I've allowed myself to ride a rollercoaster for the past year and a half. Divorced last month and last week my ex hits me with "I'm not sure if I did the right thing, I'm so sorry for the way I treated you, I wish I had done things differently, Let's go back to counceling." I'm thinking and hoping that maybe she hit her codependent bottom and is willing to stop continuing placing the blame for all of her problems on me. (Not that I didn't cause many in our 16 years together, but I have honestly tried to own what is mine and make ammends.) I know she can't make any progress towards her recovery unless she admits her part in her problems just like I had to accept my part in my problems.
Anyway, today we're back to the same old shit. She tells me her therapist refuses to see me. (Blame it on the therapist? Why would a therapist refuse to see me if it's what we both wanted. My guess is she changed her mind again and won't own it.) She told me she's sick of my lies and manipulations. I asked her to clarify what lies and she refused to continue the conversation. I know that I am VERY careful to be truthful and honest about everything lately, my sobriety is on the line if I'm not. She told me she's tired of me telling everyone what a horrible person she is and what a lousy mother she is. Throughout this whole thing I never said she was a bad person and I always told everyone she's a good mother, that's why I wanted so badly to work things out. Her own behavior has been enough for friends and neighbors to be criticle of her. If anything, I defend my ex if I hear someone criticize her unfairly. I'm coming to realize that she has a long way to go in her recovery and she's at a point that I was at once. She is miserable and looking for all external souces for her misery to blame. We alcoholics are experts at this until we recover. It's amazing how really similar some of the symptoms of the disease are for both the A's and non-A's. In the meantime I can really identify with all the up and down insanity everyone here goes through.
I need to keep my distance, and stop enabling her by letting her deal with the consequences of her decisions. I will be there for my kids, but I will not make her life easier by bending the rules she forced on me that were spelled out in the divorce. I wanted 50% custody of the kids, she faught to get 5 out of 7 nights. Those nights I used to be home and cook dinner, from now on she can leave work, miss the gym and do it. Those mornings I used to get my son up and drive him to the bus, she can handle it. I'm done. Her laundry? Right.
Christy said
Sep 14, 2005
Good for you, Lou!!!
When I stopped enabling It took a load off my shoulders. I was glad to give up "other people's stuff" that I was carrying
It gave me a new direction and allowed more time for me.
Not enabling is always the right thing
Christy.
Karilynn said
Sep 14, 2005
You go Lou!
I'm so proud of you. This is your time for you. Start focusing all that energy you put into her, and put it where it belongs. On you and your kids.
Remember, it's your life. You will have it your way. Take no prisoners!
Live strong,
Karilynn
I've allowed myself to ride a rollercoaster for the past year and a half. Divorced last month and last week my ex hits me with "I'm not sure if I did the right thing, I'm so sorry for the way I treated you, I wish I had done things differently, Let's go back to counceling." I'm thinking and hoping that maybe she hit her codependent bottom and is willing to stop continuing placing the blame for all of her problems on me. (Not that I didn't cause many in our 16 years together, but I have honestly tried to own what is mine and make ammends.) I know she can't make any progress towards her recovery unless she admits her part in her problems just like I had to accept my part in my problems.
Anyway, today we're back to the same old shit. She tells me her therapist refuses to see me. (Blame it on the therapist? Why would a therapist refuse to see me if it's what we both wanted. My guess is she changed her mind again and won't own it.) She told me she's sick of my lies and manipulations. I asked her to clarify what lies and she refused to continue the conversation. I know that I am VERY careful to be truthful and honest about everything lately, my sobriety is on the line if I'm not. She told me she's tired of me telling everyone what a horrible person she is and what a lousy mother she is. Throughout this whole thing I never said she was a bad person and I always told everyone she's a good mother, that's why I wanted so badly to work things out. Her own behavior has been enough for friends and neighbors to be criticle of her. If anything, I defend my ex if I hear someone criticize her unfairly. I'm coming to realize that she has a long way to go in her recovery and she's at a point that I was at once. She is miserable and looking for all external souces for her misery to blame. We alcoholics are experts at this until we recover. It's amazing how really similar some of the symptoms of the disease are for both the A's and non-A's. In the meantime I can really identify with all the up and down insanity everyone here goes through.
I need to keep my distance, and stop enabling her by letting her deal with the consequences of her decisions. I will be there for my kids, but I will not make her life easier by bending the rules she forced on me that were spelled out in the divorce. I wanted 50% custody of the kids, she faught to get 5 out of 7 nights. Those nights I used to be home and cook dinner, from now on she can leave work, miss the gym and do it. Those mornings I used to get my son up and drive him to the bus, she can handle it. I'm done. Her laundry? Right.