does this sound strange to anyone else? My A quit his job after leaving a rehab. His boss had been dealing to him at work and he said that he could not return and stay sober. I was supportive of this decision. Well, he gave up a 20 year career and a million dollars/year in sales to do what , I do not know. I am trying to be understanding. I told him that I understand that he needed to not return there, and I do. Well, he had the opportunity to collect unemployment and I thought he was going to. I figured that that would give him the opportunity to really focus on his recovery, flexibility to go to meetings, work a program and figure out his next moves without the high stress his job caused. It would be difficult financially, but we could do it. I said, I can pinch a penny as well as the next guy, just give me a few pennies to pinch. I have a very good job with benefits so that is not an issue. I could also make some major life changes and support my children and I on my salary alone if I had to. So this is where I am today, he had a phone hearing for unemployment. They said he had to have paperwork filled out from his therapist, the rehab he had been to and a representative from AA. Well, I think he freaked out, he declined the unemployment. I have had the nagging feeling that he has relapsed, but nothing concrete. This just seems to go right along witht he nagging feeling. I just do not get it. Should I? Has anyone ever had this sort of situation. I feel like I am trying to be supportive of his recovery, but he is not following through on his end. Any thoughts... Pinching what few pennies I have - just trying to stay above water. Lynn

hi confused, My first thought was so much energy is being put into him. What are you doing for you? Whether he is using or recovering whatever, I find I don't have to be part of it. I don't have to be anymore supportive than if he says, " I am sober today." I just say well that is cool. That is it. I don't plan for him or mention AA, nothing. That is up to him. For me to put his disease in his lap and not be part of it is the only way I can do it. As far as his income, I separate that too. i believe, for me, I need to have my own income, vehicle, home, everything. All I share with him is love, a healthy love guided by alanon skills. Believe me, it is the biggest weight off a person to stop getting into an A's business no matter what it is. After all we cannot control, cure or cause it anyhow. There is no rationalizing it anyway. I go on with my life, pay my bills, if i had kids i would raise the kids, and be thankful if he was ever a part of their life. If he used in front of them or was messed up, I would not allow him to live with us or see the kids alone. the let go and let god is primary for me. i hope you find your serenity. much love,debilyn

Lynn,

I know exactly how you feel.

When my A got out of rehab he could have collected disability but he never followed through on the paperwork--I really don't know why.  Procrastination??  Lack of responsibility??  I did not do it for him and it never got done.  He didn't follow through with recovery at that point anyway and ended up relapsing, several times.

I've since done everything possible to be able to pay the bills on my own salary.  I'm refinancing the mortgage.  It's not easy but I've found it can be done.  We need to know that we can make it on our own if they don't maintain sobriety.  My A never missed a day of work before--he went to rehab in March--he has not returned to work since.

in support,

mom to 2

Lynn,

My A also did not go back to work after rehab to stressfull and lot of drinking at work and after.  So for that reson it was good.  He left work in august and didn't do unempolyment untill december.  to lazy or didn't think he would get it because he left.  Well i drove him down their sat with him so he would not leave waiting.  He got it.  Some paper work to fill out. I did it.  I got the sign off from doctors.   It took two days off little things here and their.  He ended up getting $680 a week for 6mos i think.  To much to give up for the faimly I think.  It reaaly helped gave him time to work on self and I didn't stress about money.  Tell him to think about it.  We did are call in online everyweek you never have to talk to them again just the first time.  It was also mailed to the house.  Good luck NIKKILOU