Good morning Family~ I visited the board the other day for the first time in along time and wow, it felt so good to be back. I am going through my own emotional journey right now. I have taken some time off this year to do things "my way" and found myself with absolutely no direction and isolated. A choice of my own clearly, but the up side is that a little each day I am reaching out a little more. Small steps... As some of you know I divorced last year and started out on my own path to recovery...Today I believe I am hitting my own bottom. I ventured out and with a full head of steam to make a different life for me and my kids. My ex and I worked very hard to make life better for the kids by providing the loving enviornment we could not provide together for them. We've done well. Bumps along the way , but with the gift of both programs we were able to be adults and think of the kids with each and every decision we've made. Some not so smart decisions on my own part in the last few months....however I went to "the edge" and never jumped Figuratively speaking( was ready to pack up and move cross country into a very unhealthy situation)...I found the courage to end a not so healthy relatinship a few weeks ago, and it was one of the most difficult situations I have found myself in since my departure from my marriage. More difficult in fact...because while I was making life changing decisions in regard to my seperation and divorce I was making meetings ,reaching out..speaking out and trusting completely in the process and my hp. Im my quest to do it "my way" I took the reigns back into my hands and got lost for a bit. Very grateful for the courage to share with a few program people what was "really going" on in this relationship, and grateful for their memory of such ,bringing me back when I would slip back beneath the veil of denial. The positive that I can see that came from such an "adventure" was that I was able to get to my truth and look at some of my daunting past, and was able to finally sit with my ex and be completely honest with him and explain why I left my marriage... Something I could not answer, or even see clearly to explain in the last year..coming from a numb place for so long..Bitterness, shame and anger removed. Just plain old compassion, and honesty,truth,truth ,truth..and was received with the same in response. A GIFT...So today I am grateful for the program, my courage ,although difficult to tap into when I am forcing my will..a lesson I OBVIOUSLY had to re-learn again, and thats ok...It's practice not perfection here , and I really dig that! STILL...thanks for listening~ Carla Glad to be here today..one day at a time
FormalWare said
Sep 14, 2005
Carla--
I can really relate to your experience. I, too, have "gone my own way", for awhile (in my case, 8 or 9 years), and have now realized I've pushed my HP out of the driver's seat almost completely. 'Course, it took my running off the road and almost crashing, to make me see that.
So, I'm happy to say, I'm back in a face-to-face Al-Anon group--and am really grateful for this board, too! Congratulations on finding your way back!
/Bud
Jill said
Sep 14, 2005
hi carla, it's good to hear from you. i've been wondering how you're doing. reading your post reminded me about when i was new to alanon and one lady said they're just feelings. oh i won't forget how i felt to hear that. until that moment i had assumed everyone else was just like me -- our survival depended on avoiding all feelings. as i worked my program over the years, feelings invaded my barriers. i remember a few times being completely unable to function as i was posessed by some intense feeling (can't even remember what the issue was) because i was inexperienced at functioning with feelings. in the midst of my paralysis i remembered that alanoner's "it's just a feeling", and for no reason i was comforted by that. writing this now is also comforting. feelings aren't just something evil to be avoided anymore. they're joy and grief and everything between. now i know they'll occupy me for a while and then fade into my background. thanks for the topic and the update. jill (your old pal jemma in meetings, the name wouldn't work here)
Carla--
I can really relate to your experience. I, too, have "gone my own way", for awhile (in my case, 8 or 9 years), and have now realized I've pushed my HP out of the driver's seat almost completely. 'Course, it took my running off the road and almost crashing, to make me see that.
So, I'm happy to say, I'm back in a face-to-face Al-Anon group--and am really grateful for this board, too! Congratulations on finding your way back!
/Bud