SEPTEMBER 11 >Conflict and Detachment >------ >In a relationship, there are those wonderful times when >things go smoothly for both people, and neither person >needs to focus too heavily on the concept of detachment. >But there are those challenging times when one person is >in crisis or changing and we need to detach. >
######ROSIE, well right now i don't have a sig other, probably because i am doing DEEP *love work* on me, but i do have close familial relationship and there are times that i do have to detach when they are *going through some stuff* and i can't help beyond listening and loving detachemnt >
Then there are stressful cycles when both people in a >relationship are in the midst of dealing with intense >issues. Both are needy and neither has anything to give. > #####ROSIE....oh this happened to my sister and me....my brother in law was having heart trouble and she was a wreck....i was having troubles with my daughter doing drugs and i was a wreck....we both had to just talk and try to comfort each other, but also i was DEEP into recovery and *bleeding out* and she wanted me to listen to her about john's tests...i tried, than finaly had to tell her *can i get back to you later, i gotta go cry* she understood. it was just one of those things where we were both hurting and had to yes, love each other, but we were each in our dens licking our wounds....
>These are times when detachment and taking care of >ourselves are difficult. > #####ROSIE....yes, that was hard for me to have to tell my sis that i was unavailable right this moment, but i assured her i would *get back to her* ASAP....i had to take care of me though, bottom line, i was hitting a *big one* and i had to take care of me
>It is helpful, in these moments, to identify the problem. >Both people are in the midst of dealing and healing. >Neither has much to give, at least at the moment. And >both are feeling particularly needy. > #####ROSIE.....yep, we were honest with each other and we got through it just fine......we were both needy and we both had to get *back ups* for our stroking until we could get back on track.......my sister and i are REAL close and it was hard, but both of us are loving/ understanding people adn we got through it ok, john is still ok, doing good for someone with half a heart, and you know stuff happends beyond my scope, i just do what i can--- give to god the rest
>
There may not be a perfect solution. Detachment is still >the key, but that can be difficult when we need support >ourselves. In fact, the other person may be asking for >support rather than offering it. > >######ROSIE....yep, my sister and i did this for a while, during that critical period for us......she needed me, i needed her, so we agreed to detach from each other for a bit, till we were *on our feet* total honesty and openess and NO fear of being vulnerable saved teh day...nobody felt rejected/ unloved during the crisis......
We can still work toward detachment. We can still work >through our feelings. We can accept this as a temporary >cycle in the relationship, and stop looking to the other >person for something he or she cannot give at the moment. > >######ROSIE.....that is what we did....openess about our feelings....realizing that this was a temporary downer that would pass......realizing that sometimes we have to have *back up* plans when in times of need
We can stop expecting ourselves to give at the moment as >well. > >#####ROSIE...i do what i can....don't do what i cannot do.....i am *true to me* and i can still be a good sister, good mom, good friend, etc, doing that,...in fact i am better now
Communication helps. Identifying the problem and talking >about it without blame or shame is a start. Figuring out >alternative support systems, or ways to get our needs met, >helps. > ######ROSIE.....yes, total honesty...no shame....no *being the tough guy* and yes, going to *back up plans* ....i learned NOT to put my emotional eggs in ONE basket....
>We are still responsible for taking care of ourselves - >even when we are in the best of relationships. We can >reasonably expect conflicts of need and the clashing of >issues to occur in the most loving, healthy relationships. > #####ROSIE...yep, when the fat lady sings, all i got is me and god , so i have to accept it and do what i gotta do
If it is a healthy relationship, the crisis will not go on >endlessly. We will regain our balance. The other person >will too. We can stop making ourselves so crazy by looking >for the other person to be balanced when he or she isn't. > #######ROSIE...oh yeah, for kay and me it was like a couple of days!! and we both had our perspectivs.....with my other family members and friends it is the same way....openess/ honesty/ caring about the other person when you have to say *not now, i am hurting* they understand...and it passes
>Talk things out. Work things out. Keep our expectations >of ourselves, other people, and our relationships healthy >and reasonable. > ######ROSIE.....yes, this is the key for me, NOW i have HEALTHY expectations fo my REAL relationships....
>A good relationship will be able to sustain and survive >low points. Sometimes we need them, so we can both grow >and learn separately. > >#####ROSIE....absolutely, and it does not have to be just a romantic relationship.....it can be family, friends, CLOSE is close, romantic is not the only CLOSE relationship there is.....
Sometimes, people who are usually there for us cannot be >there for us. We can find another way to take care of >ourselves. >------ #######ROSIE.....this i find out....but the key is *are they there MOST of the time for me*??? if not??? i reevaluate the relationship.....either get rid of it...or file it in the *undependables* file, low priority.......even my close ones have to let me down sometimes....that is ok, i have other avenues through which i can get my needs met
>Today, I will remember that my best relationships have low >points. If the low point is the norm, I may want to >consider the desirability of the relationship. If the low >point is a temporary cycle,
#######ROSIE...i had, in the beginning of recovery, what i had *thought* was a close relationship with a recovery *sister* adn it was NOT.....i was more UNhappy than happy, so i had to let it go...wish them well and leave!!!! whats the point???? life is too short to waste on *superficial* relationships......that does not mean i wish any ill will on them, i just see the *handwriting on the wall* and accepted it...did the right action by saying "god bless...see ya later*
Hope for Today - September 12
I can still hear my sponsor's voice as she suggested I feel my feelings. Trusting her, I obediently began to feel. Uncomfortable emotions surfaced. I thought I had come to Al-Anon to get rid of the pain, not to increase it.
######ROSIE for me it was *what feelings???* *what are they??* beyond anger and fear, i thought that was it!!! anger and fear...thats all i knew till i got into recovery.....it was hard making the DECISION to *thaw* much less feel the ice melting and practically drowing me as it cascaded from my head to my toes.....all that pain i had *frozen* in order to save my life and sanity.....when i began to *thaw* it felt like the ice age in reverse!!!!
As I kept coming back, I realized the message in my alcoholic home I had learned was, "Don't feel." Whenever I expressed anger, fear, or sadness, I was told I shouldn't feel that way. Consequently, I grew up with distrust not only of my feelings but also of my entire being.
######ROSIE.....well i COULDNT feel.....if i had allowed myself to *feel that* i would surely have died or gone hoplessly nuts....i had to shut down....i had to *go away* in order to stand it all......the evil was overwhelming!!! i numbed out....TOTALLY......i also grew up to distrust me and any feelings...i was afraid, honestly , that i would *lose it* and go totally crazy...crackers!!!! let loose *that*??? it was terrifying
If I shouldn't feel what I was feeling, then something was terribly wrong with me. To keep my emotions in check, I had learned to focus elsewhere -- school, overworking, promiscuity, and experimenting with alcohol. Nothing, however, worked as well as trying to control the uncontrollable -- alcoholism. I focused all of my attention and energy on the crisis at hand and lost myself in it.
########ROSIE....i was a zombie out of preservation!!! what used to bother me was i culd talk about the incest/abuse like it was the *bleeping weather* my whole life shattered and i got more emotional about who won the u.s.open tennis!! i used alcohol and drugs to keep my *demons in check*....i focused all MY attention and energy in my *escapisms* i had an *ism* personality ANYthign to avoid facing my pain......
Al-Anon helped me heal this insane self-denial by providing me with a safe place to get to know my emotional self. I saw others share their feelings at meetings, and slowly I started to reveal mine. No one criticized me or told me I shouldn't feel anything.
#####ROSIE....yes, when i went to my first meet, it was fac2fac and a sucky group, but i was *hooked* anyway on the program, i went on line and discovered other souls with the same kind of pain, same kind of fear, same kind of * this is my last resort* mentality......all of us like moths to the flame of the 12 steps, et al, in side i KNEW i had *come home*....i began to open up and when i did??? it was like a dam breaking!!! my pain was just *itching* to get out...and it almost swept me away at times in its eagerness to come out of the closet and into the open
Al-Anon also gave me concrete tools for dealing with these newly felt emotions. The slogans helped me respond appropriately at the moment particular feelings arose, and Steps Four through Six let me take a deeper look at them. Then I could decide which ones I wanted to keep, such as joy and serenity, and which ones I wanted to release, such as fear and resentment.
######ROSIE yep, new ways to *deal and heal* and new emotions??? wow...i remember the first time i cried...REALLY cried....14 hours STRAIGHT!!! when it was over, i felt like someone pulled the plug on me....i was so tired....so spent....i worked the program for all it was worth...i mean i gave it hell cause once i SAW that i could really heal, there was NO turning back for me....i *went for the gusto*.....worked the steps over and over and for the rest of my life i will visit them adn REvisit them.......step 4 was a *hay maker* for me the first time around....i alsmot gave UP...thought i was too scrwed up for this program for ANYthing to help me...but i kept on anyway...the other alternative was to die...and that was no longer an option....AND i was finding something strange!!! JOY -- HOPE -- like *maybe i can find some other purpose but suffering*
"We will begin to feel and will come to know the vastness of our emotions, but we will not be slaves to them." *From Survival to Recovery*, p 269
#####ROSIE....yep, i get less and less to show my feelings.....they are mine and they are real and i have the RIGHT to have them and to feel them......they no longer control me, i allow them, but i am in control of them....i manage them instead of them running me.......thank you, done rosie
>Conflict and Detachment
>------
>In a relationship, there are those wonderful times when
>things go smoothly for both people, and neither person
>needs to focus too heavily on the concept of detachment.
>But there are those challenging times when one person is
>in crisis or changing and we need to detach.
>
######ROSIE, well right now i don't have a sig other, probably because i am doing DEEP *love work* on me, but i do have close familial relationship and there are times that i do have to detach when they are *going through some stuff* and i can't help beyond listening and loving detachemnt
>
Then there are stressful cycles when both people in a
>relationship are in the midst of dealing with intense
>issues. Both are needy and neither has anything to give.
>
#####ROSIE....oh this happened to my sister and me....my brother in law was having heart trouble and she was a wreck....i was having troubles with my daughter doing drugs and i was a wreck....we both had to just talk and try to comfort each other, but also i was DEEP into recovery and *bleeding out* and she wanted me to listen to her about john's tests...i tried, than finaly had to tell her *can i get back to you later, i gotta go cry* she understood. it was just one of those things where we were both hurting and had to yes, love each other, but we were each in our dens licking our wounds....
>These are times when detachment and taking care of
>ourselves are difficult.
>
#####ROSIE....yes, that was hard for me to have to tell my sis that i was unavailable right this moment, but i assured her i would *get back to her* ASAP....i had to take care of me though, bottom line, i was hitting a *big one* and i had to take care of me
>It is helpful, in these moments, to identify the problem.
>Both people are in the midst of dealing and healing.
>Neither has much to give, at least at the moment. And
>both are feeling particularly needy.
>
#####ROSIE.....yep, we were honest with each other and we got through it just fine......we were both needy and we both had to get *back ups* for our stroking until we could get back on track.......my sister and i are REAL close and it was hard, but both of us are loving/ understanding people adn we got through it ok, john is still ok, doing good for someone with half a heart, and you know stuff happends beyond my scope, i just do what i can--- give to god the rest
>
There may not be a perfect solution. Detachment is still
>the key, but that can be difficult when we need support
>ourselves. In fact, the other person may be asking for
>support rather than offering it.
>
>######ROSIE....yep, my sister and i did this for a while, during that critical period for us......she needed me, i needed her, so we agreed to detach from each other for a bit, till we were *on our feet* total honesty and openess and NO fear of being vulnerable saved teh day...nobody felt rejected/ unloved during the crisis......
We can still work toward detachment. We can still work
>through our feelings. We can accept this as a temporary
>cycle in the relationship, and stop looking to the other
>person for something he or she cannot give at the moment.
>
>######ROSIE.....that is what we did....openess about our feelings....realizing that this was a temporary downer that would pass......realizing that sometimes we have to have *back up* plans when in times of need
We can stop expecting ourselves to give at the moment as
>well.
>
>#####ROSIE...i do what i can....don't do what i cannot do.....i am *true to me* and i can still be a good sister, good mom, good friend, etc, doing that,...in fact i am better now
Communication helps. Identifying the problem and talking
>about it without blame or shame is a start. Figuring out
>alternative support systems, or ways to get our needs met,
>helps.
>
######ROSIE.....yes, total honesty...no shame....no *being the tough guy* and yes, going to *back up plans* ....i learned NOT to put my emotional eggs in ONE basket....
>We are still responsible for taking care of ourselves -
>even when we are in the best of relationships. We can
>reasonably expect conflicts of need and the clashing of
>issues to occur in the most loving, healthy relationships.
>
#####ROSIE...yep, when the fat lady sings, all i got is me and god , so i have to accept it and do what i gotta do
If it is a healthy relationship, the crisis will not go on
>endlessly. We will regain our balance. The other person
>will too. We can stop making ourselves so crazy by looking
>for the other person to be balanced when he or she isn't.
>
#######ROSIE...oh yeah, for kay and me it was like a couple of days!! and we both had our perspectivs.....with my other family members and friends it is the same way....openess/ honesty/ caring about the other person when you have to say *not now, i am hurting* they understand...and it passes
>Talk things out. Work things out. Keep our expectations
>of ourselves, other people, and our relationships healthy
>and reasonable.
>
######ROSIE.....yes, this is the key for me, NOW i have HEALTHY expectations fo my REAL relationships....
>A good relationship will be able to sustain and survive
>low points. Sometimes we need them, so we can both grow
>and learn separately.
>
>#####ROSIE....absolutely, and it does not have to be just a romantic relationship.....it can be family, friends, CLOSE is close, romantic is not the only CLOSE relationship there is.....
Sometimes, people who are usually there for us cannot be
>there for us. We can find another way to take care of
>ourselves.
>------
#######ROSIE.....this i find out....but the key is *are they there MOST of the time for me*??? if not??? i reevaluate the relationship.....either get rid of it...or file it in the *undependables* file, low priority.......even my close ones have to let me down sometimes....that is ok, i have other avenues through which i can get my needs met
>Today, I will remember that my best relationships have low
>points. If the low point is the norm, I may want to
>consider the desirability of the relationship. If the low
>point is a temporary cycle,
#######ROSIE...i had, in the beginning of recovery, what i had *thought* was a close relationship with a recovery *sister* adn it was NOT.....i was more UNhappy than happy, so i had to let it go...wish them well and leave!!!! whats the point???? life is too short to waste on *superficial* relationships......that does not mean i wish any ill will on them, i just see the *handwriting on the wall* and accepted it...did the right action by saying "god bless...see ya later*
Hope for Today - September 12
I can still hear my sponsor's voice as she
suggested I feel my feelings. Trusting her, I
obediently began to feel. Uncomfortable emotions
surfaced. I thought I had come to Al-Anon to get
rid of the pain, not to increase it.
######ROSIE for me it was *what feelings???* *what are they??* beyond anger and fear, i thought that was it!!! anger and fear...thats all i knew till i got into recovery.....it was hard making the DECISION to *thaw* much less feel the ice melting and practically drowing me as it cascaded from my head to my toes.....all that pain i had *frozen* in order to save my life and sanity.....when i began to *thaw* it felt like the ice age in reverse!!!!
As I kept coming back, I realized the message in
my alcoholic home I had learned was, "Don't feel."
Whenever I expressed anger, fear, or sadness, I
was told I shouldn't feel that way. Consequently, I
grew up with distrust not only of my feelings but
also of my entire being.
######ROSIE.....well i COULDNT feel.....if i had allowed myself to *feel that* i would surely have died or gone hoplessly nuts....i had to shut down....i had to *go away* in order to stand it all......the evil was overwhelming!!! i numbed out....TOTALLY......i also grew up to distrust me and any feelings...i was afraid, honestly , that i would *lose it* and go totally crazy...crackers!!!! let loose *that*??? it was terrifying
If I shouldn't feel what I
was feeling, then something was terribly wrong with me.
To keep my emotions in check, I had learned to
focus elsewhere -- school, overworking, promiscuity,
and experimenting with alcohol. Nothing, however,
worked as well as trying to control the
uncontrollable -- alcoholism. I focused all of my
attention and energy on the crisis at hand and lost
myself in it.
########ROSIE....i was a zombie out of preservation!!! what used to bother me was i culd talk about the incest/abuse like it was the *bleeping weather* my whole life shattered and i got more emotional about who won the u.s.open tennis!! i used alcohol and drugs to keep my *demons in check*....i focused all MY attention and energy in my *escapisms* i had an *ism* personality ANYthign to avoid facing my pain......
Al-Anon helped me heal this insane self-denial by
providing me with a safe place to get to know my
emotional self. I saw others share their feelings at
meetings, and slowly I started to reveal mine. No
one criticized me or told me I shouldn't feel
anything.
#####ROSIE....yes, when i went to my first meet, it was fac2fac and a sucky group, but i was *hooked* anyway on the program, i went on line and discovered other souls with the same kind of pain, same kind of fear, same kind of * this is my last resort* mentality......all of us like moths to the flame of the 12 steps, et al, in side i KNEW i had *come home*....i began to open up and when i did??? it was like a dam breaking!!! my pain was just *itching* to get out...and it almost swept me away at times in its eagerness to come out of the closet and into the open
Al-Anon also gave me concrete tools for
dealing with these newly felt emotions. The slogans
helped me respond appropriately at the moment
particular feelings arose, and Steps Four through
Six let me take a deeper look at them. Then I could
decide which ones I wanted to keep, such as joy and
serenity, and which ones I wanted to release, such
as fear and resentment.
######ROSIE yep, new ways to *deal and heal* and new emotions??? wow...i remember the first time i cried...REALLY cried....14 hours STRAIGHT!!! when it was over, i felt like someone pulled the plug on me....i was so tired....so spent....i worked the program for all it was worth...i mean i gave it hell cause once i SAW that i could really heal, there was NO turning back for me....i *went for the gusto*.....worked the steps over and over and for the rest of my life i will visit them adn REvisit them.......step 4 was a *hay maker* for me the first time around....i alsmot gave UP...thought i was too scrwed up for this program for ANYthing to help me...but i kept on anyway...the other alternative was to die...and that was no longer an option....AND i was finding something strange!!! JOY -- HOPE -- like *maybe i can find some other purpose but suffering*
"We will begin to feel and will come to know the
vastness of our emotions, but we will not be
slaves to them."
*From Survival to Recovery*, p 269
#####ROSIE....yep, i get less and less to show my feelings.....they are mine and they are real and i have the RIGHT to have them and to feel them......they no longer control me, i allow them, but i am in control of them....i manage them instead of them running me.......thank you, done rosie