This is my first post, however, I've been visiting the site regularly as a guest for the last two months.  I've been hoping to find someone with a similar situation, but I have not.  Many of the posts that I read describe A's that have very serious problems.  I feel for so many of you as some of the stories are awful.  I admire so many of you for your courage and strength.  My story is not as extreme as most of yours but it my world, it is wreaking havoc.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm dealing with regarding my wife.  I'm not sure if she has alcoholism, depression, extreme anger or if I'm simply the awful person that she says that I am.

We have been married for 24 years and I would describe our marriage as rocky, but we have survived for a long time.  During our marriage, she consistently threatened to leave me, but I usually felt that she did not mean that and was acting out.

About three years ago, I began noticing an increase in her drinking.  She was averaging about 3-5 bottles of wine per week.  About twice per month she would get  extremely drunk (memory loss and/or vomiting and/or incessant babbling and/or extreme meanness).  She regulalry takes a drink with her when we go out together, even in front of our kids and their friends.  I've not seen her drink in the mornings and I don't think she is doing that.  She seems to get edgy when we go out and the waiter has not come and taken a drink order.  About two years ago, I caught our teenage son with a suicide note behind a locked door.  This was very upsetting to us and could possibly have played a role in the progression of my wife's drinking. 

About 6 weeks ago, I exploded and threatened to leave her (separation for now, not divorce.)  I told her that I was concerned about her drinking.  She admitted that she was drinking too much, but said that she drank because of me.  She did then dramatically reduce the amount that she was drinking for about a month.  During that month, her behavior changed pretty significantly.  The thing that surprised me was that her sober behavior changed dramatically.  She was much less critical, cynical and she seemed somewhat happy.  Granted, she showed no interest in me still, emotionally or physically, but it was a marked improvement.  Not having to deal with the drunken behavior was very nice and I was able to really focus on taking care of myself for awhile by exercising and getting good sleep.

About 2 weeks ago, she started drinking more heavily again.  It was gradual, however last Saturday she got pretty drunk.  She woke up Sunday morning extremely angry at me for multiple past transgressions (some legit, some not so legit, mostly having to do with me being defensive towards her criticisms.)  There was lots of swearing and name calling.  That night she had a drink and everything seemed (reasonably) fine.  She did not get drunk or mean that night.  It's almost like she's now better when she is drinking and then is mean during the day when she is sober.  This is the reverse of what had been happening. 

I have been to Al-anon meetings and also group and individual therapy as I have been struggling with anxiety, depression and self esteem as well as trying to just figure out what is going on.  I certainly also identified some co-dependent behavior in myself.  I'm now actually doing pretty well - I'm off the medication and don't miss it and I'm sticking up for myself in all areas of life a lot better.

I'm pretty sure that the only way that I could get her into treatment (if she does have a problem) would be to leave her. She is very stubborn and insists that I'm the one with the problems.  Is it possible to love someone so much that you would leave them?  That seems so twisted, but I'm starting to think that is the dilemma that I'm faced with.  She is getting worse and I have no reason to believe it will not continue to get worse. 

I would love some insight if anyone has any to offer.  Could it best for the person you love to leave them?  Is that the ultimate selfless act?  What about my observations that she now seems to be worse when she is sober?  Any other thoughts/observations?  Thanks to everyone that has read this.    

Welcome!

One of the first things I have learned is that A's have a way of blaming us for all their behaviors, if it is not us; it is their childhoods, their boss, the traffic, financial situation, their friends, or their families.  It is always someone else's fault. I have learned....I didn't cause it and I can't cure it.  I know how hard it is to watch my A do the same things over and over again; he recognizes that he is hurting the ones who care the most.  I have learned not to threaten him with me leaving anymore, because the next time I say that I am leaving, I will follow through.  Take care of you, read, read, read, attend meetings, post here often, read some more.  Work on you. 

Last year I was so angry at my A, I threw a phone at the wall behind where he was laying, it hit him in the head, I went to jail.  We had a no contact order for over 3 weeks; I stayed at his parent’s house.  One day I was talking to my sister on the phone and I said..."I am so co-dependent" and her reply was "and this is news to who?" This last year has been a constant learning experience for me.  Because of my charge of Domestic Violence, I have taken anger management, and DV classes....here is the clincher....I work at and Alcohol/Drug treatment agency, so I have really paid attention to the counselors here....I have admitted to everyone, my husband is an alcoholic.....I have started admitting to everyone, sometimes he hurts my feelings, my self esteem, and my heart.....I no longer make excuses for him, I am learning to set boundaries.....and stick to them. (That is hard)

Hang in there, treat yourself gently, do nice things for you (even if it's listening to music for 10 minutes a day), love yourself, take care of you....and read about the disease...

Hugs Mary

 

That blame game is a tactic used alcoholics use to not to look at themselves. If they do, they'd have to admit where and what they are. There is nothing about this disease that is "normal" but there are many similiarities. The lies, the blame, hiding the drinking, acting like it's no big deal..the list goes on and on. The being cranky when sober can even be a manipulation...to make it seem that the drinking isn't so bad. If it's one thing I've learned it's that they can make you feel absolutely crazy!!! Nothing makes sence. Sometimes being apart is a good thing for them. They have no one to blame. At first they may binge and go over the edge, but that is what makes them hit bottom. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. Good Luck to you Keep workin it.. Christy

Welcome to the board--its great to post here, especially when you can't fit in the f2f meetings all the time. Its also nice immediate gratification to vent on the board. this is my 2cents on your post. Addicts use their substances to cope with everything--if they stop using and have no other method to cope in their repetoire(sp?)--they just get crankier and crankier. thats why they need a program, thats why they need support from people like themselves. when my H stopped using marijuana, he was hell to live with. everything bothered him--not that it didn't bug him b4----its just that when he was high, he didn't care what the kids did, or if the house wasn't picked up, or what i was doing, looked like etc. everybody's situation is its own sad tale, isn't it? but there is hope amidst it all--and a wonderful sense of community and the realization that none of us are alone. take care- Jeanne

Welcome Lonestar, and congrats for posting online here.  Please don't minimize your situation & circumstances, and offer that it is "less traumatic" than others.  Your situation doesn't sound very healthy at all, and a lot of times, OUR perceptions of our own predicaments are flavored by our own denial and willingness to accept the facts.

Your story about your wife's drinking definitely supports that she has some serious issues to deal with, but as you are already learning, they truly are HER issues.  You can help yourself by getting to Al-Anon on a regular basis, posting & sharing here, and reading all the good books you can get your hands on.  You asked the question whether it is possible that you might need to leave, as the best thing for your wife?  I would encourage you to read "Getting Them Sober", volume one, by Toby Rice Drews.  The main message of that book, in a nutshell, is "if you truly love them, you will get yourself healthy".

Alcoholics do what alcoholics do.... they blame others around them for their drinking, and work very hard to 'have the right' to drink....  There is a wonderful line, that was taught to me, during my wife's active years:

"She is either gonna drink, or she won't..... what are YOU gonna do?"

Take care of yourself, and the right answers, for YOU, will become clearer.

Take care

Tom

Hi, and welcome to you. You are lucky to have found this site.

You could almost be someone in my family. I know you're not, but see how similar these stories are?

I want to tell you this to validate you. Yes, she has a drinking problem. She has a whopping problem. It's serious and you've been all alone. No, you're not crazy, she really is impossible and mean and crazy making. That's the disease of alcoholism. It takes a wonderful lady that you married and turns her into something else.

And the strange thing is that the only way you can help her, is to nurture and love yourself enough to keep going to Alanon meetings, reading conference approved literature, make those phone calls, post here, take advantage of the resources, jump in and find comfort for yourself.

Alanons give the A encouragement and understanding. To me that means encouraging them to go to an AA meeting, and understanding, just understanding. In the beginning, I did the only thing that I knew to do with my A. We talked a little bit about AA, and his Grandmother had gone to AA, but he didn't know very much about it, but was open to going if I went with him. We looked in the phone book, and it didn't seem to be easy to find. We called the number in the phone book and a gruff man said there was a men's stag (whatever that was, it sounded strange) and he must have said another meeting also, because we screwed our courage up and finally went to one, of course, feeling very self-conscious. We bought the big book of AA there and started to read it. I'm not sure if I got the Grapevine magazine there or somewhere else, but that was good to read also. The big book is well written, funny, extremely informative.

I was very lucky that my A was open to going to meetings. He wanted me to go with him to every one, and I enjoyed the meetings also. As an Alanon, I didn't share in the AA meetings, because, listen to this closely, I (and you) can't help an alcoholic get sober. Only other alcoholics can help an A get sober. It's the magic ingredient of AA. No one really knows why this free program works, when so many of the expensive treatments don't, but the speculation is, that it's the "fellowship" of other sober alcoholics that creates the wonderful incredible loving acceptance and magic that somehow inspires an A to come naturally to Step One, realizing that you're powerless over alcohol.

So, I started out going to AA meetings,and I did that with him for about 7 months for six to seven nights a week. There wasn't anything going on in that small town anyway, and I enjoyed it. He made a few stops and starts at sobriety, and lied about it (lying is part of the disease), and then got sober. Eventually, I began attending the once a week Alanon meeting and it felt good to be with "my" people. My A would start a fight or have a tantrum every single Monday night right before my meeting. Hmmm...By the way, even when they get sober, they are still an A, and bad behavior can happen. Everything isn't automatically rosy.

My Alanon meeting had a huge basket of tapes and cd's to borrow, and the Forum magazine, and I borrowed every single one, and listened to AA, Alanon, and Alateen tapes throughout the day. Wonderful resource. There's some tapes to listen to on this website that are really good. A few Alanon ones too.

What started to happen with my A, is that eventually, gradually, he let go of his attachment to me going to every single meeting with him, and slowly, he grew attached to the people in his AA meetings, and slowly and naturally, the switch was made. The "fellowship" happened. I have read and heard that if it happens suddenly, then the spouse isn't ready for it, and is jealous of the A's new connections, and feels left out. Thankfully, I never felt that, but the founder of Alanon felt that way. After 17 years of keeping everything together, now her husband was sober and he didn't need her to be in charge anymore. So, the anger came up, and she realized that there needed to be a support group for the families of alcoholics. AA supports the alcoholic, but who supports the families? That's where Alanon comes in. We need that nurturing and support. We've been through a lot! So, Alanon is your warm bubble bath, your place to shed the constant worrying about what bad behavior is coming next.

So, I hope you keep up with the support and love you have here and find it wherever you can. You can lovingly ask if she'd like to go to an AA meeting with you, and you can buy the big book and the grapevine for your library at home, and enjoy them yourself, but that's about it. At least she'll know where to go for help when she's ready. The people in AA meetings are so welcoming and wonderful to a newcomer. It's heartwarming, and she could feel comfortable there because everyone is just like her, and her story is their story, exactly. So, that's there for her if she is ever ready.

I'll say it again, and I really believe this. The ONLY way you can help her, is to go to Alanon yourself. It helps us stop "reacting" to everything they do. It cuts those reacting cords. It helps us when we have to make a decision like leaving or not leaving, because then, we can make wise decisions, not these reactive decisions that are made when you're caught up in the family disease. Unless you are in danger and need to get out, it's better to put off making a big decision until you have some Alanon time under your belt. Hope this is helpful to you.

Jeanne, Christy, Mary, Tom and Roygbiv,

Thanks so much for your responses.  They have helped a lot.  Tom, I ordered the book you suggested and a couple of others that were "recommended" by Amazon.com when I pulled up your book.  I'm amazed that complete strangers, that I will never meet, took the time to respond to me.  Roygbiv, I wept when I read your comments.  I'm not exactly sure why, but I'm guessing that it was being validated by you.  I'm still shaken up.  Thank you to everyone. 

 

Lonestar