Keep practicing your recovery behaviors, even when they feel awkward, even when they haven't quite taken yet, even if you don't get it yet.
######ROSIE>>>>well that is what i am doing...i made an *i love me* tape casette with loving words to me, i love me i accept me, et al and it felt REAL awkward....like i was almost *cringing* when i said it, the old self sabateur was having NONE of this stuff...but i keep doin it and guess what???? i don't cringe and i am beginning to BELIEVE IT>>>>>>
Sometimes it takes years for a recovery concept to move from our mind into our heart and soul. We need to work at recovery behaviors with the diligence, effort, and repeated practice we applied to codependent behaviors. We need to force ourselves to do things even when they don't feel natural. We need to tell ourselves we care about ourselves and can take care of ourselves even when we don't believe what we're saying.
######ROSIE>>>>>god i hope not, i am asking god to compress mine at my age.....but i think also, that the harder/ more dedicated to you you ARE, the faster the recovery......i put anywhere from 2 to 6 hours, per day on my recovery working the components of the program.......and talk about diligence and effort....i MUST love me, otherwise i wuld not be putting in this hard work......and i did have to use force...forcing myself to say *i love you* instead of *you #$$%$%$%$%* and i have learned that even if you don't *buy into it yet* you will...i have learned that my sub conscious mind has no sense of humour, no sense of anything but programming what it repetedly hears.....yes, i know in my *awake state* i have filters...someone can say to me *rose you are a jerk* well my mind filters are going to set up boundaries and say *ok, rosie that is BS---throw it away* and my mind WILL....however if i hear somethiign over and over and over again, my sub mind WILL process the *bs* or the truth, whatever it keeps hearing and that is what it will manafest in my life....i am seeing it in me already.....i eat better i sleep better i take good care of me...i honour and respect me the way i SHOULD....already i see BIG changes in my treatment of ME.......
It is unreasonable to expect this new way of life to sink in overnight. We may have to "act as if" for months, years, before recovery behaviors become ingrained and natural.
######ROSIE.>>>>>.i heard that if i really do my *tape thing* i can see estounding results in 30 days....well its 21 for me and i see already the great changes....i imagine if i do this all the time...... the *years* to me in this is keeping up with the program so the *old patterns* won't slip back in.....i do not believe it will take years for me to change my mind about me.......it will take years, and until i die to stay with the program......so i do NOT fall back into old patterns......the *years* part to me is the *maintenance* part.....i was horribly abused and this program in 19 months has done BIG changes for me....and this tape is amazing......i am healthy enough to live now, to love now, but in god's timing.....i no longer feel badly being by myself....i am loving me to the extent that i am OK by myself.....
Even after years, we may find ourselves, in times of stress or duress, reverting to old ways of thinking, feeling, and behaving.
######ROSIE>>>>>.to an extent, i think there ARE character defects that i won't completely overcome....i will ALWAYS hate with a passion child molesters...but i can manage the hate....i will never completely get over the anger/hate for my perp, but it no longer controls/ manages me i control/manage IT......i can feel the feelings, THAN when the timer is up, i move on, work my program, etc. i have NO dilusions that i am going to COMPLETELY be 100% after all i went through, but i will be OK. i will be happy and healthy, i am already finding this withIN me...
We may have layers of feelings we aren't ready to acknowledge until years into our recovery. That's okay! When it's time, we will.
#####ROSIE>>>>>well thank god, i rememberred *it all* and i was able to perhaps *thaw* a bit quicker...and also i had avenues by which i could discharge my anger anyway, and so maybe the road was a teeny bit faster for me AND i asked my hp to *lay it on me* i wanted to heal as *fast as i could handle it* lesson on asking for stuff....i nearly DROWNED in the emotions that followed.....oh sure, i may cry some more.....get pissed some more....but the diference IS.....it is productive as opposed to destructive *go no where* type of pain
Do not give up! It takes time to get self-love into the core of us. It takes repeated practice. Time and experience. Lessons, lessons, and more lessons.
######ROSIE>>>>>> oh yeah, i am wearing those tapes OUT!!!!! but i am WORTH it!!!! i am seeing what a resilient little buggar i was and am to be recovering at this pace...i know i have lots to go...but thank god i got lots DONE.....to me, the worst is over!!!!
Then, just when we think we've arrived, we find we have more to learn.
3#####ROSIE.>>>>.oh yeah, get arrogant, and life will smack me down in a hurry.....so i ask god HUMBLY just *keep me going forward*
That's the joy of recovery. We get to keep learning and growing all of our life!
######ROSIE>>>>>oh yeah, i QUIT thinking *i got it i got it* soon as i think that way???? * i get it i get it* and not in a pleasent way
Keep on taking care of yourself, no matter what. Keep on plugging away at recovery behaviors, one day at a time. Keep on loving yourself, even when it doesn't feel natural. Act as if for as long as necessary, even if that time period feels longer than necessary.
####ROSIE>>>>i do, like ants walking accross the desert!!! one foot in front of the other...deliberate....if i can't get through something, i go under/ over / past it.....and ODAT for sure...i don't even want to THINK beyond today.....ok, i cheat a little!!! i guess its cuz i know better days are comming......i am gonna *keep on keepin on*
One day, it will happen. You will wake up, and find that what you've been struggling with and working so hard at and forcing yourself to do, finally feels comfortable. It has hit our soul.
#####ROSIE>>>>>yeah, i am seeing some stuff already!!! and you know, when i do have that *wake up call* i am gonna fight to KEEP it.....i didn't work this hard to lay it down and not maintain it!!!
Then, you go on to learn something new and better.
######ROSIE>>>>> GOD I AM READY!!!!! i am ready for my good....i am ready for the divine plan for my life....what god MEANT for me to experience instead of all the pain that i had.............thank you DONE...... rosie
Today, I will plug away at my recovery behaviors, even if they don't feel natural. I will force myself to go through the motions even if that feels awkward. I will work at loving myself until I really do.