hi, i'm new. i'm from england as the name suggests. i was just wondering if anyone is in a similar situation to me and could offer any advice. my dad has been drinking heavily for a few years now. he refuses to seek professional help as says he can deal with it on his own; he can't. almost a year has past since we first spoke about it and he's still sneaking alcohol about with him. it's awkward to talk to him- my grandmother is ill and he's really stressed with work and i don't want to pressure him any more. his drinking is really affecting me. i'm so scared that he'll end up drinking himself to death, i feel sick thinking about it. my doctor suggested going to an al-anon meeting to help me, but how can i help him get the help he needs? any thoughts would be appreciated, thanks.

Welcome Englishgirl! How I love that country! I'm a closet anglophile! You're doctor is right about seeking help for yourself. You'll be no good to Dad if you're not well. I'm still new at this too. But I know for my A, you can't make him go to rehab. Only he can do it. Who really knows why an A finally decides to go for help? Maybe it is an HP getting him scared enough that something clicks and he realizes that he needs help. Whatever happens, please, please keep in mind that none of this is your fault. You may feel totatlly helpless and that's natural. It's scary to face the prospect of losing a parent from whatever disease. I lost my Mom to brain tumor when I was only 19. That wasn't my fault, and it's not my fault that my A may relapse again. Just like I didn't cause my Mom's brain tumor or my Dad's stroke. I didn't cause my A's alcoholism. There are far more experienced people on this site who can give you more insight than I can. They have been unbelievably helpful to me this past week. Keep coming back to us. We'll keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers. Live strong, Karilynn

Many of us first come to alanon to find out how we can help the alcoholic in our lives. What we find is that there is little we can do for them, but lots we can do for ourselves. If your dad had some other bad disease, like Alzheimer's, you would know that there is not much you could do for him other than to love him, and try to protect yourself from the affects of his disease. Same with alcoholism - you can't make him better, and you can't make him seek treatment. You can learn, though, that it is OK to love him even though he sometimes behaves hurtfully, and that it is OK to do what you must to keep yourself safe and happy. There are links on this site to face to face alanon meetings, I know that there are some in England. You can also get some of our literature - it can be bought from here, or from ebay or amazon, or from face to face meetings. You can even borrow it from the library, and there is a lot free to read online. If you read old threads on this site, you will get some idea of what our program is about. There are also online meetings here, and real time chat. You are in the right place, welcome.

Welcome Englishgirl, and you can only help yourself right now.... Your father's drinking has affected you, more than you realize, and you need Al-Anon, and places like this board, for your own health and sanity....

As for your Dad, it sounds scary, but alcoholics pretty much have to find sobriety on their own...  He will either drink, or he won't.... period.  I use the "weather analogy" to remind me of how much influence I have over another one's drinking behavior - I have about an equal amount of influence of what the weather is going to be tomorrow!!

I would encourage you to read all you can on this horrible disease. One life-saving book for me, was entitled "Getting Them Sober", by Toby Rice Drews (don't let the title fool ya).

I wish you peace and health.

Tom

hey, thanks for your posts. it makes a lot of sense saying that it's a disease and there's nothing you can do. it's just so difficult to stand back and watch it happen and i think that's what i need to come to terms with. i sometimes feel like it's only me trying to help him- my mum keeps making excuses for him and his drinking- "he's stressed/tired...". i think i also need to sort out my anger. sometimes i feel totally the reverse and think 'how dare he do this to me, he's the parent here, not me'. it's almost as if the emotions of an al-anon are as complex as the A themself! thanks again for your help.

Dear Englishgirl, Glad you've checked back with us. Sounds like your Mom is denial sweetie. The truth is hard and scary. She'll come to it when she's ready. Same way with my sister and her husband. That's the HP at work. May be at this point they can't (or so they seem to think) handle what lies ahead. Don't fool yourself about your Mom. She knows what's really going on, deep down inside of her. She's just not ready. Yes, the emotions are complex as an alcoholic. I remember attending a class last year when my A first went into rehab. We had this brilliant man who works with the families. They always remind us that many times the co-dependents can be sicker than the A. The good thing is that there are places like this you can turn to. Anger is part of it. I still find that I can get angry, resentful and frustrated at times. Like I did when my Mom died. How dare she die on me! Sound familiar? She didn't do it to me. She was only 50. The brain tumor did. You're Dad didn't chose to do this to you. It's not like he got up one day and decided to start drinking to piss you off. His disease is making you angry and frustrated. It's hard to watch someone you love go through this isn't it? I'd be angry too. But it's the disease you need to be angry at, not him. Does that make sense? You might want to go online and read the Big Blue Book. It's helped me get a perspective on the alcoholic and what it does to them. Keep coming back to us. This is a safe place. Live strong, Karilynn