Last night I told my husband that the kids are I are leaving. I have ask him to leave several times and he wont so I found a place for me and the kids to go. Its temporary but taking it one day at a time is about all I can do for now.
This is HUGE, I am not sure my husband believed me at first. Now I am sure, I told him as soon as I can get everything arranged maybe as soon as tomorrow ( thats today ).. Well, he called me this afternoon for some silly reason and ask if we were moving today.. I told him that I wasnt able to cordinate everything and would probably Friday or Saturday.
After he sat there he said " you are doing this not me " I said yes, I have made the decision NOT TO LIVE like this anymore.. But you made the decision to drink.
I am just wondering, if he comes home tomorrow and asks what he can do to get us to stay what specific boundries are good ? I mean what are some specifics that those of you who have been in my shoes have used ?
In the past I have left and came back with promises of going to counseling and getting help. Needless to say we always end up right here.
I was just wondering if anyone would share a similar situation with me ??
Thanks, Tammy
lin0606 said
Sep 14, 2005
My A always used to say - "Just remember , if you leave, it's YOU who have destroyed this family." Yeah, right.
Can't help you with boundaries, only you know what they would be. I'd be wary of promises, though.. Probably be better to leave now, and say something like "We'll talk about me coming back in a month (or six months, or whatever) if you're in a program, we've gone to family counselling, you've got a job..." or whatever the boundaries you decide on are.
You know that he wil promise anything - you need to let him know that he actually has to DELIVER. No more marriage "on credit" as it were. We're rooting for you.
abbyal said
Sep 14, 2005
Hello Tammy , please dont give him an ultimatum unless your prepared to carry thru on the threat , asking him to not drink is futile,he is only doing what a A does drink. There is nothing u can do about him but alot u can do for yourself and your children.I hope you are attending al anon meetings for yourself they will help alot. Good luck Louise
megan said
Sep 14, 2005
Hi Tammy
I am in a similar situation.
My boundary is that I will get back with my alcoholic husband of 14 years if he becomes sober for 6 months, is in a program, acknowledges the harm that his drinking has done and has improved his behaviour.
I remain alone.
And have some moments of peace and joy in between the pain and lonliness.
I am working on me and am pleased with the results
agatha said
Sep 14, 2005
I think you first have to ask yourself what you motive for leaving is. Is it because you are now ready to create a life for you and your children on your terms? Tired of living the way you are and ready to take charge of your own future? Live the way you really want to live or is it because your hoping to shock him into sobiety or what I have heard someone else say here, a false bottom?
You obviously love him and would prefer that your marriage works out and I hope that it does. I left my A and at the point that I left I was ready to carry on without him for good. I was going out there to finally live for myself for the first time ever. If he couldn't give me the life I wanted then I was ready to get it myself. I was truely living for my son and myself and all my focus was on us and not my A.
Ten months after I left and my A had been in the program for about five months we talked about giving it another try. The boundaries I set? I told him, "This is the life I have made for myself. You are welcome to join us if you like." I made it clear that I had moved on and if he was ready to do the same he could join me but I was never going back. That is how I looked at it in my mind and that wording seemed to work for me.
I hope you find what works for you.
Agatha
canadianguy said
Sep 15, 2005
Tammy - these ones are sooooo hard.... I would almost be willing to bet that he WILL come home today and tomorrow, in order to try to see what can be done to stop you from leaving.... He will likely use guilt ("this is your doing, not mine"), or any number of other tactics... This is where the disease is so manipulative - his focus is on exactly "what is the bare minimum I can do that will stop my life from falling apart, but will allow me to keep drinking".
I have no answers, as I went through at least five of these same scenarios with my (now ex) wife. I would encourage you simply to remember that alcoholics ultimately judge us by our actions, not our words.... If you threaten to leave and then do not, he wins. I am NOT saying you need to leave, but am trying to encourage you in the following way....
If you want to go the route of boundaries - lay out the boundaries that are important to you, AND be willing to take the action you are threatening, if these boundaries are not met. Honestly, it may not be realistic, today, for one of those boundaries to be "no more drinking", but perhaps "zero tolerance for drinking in the house, in front of the children, etc". Another good one is the insistence that he attends so many AA meetings per week, or some such thing.... Whatever will help you accept that he is on the path to recovery.... But once again, please remember to "say what you will do, and do what you say". If you say "these are my boundaries, and if you don't meet them, we are leaving", then be prepared to follow through on that if he does not meet them....
Alcoholics are amazing at begging for second (and third, fourth, fifth, etc) chances, and also love to turn their issues around on us....
You are on a good path here, and I offer you encouragement
Take care
Tom
bcanuck said
Sep 15, 2005
Hi Tammy,
I think you came up with your own answer when you told him you have made the decision not to live like this anymore. You're taken the first step, but the hardest partwill be living with your decision. Don't second guess yourself, if this is how you truly feel deep down in your heart. Wish I had your courage.
Hi Tammy
I am in a similar situation.
My boundary is that I will get back with my alcoholic husband of 14 years if he becomes sober for 6 months, is in a program, acknowledges the harm that his drinking has done and has improved his behaviour.
I remain alone.
And have some moments of peace and joy in between the pain and lonliness.
I am working on me and am pleased with the results
I think you first have to ask yourself what you motive for leaving is. Is it because you are now ready to create a life for you and your children on your terms? Tired of living the way you are and ready to take charge of your own future? Live the way you really want to live or is it because your hoping to shock him into sobiety or what I have heard someone else say here, a false bottom?
You obviously love him and would prefer that your marriage works out and I hope that it does. I left my A and at the point that I left I was ready to carry on without him for good. I was going out there to finally live for myself for the first time ever. If he couldn't give me the life I wanted then I was ready to get it myself. I was truely living for my son and myself and all my focus was on us and not my A.
Ten months after I left and my A had been in the program for about five months we talked about giving it another try. The boundaries I set? I told him, "This is the life I have made for myself. You are welcome to join us if you like." I made it clear that I had moved on and if he was ready to do the same he could join me but I was never going back. That is how I looked at it in my mind and that wording seemed to work for me.
I hope you find what works for you.
Agatha
Tammy - these ones are sooooo hard.... I would almost be willing to bet that he WILL come home today and tomorrow, in order to try to see what can be done to stop you from leaving.... He will likely use guilt ("this is your doing, not mine"), or any number of other tactics... This is where the disease is so manipulative - his focus is on exactly "what is the bare minimum I can do that will stop my life from falling apart, but will allow me to keep drinking".
I have no answers, as I went through at least five of these same scenarios with my (now ex) wife. I would encourage you simply to remember that alcoholics ultimately judge us by our actions, not our words.... If you threaten to leave and then do not, he wins. I am NOT saying you need to leave, but am trying to encourage you in the following way....
If you want to go the route of boundaries - lay out the boundaries that are important to you, AND be willing to take the action you are threatening, if these boundaries are not met. Honestly, it may not be realistic, today, for one of those boundaries to be "no more drinking", but perhaps "zero tolerance for drinking in the house, in front of the children, etc". Another good one is the insistence that he attends so many AA meetings per week, or some such thing.... Whatever will help you accept that he is on the path to recovery.... But once again, please remember to "say what you will do, and do what you say". If you say "these are my boundaries, and if you don't meet them, we are leaving", then be prepared to follow through on that if he does not meet them....
Alcoholics are amazing at begging for second (and third, fourth, fifth, etc) chances, and also love to turn their issues around on us....
You are on a good path here, and I offer you encouragement
Take care
Tom
Hi Tammy,
I think you came up with your own answer when you told him you have made the decision not to live like this anymore. You're taken the first step, but the hardest partwill be living with your decision. Don't second guess yourself, if this is how you truly feel deep down in your heart. Wish I had your courage.
Good luck to you.
Bonnie