SEPTEMBER 12 >Healing > >We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow >healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves >to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along >the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity.... >
#######ROSIE>>>> oh i was at first, but now i know i cannot *force* god/time/process>>>its gonna go at its own speed and it will be right>>>>yep, and mine was a big 12 lane super highway to boot>>>but i am walking it , bit by bit, one foot in front of the other, going along, and like the tortoise and the hare, i will get there
We should anticipate these stages in our emotional >convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty >days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in >life, gradually giving way... to the new weaving of a >pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible >challenge of life.
######ROSIE>>>>oh for me, i can tell you the DATES on which i had my 2 worst meltdowns....jun 4th 2004 and the WORST one of all of them was on oct. 22nd 2004>>>the pain began deep within , like the first one, and THIS time it radiated out through my pores>>>>>i remember lying on my back, weeping and sobbing and pleading with God, "why can't i love me like you do??" >>>>i *howled* in pain, like a creature in its death throes, howling/ keening, i could hear my *own* terrifying sounds comming from the inner most part of me gushing from my throat!! >>>>i'll never forget it as long as i live!!! the grief layers had begun!!! and i was alone at the time!!!! next day i got up and i literally felt like i had had an *out of body experience* my legs were weak, i felt like i had *bled out* from my spirit>>> and i had to play a tennis match in doubles that night>>>>>> i showed up, and my partner was as sick (for other reasons) as i was!!! we still gave them hell, but lost it!!! i could hardly stand on my feet during my serves>>i thought i was going to pass out i was SO exhausted from 14 hours straight crying/ sobbing/ howling!!! the days and months afterwards would see more *melt downs* but they were predicatable, and they were less and less frequent and less and less intense!! i could always tell when i had *one comming on*>>>the urge to *curl up in my bed and cleanse myself would come on* and there were times , i had to *make an appointment with myself* to cleanse later!!! and people WONDER, WHY i hated my perp so much>>>>> well?? now?? i DECIDED to replace the hate for that freak with love for me>>>>like pouring clean water in a bucket full of dirty/rancid water>>>>eventually the clean water takes over and replaces the bad!!!!
Recovery is a process. It is a gradual process, a healing >process, and a spiritual process - a journey rather than a >destination. > >
#####ROSIE>>>>yep, and i think i know why!!! this shit is SO intense, SO draining, SO demanding of my energy/ resources/ strength, that to do it TOO fast, may put me in shock!!! i thought about it>>>God is being merciful feeding me this *metamorphis* in increments>>>>to do anything faster, i know i would go into shock!! my nervous system would not be able to take it>>>>i remember seeing a beautiful tarantula spider lying on its back *molting*!! as it lay on its back, the intense/ demanding/ yet so precise process of nature, shedding its entire skin!! leaving an outter shell of itself>>a virtual layer / an old *likeness* of its real self>>>>after the process the spider lay there, exhausted, vulnerable, new skin so delicate a slight touch may kill it>>>>finally after a long rest, it *gingerly* got up, and using all this remaining strength it walked away>>>>> i felt very much like that spider did>>>>when i would come out of my *molting* stages, shedding off these old layers that the perp put on me, i would be so exhausted, there were times that soon as i got home from work, i would need to go to bed, and have maybe 12 hours of sleep to get through the next day>>>>>like the tarantula, my *molting* stages were frequent in the *youngest days of my recovery* >>>now as i get *older* i need to *molt* less and less, and i can *get up and walk away* a bit faster>>>>but make no mistate!!!! it was HELL!!!!! but productive and necessary!!
Just as codependency takes on a life of its own and is >progressive, so recovery progresses. One thing leads to >another and things - as well as us - get better. > >######ROSIE>>>>>i just put one foot in front of the other>>>>it took me a while to get this sick, this messed up, i must be patient with myself in that it is going to take a while to put me back together again>>>>>.the GOOD news is this!!! if the perp can mess me up with his *hit and miss* evil, just THINK of the GOOD my *Christ within* and i can do with my dedicated/concerted/diligent/ernest love and nurturing of me!!! i already won!!!! by comming here!!! by DECIDING to work the steps and doing the grunt work while my higher power does the rest>>>>i AM getting better each day
We can relax, do our part, and let the rest happen. >------ >
#####ROSIE>>>>yep, do what i can do and i decide to just have *blind faith that God and the process are working-- whether or not i feel it-- its there---workiing!!*
Today, I will trust this process and this journey that I >have undertaken. > ######ROSIE>>>>>at first there was NO trust in my heart for ANYthing>>>>but my willingness my openess my willingness to take on a diferent perception of myself, God, Life has carried me through my *agnostic* period!!!! i was WILLING, i AM progressing!!!!! thank you, done...rosie
SEPTEMBER 12
>Healing
>
>We should learn not to grow impatient with the slow
>healing process of time. We should discipline ourselves
>to recognize that there are many steps to be taken along
>the highway leading from sorrow to renewed serenity....
>
#######ROSIE>>>> oh i was at first, but now i know i cannot *force* god/time/process>>>its gonna go at its own speed and it will be right>>>>yep, and mine was a big 12 lane super highway to boot>>>but i am walking it , bit by bit, one foot in front of the other, going along, and like the tortoise and the hare, i will get there
We should anticipate these stages in our emotional
>convalescence: unbearable pain, poignant grief, empty
>days, resistance to consolation, disinterestedness in
>life, gradually giving way... to the new weaving of a
>pattern of action and the acceptance of the irresistible
>challenge of life.
######ROSIE>>>>oh for me, i can tell you the DATES on which i had my 2 worst meltdowns....jun 4th 2004 and the WORST one of all of them was on oct. 22nd 2004>>>the pain began deep within , like the first one, and THIS time it radiated out through my pores>>>>>i remember lying on my back, weeping and sobbing and pleading with God, "why can't i love me like you do??" >>>>i *howled* in pain, like a creature in its death throes, howling/ keening, i could hear my *own* terrifying sounds comming from the inner most part of me gushing from my throat!! >>>>i'll never forget it as long as i live!!! the grief layers had begun!!! and i was alone at the time!!!! next day i got up and i literally felt like i had had an *out of body experience* my legs were weak, i felt like i had *bled out* from my spirit>>> and i had to play a tennis match in doubles that night>>>>>> i showed up, and my partner was as sick (for other reasons) as i was!!! we still gave them hell, but lost it!!! i could hardly stand on my feet during my serves>>i thought i was going to pass out i was SO exhausted from 14 hours straight crying/ sobbing/ howling!!! the days and months afterwards would see more *melt downs* but they were predicatable, and they were less and less frequent and less and less intense!! i could always tell when i had *one comming on*>>>the urge to *curl up in my bed and cleanse myself would come on* and there were times , i had to *make an appointment with myself* to cleanse later!!! and people WONDER, WHY i hated my perp so much>>>>> well?? now?? i DECIDED to replace the hate for that freak with love for me>>>>like pouring clean water in a bucket full of dirty/rancid water>>>>eventually the clean water takes over and replaces the bad!!!!
Recovery is a process. It is a gradual process, a healing
>process, and a spiritual process - a journey rather than a
>destination.
>
>
#####ROSIE>>>>yep, and i think i know why!!! this shit is SO intense, SO draining, SO demanding of my energy/ resources/ strength, that to do it TOO fast, may put me in shock!!! i thought about it>>>God is being merciful feeding me this *metamorphis* in increments>>>>to do anything faster, i know i would go into shock!! my nervous system would not be able to take it>>>>i remember seeing a beautiful tarantula spider lying on its back *molting*!! as it lay on its back, the intense/ demanding/ yet so precise process of nature, shedding its entire skin!! leaving an outter shell of itself>>a virtual layer / an old *likeness* of its real self>>>>after the process the spider lay there, exhausted, vulnerable, new skin so delicate a slight touch may kill it>>>>finally after a long rest, it *gingerly* got up, and using all this remaining strength it walked away>>>>> i felt very much like that spider did>>>>when i would come out of my *molting* stages, shedding off these old layers that the perp put on me, i would be so exhausted, there were times that soon as i got home from work, i would need to go to bed, and have maybe 12 hours of sleep to get through the next day>>>>>like the tarantula, my *molting* stages were frequent in the *youngest days of my recovery* >>>now as i get *older* i need to *molt* less and less, and i can *get up and walk away* a bit faster>>>>but make no mistate!!!! it was HELL!!!!! but productive and necessary!!
Just as codependency takes on a life of its own and is
>progressive, so recovery progresses. One thing leads to
>another and things - as well as us - get better.
>
>######ROSIE>>>>>i just put one foot in front of the other>>>>it took me a while to get this sick, this messed up, i must be patient with myself in that it is going to take a while to put me back together again>>>>>.the GOOD news is this!!! if the perp can mess me up with his *hit and miss* evil, just THINK of the GOOD my *Christ within* and i can do with my dedicated/concerted/diligent/ernest love and nurturing of me!!! i already won!!!! by comming here!!! by DECIDING to work the steps and doing the grunt work while my higher power does the rest>>>>i AM getting better each day
We can relax, do our part, and let the rest happen.
>------
>
#####ROSIE>>>>yep, do what i can do and i decide to just have *blind faith that God and the process are working-- whether or not i feel it-- its there---workiing!!*
Today, I will trust this process and this journey that I
>have undertaken.
>
######ROSIE>>>>>at first there was NO trust in my heart for ANYthing>>>>but my willingness my openess my willingness to take on a diferent perception of myself, God, Life has carried me through my *agnostic* period!!!! i was WILLING, i AM progressing!!!!! thank you, done...rosie