Last night I was moving while my husband was working ( he was not expected home until 8am this morning ).  On the way back from the condo my cell phone rang and it was my house and you guessed it he was there.  Wanting to know where we were and when we were coming home.  My heart began racing and I told him we would be home within 15 min.  When we got home I went into the bedroom where he was and told him that we were leaving in the morning.  That I loved him but he needed help.  I explained that I thought I was in God's way.. He wants to fix your broken heart and I have been trying to fix it myself.  I cried and so did he.  We talked alittle more then went to sleep with my daughter.  This am I got up and left with the kids while he was sleeping.  Now the question is ..????

How can you start a new beginning when you cant let go of the past ??? 

I am in my new condo and it is beautiful.  There has been no fighting, yelling or drinking. The kids and I walked on the beach and swam in the pool and all I can think about is my husband.  What is he doing ? How is he doing ? Does he miss me ? Does he miss our children ?  Is he lonely in that big house by himself ?  These questions just keep replaying in my mind.  I cant make them stop.  I want to call him however I know that I shouldnt .  I want to tell him I miss him and love him but I cant.  This disease has really destroyed our family and that makes me so sad.  I knew leaving would be hard but I didnt know that it would be this hard.  I am hoping that tomorrow will be better. 

Please pray for me and my family.. We need prayers right now.. !!

Tammy

 

 

Hi Tammy:

 

I know you need a ((((hug)))) right now.  I know how hard it is and I wish that you weren't going through this right now.  I wish many of us weren't.  Allow yourself to grieve as many people on this board have told me.  It is a process and you are normal for thinking of him.  However, you also need to focus on you and the kids.  Enjoy your condo, enjoy your kids. I'm sure he misses you, just like I know my A misses me.  That's not the problem.  It's the disease. Live well, be strong and have faith. 

Much love,

 

Kim

HI Tammy

 

It sounds like some peace has finally enetred your life through the door that you opened to it.

Peace is a very new feeling.

serenity, for me has taken alot longer but is starting to take hold of my life.

I found that soon after I left my husband he was doing exactly what he had been doing.

drinking 24/7 and gambling and spending our savings.

But I was not: arguing, pleading, yelling taking sleeping pills to make it through the night, overeating, being raw from the sight of him always drunk.

 

I started to work on me, slowly and steadily the pain and the grief are lessening.

Time does heal. walking on the beach heals. Seeing smiles on yourself and your children heals.

Soon after I left my husband in May I was torn such as you are today.

Someone posted a poem about letting go of those not in recovery, I will look for it for you.

Stay strong. You are very very brave. Enjoy the beach and the peace

In support and recovery

megan

 

Tammy, I guess we will never know if we make the right decision when it comes to relationships.  There seems to be good and not so good in each that I have encountered.  My son's girl friend of four years just broke it off because of his drinking.  She had little choice.  It was a total surprise to him; he has since become a better, more mature person, because of it.  And he is very sad to think that it had to end that way, and he can't understand how he was so stupid in doing the things that he did do in the relationship.  But I definitely see positive growth. 

I believe you have done the right thing.  I know it must be painful, but I am certain you weighed the one against the other before you made your decision.  I am reminded every day of the what alcoholism has done to our family living w my active A.  We have all detached from his choices.  My sons have moved on w their lives, and I am involved with my work.  Luckily, my A stopped drinking so our children weren't exposed to it while they were home as they were off to college when he resumed his addiction (after 15 years of sobriety).

Take care of you and your children.  You have done what you must do for your health.  Blessings to you and your family, Annie

((((((((((((((((((((tammy)))))))))))))))))))))))

Just though you could use a hug.  Trust your Hp.  You and your Kids come first.  I think you did the right thing for your kids.  I think all your question about your A just show you still love him.  Some time if you love someone you have to let them go.  Maybe he will drink maybe not.  This may be the wake up call he needed.  Remember the three C's.  Take many more walk along the beach and spend time with your kids.  In time you will feel better not over night.

Your friend in recovery NIKKILOU

(((((((((((((Tammy)))))))))))))))))),

What a very big step!  I am proud of you for taking care of you and your precious children.  They need to grow up in a healthy safe environment.  Sounds like you had a wonderful day, a day most children dream of -- carefree, stress free and full of fun and love - not worrying about why Mommy is sad or why Daddy drinks or why Mommy and Daddy yell at each other.

The below is one of my favorite readings.  I hope it gives you the strength and fortitude to know that you are a person of worth - deserving of love - deserving of hope - deserving of a good life.

Letting Go of Those Not In Recovery

 

We can go forward with our life and recoveries, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.

 

Picture a bridge.  On one side of the bridge, it is cold and dark.  We stood there with others in the cold and darkness, doubled over in pain.  Some of us developed an eating disorder to cope with the pain.  Some drank; some used other drugs.  Some of us lost control of our sexual behavior.  Some of us obsessively focused on addicted people’s pain to distract us from our own pain.  Many of us did both:  We developed an addictive behavior and distracted ourselves by focusing on other addicted people.  We did not know there was a bridge.  We thought we were trapped on a cliff.

 

Then, some of us got lucky.  Our eyes opened, by the Grace of God, because it was time.  We saw the bridge.  People told us what was on the other side:  Warmth, light, and healing from our pain.  We could barely glimpse or imagine this, but we decided to start the trek across the bridge anyway.

 

We tried to convince the people around us on the cliff that there was a bridge to a better place, but they wouldn’t listen.  They couldn’t see it; they couldn’t believe.  They were not ready for the journey.  We decided to go alone, because we believed and because people on the other side were cheering us onward.   The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see and feel that what we had been promised was real.  There was light, warmth, healing and love.  The other side was a better place.

 

But now, there is a bridge between us and those on the other side.  Sometimes, we may be tempted to go back and drag them over with us, but it cannot be done.  No one can be dragged or forced across this bridge.  Each person must go at his or her own choice, when the time is right.  Some will come; some will stay on the other side.  The choice is not ours.

 

We can love them.  We can wave to them.  We can holler back and forth.  We can cheer them on, as others have cheered and encouraged us.  But we cannot make them come over with us.

 

If our time has come to cross the bridge, or if we have already crossed and are standing in the light and warmth, we do not have to feel guilty.  It is where we are meant to be.  We do not have to go back to the dark cliff because another’s time has not yet come.

 

The best thing we can do is stay in the light, because it reassures others that there is a better place.  And if others ever do decide to cross the bridge, we will be there to cheer them on.

 

Today’s reminder:  I will move forward with my life, despite what others are doing or not doing.  I will know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others behind to do that.  I will not feel guilty, I will not feel ashamed.  I know that where I am now is a better place and that is where I am meant to be.

yours in recovery,

Maria123

congratulations Tammy- I know that u don't feel all that worthy of praise--but it sounds like you are heading in the right direction. Just re-read your posts from last month and see how far your strength has taken you. You and the kids need to be in peace--and maybe, just maybe, your H will see that in time. take good care and I will pray for you- best wishes- Jeanne

Lots of good stuff already, so I just wanted to say - allow yourself to be unhappy, to take some time before you feel good. When you get your appendix out, or some other thing that was really hurting you and threatening your life, removed, you still would feel lousy after the surgery. This is a big surgery here, you have the right to feel bad for a while. It's OK to grieve the loss of your dreams, and grieve what is happening to your husband. It doesn't mean you want to go back, it just means you are sad, and why not? You know you have made the right choice, for you and your kids. This may be the kick your husband needs to reach his bottom, but even if it isn't, your kids deserve a better life. Go easy on yourself for a while, if you can. The kids will need you right now, you can all just huddle together and give yourselves time to mend a bit.

Hi Tammy!

I felt how your heart is hurting in your post!  You are in my prayers and thoughts.  I have days where I wish I was as brave as you.  Hang in there. 

Hugs Mary

((Tammy)), I'm sure what you are experiencing is normal. You not only did this for you and your children, but for him too. Sometimes it takes losing it all for an A to come to their sences . Give him that opportunity. It's the most loving thing you can do. He can either take a good long look at himself and choose recovery or drown his reality. Whatever he chooses, either way, you are already two steps ahead of the game. Enjoy your peace. Christy

Tammy, You did it. You should be so proud of yourself. We are of you. Sending you many, many hugs to you and your children. In my favorite book there is this passage. Hope it helps. All rivers come, at last ... to the Sea. All pains comes, at last ... to Peace. All fear comes, at last ... to Love. All spirit comes, at last ... home again to God. Much love and prayers to you and your family. Live strong, Karilynn