'm glad your God has a sense of humor. So does mine. But there are times I'd wish he'd laugh with me, rather than at me! It seems to me like you care just a bit too much about what is happening in your ex's personal life. I can understand how you'd be concerned about it. Especially if it affects the kids. That's okay. It's even okay for a part of you to still love her. My A does his, even though she use to beat him. Because they have a history and share a family. There are bonds, ones that will never be broken. As do the both of you. It's natural to want to be protective of her (to some degree) just like you are of the kids. You're a Dad. It comes with the territory. However, and this may sound harsh: It's time to let her go and live her life. Like you, she's an adult and has choices to make. They may be the wrong ones, but their hers. She made the choice to be with this guy. There's nothing you can do about it. I suspect that if you tell her what this guy may be (do you really have any proof besides another ex talking about it?) up to you might be pushing her away. Like kids finding their way, tell them not to do something. There's a pretty good chance that they might just do the opposite. If she falls, then she falls. That might sound cold. You're putting a lot of time and energy into this relationship. Part of it has to do with you still being in the same house. It's not productive anymore. You have more important things to do with all that energy. Focus on you, the kids, and finding a new place. Be concerned about it, yes. Because it might affect your kids. But don't waste your time. Live strong, Karilynn

I just had to make a comment when I read your post-- God ABSOLUTELY does NOT laugh at anyone... Satan Does---- It's too bad you feel that way because having a perception of God laughing AT YOU is only a result of what is taught to us in this world of other people having conditional love that laugh AT US. I would suggest that you study your HP (God) more before commenting that he laughs at you so that you can have a more concrete foundation that can truly help with recovery. Take Care!

The alanon program speaks of "a Power greater than ourselves", and of "God as we understood him" We do not all have the same concept of God, and I think it is not possible for one of us to tell another what God does or does not do. This is an inclusive program, with room for people with many different systems of belief. I think it's important for us all to respect that we may not agree with each other on this matter.

Amen Linda,

To me, you've summed up the whole concept which prevents 12 step recovery from crossing the line from a spiritual program to a religious one.

Sanddie, Although I respect your right to your beliefs, I need to be careful when I listen to anyone talk about God and absolutes in the same sentence. Existence of Satan? If I have a true belief in my higher power, why would I need to go that far?

Karilynn, The fact that you can joke about God laughing at you, shows that you don't take yourself to seriously, we all can learn a lot from that healthy attitude.

Thanks to all for your insights

Lou