Tell me what you all do in this situation.
My H has been the model of good behavior for the past month.
No drugs, no binge drinking. Attending counseling (with and without me)
i just don't believe that it will continue--and I don't know what to do with myself because of it.
I need to stop waiting for the bad thing to happen and just live....but its so hard because history has taught me that if I stop paying attention--things go crazy, and I'm not even aware of how crazy.
I feel that there is no relationship if there is no trust--and I as so afraid to trust him at all.
I was really immobilized by it all at first (read my old posts if you want the whole story)--now I am at least getting things accomplished and not just reading posts and playing sudoku on the web (my current addiction!)
I think I need meetings--I usually only attend f2f in crisis! (bad alanoner that I am)
awaiting your collective wisdom=
jeanne
Christy said
Sep 22, 2005
gnee,
I think you answered your own question...yep, meetings.
Take care,
Christy
abbyal said
Sep 22, 2005
Get back to meetings quick , and stop watching him he dosent need the pressure. and I am sure u have better things to do with your time, our lives cannot stop and start when they do !
Start thinking about what your going to do if he stays sober. it is a possibility. Your going to need your program more than ever now as u are about to find out that sobriety is not the answer to all of our problems. I was told that an A can't go home to an old idea and stay sober I was the old idea !!! that impressed the hell out of me I tell ya . hehe
Everyone has to change not jsut the alcoholic and the best way to support him in my opinion is to have my own program and stay outa his face and off his back. He will do what he has to do or not. nothing u can do about it one way or another. good luck Louise
debilyn said
Sep 22, 2005
The way i did it was as simple as putting it all in Hp's hands, let go and let god.
well simple sounding anyway!! not simple to do i tell ya. the way i did it and do it is
I really think and hand it to hp. Just let it go period. Stop thinking
about it. If i do instantly think, give it away.
Lots is faith in trusting hp to take care of the outcome no matter
what. That i cannot do anything about it anyway.
Whether my A is drunk, sober, on program, whatever, I do my best to enjoy him
when he is enjoyable. When the disease is being evil, it does hurt, but I distance
myself and detach. But I miss him.
Alanon really works when the skills become your way of life. And yes meetings,
literature, being close to hp, are all the way to go. And also coming here and reading
all the wealth of info and sharing.
The newbies have so much wealth to give when they share too.
I hope you find some serenity. I remember that anxiety and it is horrible. breath it
out and have faith that no matter what, everything is ok.
love,debilyn
roygbiv said
Sep 22, 2005
That's really wonderful that he's been working a program(?) for the past month. You didn't say if he's in a 12 step program. In my opinion, if he's not in a 12 step program, it's guaranteed that he'll use again.
You wrote, "I feel that there is no relationship if there is no trust--and I am so afraid to trust him at all."
You have no reason to trust him. Why would you trust him? To find out that he's been exposing you to potentially life threatening diseases over the years instead of telling you, so you could make your own choice, is a reason never to trust him again, ever. I would say he's got to earn your trust, but it's gone further than that. How can someone earn your trust back when they could have given you AIDS or HIV? It's kind of like, if I live with bad behavior for years, I don't know what good behavior is, or what "normal" is.
Fear to trust him is the natural extension of being lied to for years. No one in their right mind would trust a man who exposed them to a serious disease. That's what normal looks like. And I know you said there wasn't a lot of contact, but it only takes one time, or some body fluid or blood.
I love gay men. My daughter is gay. I don't have a problem with that. I do have a problem with second hand smoke, an in the closet gay husband who isn't concerned about protecting my health, or allowing my brother who is on Vicodan or has been drinking, to drive me in his car. Wherever their behavior crosses into my space, my lungs, my vagina, my lifespan, is where the boundary challenged me finally sticks up for myself.
On a lighter note: What's sudoku?? I'll try to remember to google it.
lin0606 said
Sep 22, 2005
"history has taught me that if I stop paying attention--things go crazy, and I'm not even aware of how crazy."
You know what? Those things would have gone crazy whether you were paying attention or not. We tend to get an illusion of control, a feeling that if we never relax our vigilance, we will be able to keep it all on track. The reality is, it's not up to us, and never was.
Your path ahead is the same whether he sobers up, or relapses, or flies to the moon - live your life. Pursue your joys and dreams. As you take your steps toward loving your life, and being the person you were meant to be, his place in it will become clear to you.
Diva said
Sep 22, 2005
I have the same trouble as you. I am so afraid to trust, but sooner or later I regain that trust, only to have it torn down again a couple years later when my A decides it's time for a drink...Those who have suggested you attend meetings are right, of course. Doing so will reinforce you, and doing so regularly will help keep you "focused"; an over-used term that fits in this case. As Debilyn says, leave it to your HP, and do take care of yourself.
With caring, Diva
Peggy7 said
Sep 23, 2005
Something I read today really clicked for me. I realize that whatever I am
looking for/focused on...I will find. If it is bad in others, it appears, if
it is good in others, that too seems to appear. As I am always trying to
remember where my strength can be found and where I must turn my eyes, I found
these truths to be loud and clear ...read on:
What you think about personal power will influence your ability to claim it
and exercise it in your life. If you believe that power means either control
or loss of control, without knowing why, you will hesitate to claim it.
If you think, even subconsciously, that power is bad, angry, manipulative,
abusive or intimidating,(as so many of us had learned to do growing up in the
atmosphere we did) then you won't be motivated to empower yourself.
Too many people have been conditioned to believe that "power" means
"having power over someone else," but it is really not about that at all.
Rather, it is about having the power "to" - to act, influence, cause or make
happen, to create and to do.
Most importantly, power is not an external force of this world. Instead of
coming, as so many people believe, from economic or social status, education,
successful careers or material wealth, power is first and foremost internal.
It comes from feeling that you have the final accountability and authority
of your own life, your own free will. It comes from feeling a strong, vital and
respectful connection to others - family, friends and community. And it
benefits others as much as it benefits you.
So think about it. Then ask yourself, "Do I feel powerful?" If not, why not?
If so, "How do I use my power?" Where should I really turn for authentic
Get back to meetings quick , and stop watching him he dosent need the pressure. and I am sure u have better things to do with your time, our lives cannot stop and start when they do !
Start thinking about what your going to do if he stays sober. it is a possibility. Your going to need your program more than ever now as u are about to find out that sobriety is not the answer to all of our problems. I was told that an A can't go home to an old idea and stay sober I was the old idea !!! that impressed the hell out of me I tell ya . hehe
Everyone has to change not jsut the alcoholic and the best way to support him in my opinion is to have my own program and stay outa his face and off his back. He will do what he has to do or not. nothing u can do about it one way or another. good luck Louise
That's really wonderful that he's been working a program(?) for the past month. You didn't say if he's in a 12 step program. In my opinion, if he's not in a 12 step program, it's guaranteed that he'll use again.
You wrote, "I feel that there is no relationship if there is no trust--and I am so afraid to trust him at all."
You have no reason to trust him. Why would you trust him? To find out that he's been exposing you to potentially life threatening diseases over the years instead of telling you, so you could make your own choice, is a reason never to trust him again, ever. I would say he's got to earn your trust, but it's gone further than that. How can someone earn your trust back when they could have given you AIDS or HIV? It's kind of like, if I live with bad behavior for years, I don't know what good behavior is, or what "normal" is.
Fear to trust him is the natural extension of being lied to for years. No one in their right mind would trust a man who exposed them to a serious disease. That's what normal looks like. And I know you said there wasn't a lot of contact, but it only takes one time, or some body fluid or blood.
I love gay men. My daughter is gay. I don't have a problem with that. I do have a problem with second hand smoke, an in the closet gay husband who isn't concerned about protecting my health, or allowing my brother who is on Vicodan or has been drinking, to drive me in his car. Wherever their behavior crosses into my space, my lungs, my vagina, my lifespan, is where the boundary challenged me finally sticks up for myself.
On a lighter note: What's sudoku?? I'll try to remember to google it.
Something I read today really clicked for me. I realize that whatever I am
looking for/focused on...I will find. If it is bad in others, it appears, if
it is good in others, that too seems to appear. As I am always trying to
remember where my strength can be found and where I must turn my eyes, I found
these truths to be loud and clear ...read on:
What you think about personal power will influence your ability to claim it
and exercise it in your life. If you believe that power means either control
or loss of control, without knowing why, you will hesitate to claim it.
If you think, even subconsciously, that power is bad, angry, manipulative,
abusive or intimidating,(as so many of us had learned to do growing up in the
atmosphere we did) then you won't be motivated to empower yourself.
Too many people have been conditioned to believe that "power" means
"having power over someone else," but it is really not about that at all.
Rather, it is about having the power "to" - to act, influence, cause or make
happen, to create and to do.
Most importantly, power is not an external force of this world. Instead of
coming, as so many people believe, from economic or social status, education,
successful careers or material wealth, power is first and foremost internal.
It comes from feeling that you have the final accountability and authority
of your own life, your own free will. It comes from feeling a strong, vital and
respectful connection to others - family, friends and community. And it
benefits others as much as it benefits you.
So think about it. Then ask yourself, "Do I feel powerful?" If not, why not?
If so, "How do I use my power?" Where should I really turn for authentic
power?
Just a thought, hope it helps.