I did my first boundry tonight.
My A came home drunk again...and went to take a "nap" in the basement. Said he'd like dinner at 7. I said ok. I went to get him up at 6:55 and was unable to get much response. He finally grunted and I told him dinner was in 5 minutes and if he wasn't there I would eat without him. He grunted ok. I repeated that I was eating in 5 min. with or without him. Well.. he didnt come up so I ate... did the dishes and did some stuff on the computer. Finally he came up and I simply told him his dinner was in the microwave. He looked at his watch a few times and walked away. I went and took a shower while he ate so I wouldn't have to deal with him.
The worst part is I don't feel any better than dealing with his obnoxiousness at dinner. I feel guilty. I am rationalizing that i "detached with love" since he was sooo tired.... but I feel crappy about it. Not sure what I did wrong..
Please help me see what I did wrong..... I think I should feel good but maybe not
agatha said
Sep 13, 2005
I don't think you did anything wrong. It sounds to me like you did it just right. You were kind enough to make dinner when he asked and you woke him at the the time he want you to wake him. It is not your fault he didn't get up. Were you supposed to sit at the table and not eat because he wasn't there? No, you took care of your needs. You needed to have dinner. You saved dinner for your A and put it in a covenient place where he could easily reheat it. You also removed yourself from the room so as not to upset things when you felt you needed too.
I think it just takes practice to feel okay with a new way of doing things. Some of us feel so bad for so long about ourselves that feeling good is completely foreign. It will come in time one day at a time.
Stay strong.
Agatha
Kim said
Sep 14, 2005
Ithink you did just fine doing exactly what you set out to do, set a boundary. It is so easy to feel guilt when we do such a thing, it is harder to concentrate on ourselves and not feel it. You did great. Keep it up.
jo4 said
Sep 14, 2005
when my a was active, i made meals for the family.
if he was there, he ate, if not, it went in the fridge. that is letting the a feel the consequences of his drinking.
trying to wake up someone who has been drinking is kinda futile. a respectful one-time try is ok. anything more is ignoring the reality of the situation.
my opinion.
jo
marmare said
Sep 14, 2005
Hi,
I have found that this last year and setting boundaries, it is hard and I sometimes feel guilty. It has been almost one year since I stoped buying beer or any other alcohol for my A. At first when he would ask me to pick some up while I was at the store, I would say no and then feel so guilty. He finally stopped asking. I explained that I felt uncomfortable buying it for him. He actually would have to leave the house to buy it, that sometimes is too much of a burden for him. Change is hard, even change that is good for you. Hang in there! Your doing great! It gets easier.
I don't think you did anything wrong. It sounds to me like you did it just right. You were kind enough to make dinner when he asked and you woke him at the the time he want you to wake him. It is not your fault he didn't get up. Were you supposed to sit at the table and not eat because he wasn't there? No, you took care of your needs. You needed to have dinner. You saved dinner for your A and put it in a covenient place where he could easily reheat it. You also removed yourself from the room so as not to upset things when you felt you needed too.
I think it just takes practice to feel okay with a new way of doing things. Some of us feel so bad for so long about ourselves that feeling good is completely foreign. It will come in time one day at a time.
Stay strong.
Agatha
when my a was active, i made meals for the family.
if he was there, he ate, if not, it went in the fridge. that is letting the a feel the consequences of his drinking.
trying to wake up someone who has been drinking is kinda futile. a respectful one-time try is ok. anything more is ignoring the reality of the situation.
my opinion.
jo
Hi,
I have found that this last year and setting boundaries, it is hard and I sometimes feel guilty. It has been almost one year since I stoped buying beer or any other alcohol for my A. At first when he would ask me to pick some up while I was at the store, I would say no and then feel so guilty. He finally stopped asking. I explained that I felt uncomfortable buying it for him. He actually would have to leave the house to buy it, that sometimes is too much of a burden for him. Change is hard, even change that is good for you. Hang in there! Your doing great! It gets easier.
Hugs Mary