Here I sit it is 1am and my A was suppose to be home hours ago. NO phone call nothing. I am sure he is sitting somewhere with his friends drunk.. Just when I think I am making progress, this happens and I realize I am so LOST.. My heart is racing and I cant believe he is doing this AGAIN.. We are suppose to be working on our marriage, or what is left of it.. This isnt my idea of working on my marriage. It is so clear that we are destin for doom.. I thought I was preparing myself emotionally then this happens and I fall to pieces. I have turned him over to GOD but why do I want to SCREAM ?? My children are sleeping and have no idea that their Dad isnt home. Just me awake and going CRAZY.. Help me please.. I am drowning.. Tammy

Hi Tammy

 

It is time to WORK ON YOU.

Alcoholics not in recovery drink, that is what they do.

Step 1 says that WE are powerless over alcohol, and we are.

Your alcoholic is doing what alcoholics do, drinking.

You are doing what you have always done, worrying.

What can YOU be doing differently?
Nothing changes if nothing changes

 

In recovery

 

megan

Tammy~ I know the feeling. Even when I say I am not going to worry I will still worry. But it is true that you need to think about YOU. When he goes out do something different that YOU like and havent done in a long time ... crafts.. watch a tv show... rent a movie... go to a movie... go shopping .... or even CALL A FRIEND (even if it isn't your best friend!) Keep on trying to think about you! Hang in there! Remember to Let go and Let God! Your Friend~ Linda

Boy have I ever been where you are. The only way I found out of it was to not allow myself to get wound up and worrying. I would MAKE myself do something else, hopefully something useful and postive, rather than sitting and crying, looking out the window, waiting for his car. After all, when the longed for thing happened, and he drove up, was I happy? Oh, no, now it was time for the big fight. One thing that helped me a lot was doing some yoga every night before bed. The concentration necessary was good for getting me out of my own head. It also relaxed me enough that I could even get to sleep, whether he was there or not. This was good for several reasons. One, I got the sleep I needed. Two, if my husband came home and found me sleeping rather than sitting up waiting for him, he was much less likely to start something nasty. He didn't have to feel guilty and defensive about hurting me, and so therefore didn't get into the cycle of finding some way to blame it all on me, so he could feel better. Therefore, less likely to go out and do it again the next night, this time while mad at me. Better life for everybody. If you are going to stay with your A, you need to accept that he is going to drink. Your unhappiness will not make him stop, it will only make him feel guilty and miserable. A's do not deal with guilt the way we want them to, by stopping the behaviour that causes it. They deal with it by drinking. I spent many valuable years of my life trying to guilt my husband into staying home - I did all I could to be so perfect that he just couldn't resist me. You know what? He resisted me just fine, if there was a bar nearby. It wasn't about me, you see. It was about him and the alcohol. I could have spent those hours crying, looking out the window, raging in my head, or I could have spent them reading to my kids, getting a manicure, talking with friends on the phone, watching a good movie - you get the idea. It wasn't MY unhappiness that finally made him stop, it was HIS. In fact, once I stopped beating him over the head with my unhappiness, our lives got better. He still drank, but he was no longer abusive, no longer regarded me as his enemy.

Oh Tammy,

   I don't know that I can offer any help to you only another shoulder to cry on and to let you know you are not alone in this work.  I so relate to your share sounds very much like my life although most nights my a manages to roll in 2-2 1/2 hours after work is out.  Just in time to come in eat up what is left of supper and fall asleep in his chair.  I am so very frustrated.  I have started reading Codependent No more and if you have the book I recommend reading it again or getting it.  The first story from a women named Jessica brings me to tears it is almost my life through and through.  I am here for you anytime and hope that you can find some peace.  I am working on finding mine but it doesn't come fast enough for me.  I struggle to manage to even come here to the message board or to the meetings.  But what helps me commit is to find someone I can relate to. 

    Keep coming back you are worth it, I wish I could be more helpful but maybe together with all that are here we both can over come this.

Love Ya

Holly

Tammy I have been there. I went through that a month ago. My husband said he was going for bread and didn't come back for 12 hours. I was so upset. A couple of days ago he left for 2 hrs. When he left for two hours I tried harder not to get to worked up but of course it isn't that easy. I did get my nails done in hope of wasting time that he would show up. It really stinks when he disappers and I worry sick about him. There is going to come a point I hope that I don't worry about him being gone and drive my self nuts because that is what I do I drive my self nuts and then it makes me sick my mind races a mile a min.

((((((((((( Tammy )))))))))))))) a huge hug for you.  I know first hand how it feels to lay alone and wait for the phone call that never comes.  I ask myself the same questions you ask yourself.  I have found that the letting go is the hardest part, for with letting go and letting God then I must trust that God or the HP will do what is right for my A.  We have had a good 4 days, I so very much want it to continue, yet I dread Friday and his couple hours out with the boys.  I find that when I am very angry and hurt that quickly done housework allows me to use some of the frustration.  A funny movie on DVD also allows me to relax.  I still sometimes slip into the old behavior of calling his cell phone and leaving messages.  If I can relax, I almost chant "let go, let God" close my eyes, the Serenity prayer also helps.  I hope these are some good suggestions for you. 

Hugs Mary