Well I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Haven't been online much at home due to home projects trying to get accomplished before winter arrives and all my monies will be spent on heating bills (ugh!!). In retrospect however, I think I should have put the priority into program and all of its aspects to gain some perspective.
Recently things seem to be exploding all around me. Many of which are out of my control, which I recognize. I know that I cannot change the situations - yet at times my insides go nuts trying to find solutions. Then there is the issue of getting involved into others issues. One of which in particular I am not sure if I needed to get involved with.
The situation is my oldest daughter left for college 2 weeks ago. The night before she left (Sat.) we took her out to dinner with my parents. My sister called my daughter during dinner and wanted to know what she was doing because she wanted to take her out somewhere. My daughter told her that she couldnt go out because we had my brother and his family coming to the house after dinner. My sister was very annoyed. I had had a family party 3days prior (Weds) to that which my brother and his family were unable to attend. My sister had also taken my daughter out the night before (Fri) we went out to dinner. My sister showed up at my house (uninvited) the night before my daughter left. She was snotty, angry, and as usual made several rude remarks as to why she wasnt invited to dinner. My husband spoke up and told her that it was his idea, that he wanted to spend the time with his step-daughter with whom because of his job not get to see often. My sister said thats your problem, I have a right to spend time with her - just because you cant doesnt mean you have to exclude the rest of the family. This was only the beginning of the issue. It came out that my sister was P.O. because during the family party we had I allowed my daughter to invite a few of her friends who were leaving the next day for their respective schools. Many of these friends have been to many family parties as they are considered part of the family. When I noticed my daughter was paying more attention to her friends than family I commented to her that she was neglecting the rest of her guests. For an hour on Sat. my sister sat steaming and purposely isolated herself from the group. My mother made a comment about 2 of my other children going to her house on Sun. to do some work that I needed them to do at her house, and my sister gave my mother an extremely dirty look. My mother quietly said would you hear me out before you get upset. My sister got all huffy and disrespectful, at which point my mother said to her "hear me out before you give me any of your sh*t", and my sister told my mother to F off. I then stood up and told my sister that she needed to knock it off and that she had no right to say things like that in my house to other people. Then she told me to F off. I told her she needed to leave. She laid into me with a pity story of how it is her niece and goddaughter, she loves her, and will miss her. I told her that that was all fine and well but she didnt have to be disrespectful. I asked her why she got so upset that my kids were going to my mothers the following day, she said because she had plans with them. I said to her that she didnt notify me of that fact, and that this has been an issue for to long. I cannot begin to count how many times she has made plans with my kids and never asked permission for it. Needless to say it turned into her screaming and yelling about everything under the sun and blaming me for everything wrong in the situation. I admit I did lose my temper briefly, but was able to see it for what it was and reigned in. I repeatedly asked her to leave, and after many insults and remarks she finally did. However, the damage had already been done. My children had to witness all of this. My daughters last night home was marred by this event. My brother and his family left without saying goodbyes to the rest of us. I tried to speak with my sister the following day, no anger & no animosity (sp?). She was supposed to take my 5 yr old for a sleepover, which all of my kids heard her say she was going to do. She renegged on it saying she never said it. So her behavior yet again affects my children. My son was devasted because he looked forward to the sleepover all week long. I ended up taking him out for a special night with just him and I - but it was not the same. And 2 weeks later he still is talking about it.
So here it is 2 weeks later. And after much evaluation of this situation and many others in the past I have come to the difficult decision not to be involved with my sister. I will be pleasant to her, but I will not have an extended relationship with her. She has hurt me over and over, always belittling me and disrespecting me. I have set boundries with regards to my children visiting with her. I will not keep them from her, she is their aunt. But I will not allow them to visit if she disrespect me or my husband to them.
The biggest thing I have to remember is that she grew up in an alcoholic home and that she has nor wants to have a program. She suffers from the affects of this disease and until she reaches a point in her life that she wants help, I cannot help her. I do however, have to look at my part in this particular situation. No, I didnt handle it perfectly, but I know I tried to use the tools I have available to me to handle it with some serenity.
marmare said
Sep 13, 2005
I have had to attend counseling this last year, court ordered. I was so angry when I started but now have learned so very much. One of the biggest things is that I can grant myself to have a boundary of emotional distance between me and certain family members. LOL Before I thought it just "wasn't right" but now know that sometimes it is just what we need. I can say, I prefer not, I don't want to, or just simply no.....I don't have to defend my decisions or make excuses. Hope this helps.
(((((Everyone)))))
Well I have not fallen off the face of the earth. Haven't been online much at home due to home projects trying to get accomplished before winter arrives and all my monies will be spent on heating bills (ugh!!). In retrospect however, I think I should have put the priority into program and all of its aspects to gain some perspective.
Recently things seem to be exploding all around me. Many of which are out of my control, which I recognize. I know that I cannot change the situations - yet at times my insides go nuts trying to find solutions. Then there is the issue of getting involved into others issues. One of which in particular I am not sure if I needed to get involved with.
The situation is my oldest daughter left for college 2 weeks ago. The night before she left (Sat.) we took her out to dinner with my parents. My sister called my daughter during dinner and wanted to know what she was doing because she wanted to take her out somewhere. My daughter told her that she couldnt go out because we had my brother and his family coming to the house after dinner. My sister was very annoyed. I had had a family party 3days prior (Weds) to that which my brother and his family were unable to attend. My sister had also taken my daughter out the night before (Fri) we went out to dinner. My sister showed up at my house (uninvited) the night before my daughter left. She was snotty, angry, and as usual made several rude remarks as to why she wasnt invited to dinner. My husband spoke up and told her that it was his idea, that he wanted to spend the time with his step-daughter with whom because of his job not get to see often. My sister said thats your problem, I have a right to spend time with her - just because you cant doesnt mean you have to exclude the rest of the family. This was only the beginning of the issue. It came out that my sister was P.O. because during the family party we had I allowed my daughter to invite a few of her friends who were leaving the next day for their respective schools. Many of these friends have been to many family parties as they are considered part of the family. When I noticed my daughter was paying more attention to her friends than family I commented to her that she was neglecting the rest of her guests. For an hour on Sat. my sister sat steaming and purposely isolated herself from the group. My mother made a comment about 2 of my other children going to her house on Sun. to do some work that I needed them to do at her house, and my sister gave my mother an extremely dirty look. My mother quietly said would you hear me out before you get upset. My sister got all huffy and disrespectful, at which point my mother said to her "hear me out before you give me any of your sh*t", and my sister told my mother to F off. I then stood up and told my sister that she needed to knock it off and that she had no right to say things like that in my house to other people. Then she told me to F off. I told her she needed to leave. She laid into me with a pity story of how it is her niece and goddaughter, she loves her, and will miss her. I told her that that was all fine and well but she didnt have to be disrespectful. I asked her why she got so upset that my kids were going to my mothers the following day, she said because she had plans with them. I said to her that she didnt notify me of that fact, and that this has been an issue for to long. I cannot begin to count how many times she has made plans with my kids and never asked permission for it. Needless to say it turned into her screaming and yelling about everything under the sun and blaming me for everything wrong in the situation. I admit I did lose my temper briefly, but was able to see it for what it was and reigned in. I repeatedly asked her to leave, and after many insults and remarks she finally did. However, the damage had already been done. My children had to witness all of this. My daughters last night home was marred by this event. My brother and his family left without saying goodbyes to the rest of us. I tried to speak with my sister the following day, no anger & no animosity (sp?). She was supposed to take my 5 yr old for a sleepover, which all of my kids heard her say she was going to do. She renegged on it saying she never said it. So her behavior yet again affects my children. My son was devasted because he looked forward to the sleepover all week long. I ended up taking him out for a special night with just him and I - but it was not the same. And 2 weeks later he still is talking about it.
So here it is 2 weeks later. And after much evaluation of this situation and many others in the past I have come to the difficult decision not to be involved with my sister. I will be pleasant to her, but I will not have an extended relationship with her. She has hurt me over and over, always belittling me and disrespecting me. I have set boundries with regards to my children visiting with her. I will not keep them from her, she is their aunt. But I will not allow them to visit if she disrespect me or my husband to them.
The biggest thing I have to remember is that she grew up in an alcoholic home and that she has nor wants to have a program. She suffers from the affects of this disease and until she reaches a point in her life that she wants help, I cannot help her. I do however, have to look at my part in this particular situation. No, I didnt handle it perfectly, but I know I tried to use the tools I have available to me to handle it with some serenity.
I have had to attend counseling this last year, court ordered. I was so angry when I started but now have learned so very much. One of the biggest things is that I can grant myself to have a boundary of emotional distance between me and certain family members. LOL Before I thought it just "wasn't right" but now know that sometimes it is just what we need. I can say, I prefer not, I don't want to, or just simply no.....I don't have to defend my decisions or make excuses. Hope this helps.
Hugs Mary