Hello roomies.....

Ironically enough last night as I started posting about a totally different subjectmy A called to say that he f**** up and got high the night before. I could hear in his voice that he was still drunk and he admitted to it.  He was crying (of course) and saying he needed a friend.  He had no one, etc....he can't do this alone, if we weren't apart this wouldn't have happened (yeah, ok...).  Now, I ask of all of you, what kid of friend was he exactly looking for.  I made suggestions, if you want help..call your sponsor. He very clearly did not want help and was trying t get in touch with his uncle to pick him up.  He could not drive (still the insurance is in my name as we have been awaiting the title in the mail) and wanted a ride.  I offered to pick him up (I shouldn't have) to whcih he kept insisting that he did not want me"involved and to get hurt any further by this".  Yeah, OK then why call me?  At any rate, Iwanted the directions so that I could rest easy knowing the car was safe and secure and I did not have to worry all night that I would get a knochk on my door. He had not been able to get in touchwith his uncle to get him and was consdiering driving.  I went to the apartment merely to get the keys. He refused to give them to me, and told me to take the plates but I wasn't getting his car.   I did not know which apartment it was, and I called him asking where he was. He was very mean stating that it was his brother's apartment and he would not want me in it. Immediately I felt that there was someone there...maybe a woman.  I know I shouldn't care and let go and let God, but this kicked me back a few steps.  I insisted, he got nastier. Finally he told me that his friend Christian (who had been sober for a year) was in there.  I  went up and saw that there wasn't anyone there besides the two of them and i insisted on the keys again no keys.  Again he told me to take the paltes.  After quite a scene, I said you know what.  I am taking the plates.  So I went in the parking lot and removed them along with the registration.  I am not losing everything so that he can get high.  Apparently, this morning he woke up to a phone call from his brother stating that the car couln't stay in the complex without the plates and they were going to tow it. (the law is they have to get 5 days to cure, I know this I working in housing) and he called screaming apparently not realizing that I WOULD actually do it and that he didn't even remember telling me to do it. Today was argument after argument that I shouldn't have allowed. He threatened to call my job and tell them I've done drugs in the past, my father etc....threatened to turn of the electric and cable which is in his name...told me I was a venegeful bitch... It was like being thrown back three years to when he was REALLY bad. Told me he NEVER wants to see me again. It hurt. His daughter's mother called looking for his uncle's number and of course, mistakenly I told her what happened. Now she has stopped his visitation until he gets his act together. I'm just so upset. I wish I just would have hung up the phone and let it go. I did need to make sure I proected myself by taking the car, but other than that I should have let go and let God. I let my anger get the best of me to some degree. Please say a prayer. And by the way, I didn't get my hair done as a result.

oh Kim -- you made me laugh! Isn't it always like that when we get goaded into the drama, and then it ends up hurting us? To top it off, there's always some frosting on the cake, like you couldn't get your hair done. insult to injury.

here's hoping we can avoid engaging in the drama next time.    Jill

First of all: YOU GO GET YOUR HAIR DONE! Second: I don't think that you're losing ground. You're learning from the experience. It sounds like you no longer want to live this kind of life. You just have to decide what you want to next. Third: You have to protect your assests. If you're the bill payer in the family and you're not married, then put the bills in your names. Don't let him take advantage of you. There's a difference between being supportive and helpful and used. Take care of you. I got my bill from the cable one day, and found that there were all these pay-for-view movies on them. They were all porn! It was when he relapsed. I called the cable company and asked them what happened. I explained to them that I did not authorize this. They were kind enough to remove them from my bill, partially because the company was suppose to ask for a PIN number. When I ordered a movie, it never did. So we changed the PIN number, and that way he can't order anything without asking me. I don't mind the fact that he ordered one, just ask me. I'm on a budget. Point is: your A doesn't have to leave you in financial ruin as well as emotional. You know this. It probably wouldn't hurt to contact some one in legal aide and see what you can do protect yourself. Good luck to you. Live strong, Karilynn

Well, I went and got a manicure/pedicure and wax this morning while he was screaming at me calling me a vengeful bitch and all.  Complaining about how he doesn't understand why I'm punishing him and how now he doesn't have a car.  After all he called me b/c he needed a friend. YAWN. I have pretty toes and hands again and I no longer look like Martin Scorcese.  So even though I now have to wait to get my hair done until Monday, it's OK.  I'm not quite Cruella DeVille yet, so I'm OK and can wait. As far as protecting my assests, I am married, but the house is mine (it was my mother's and she left it to me before I was married), the bank accounts he's never had access to ( I learned the hard way when he took 800.00 out to cover gambling debts) but he has been responsible for all the house bills and I pay the mortgage and taxes. I have a good career, make a decent living and I put an apartment in the house last year in an effort to be able to support myself if this happened.  He did give me a check for $250 to cover the insurance until we made the switch and $180 to cover the cell phone bill (which is also in my name)  I went directly to the bank today to deposit and will have to wait to see if it clears or is a BIG RUBBER BOUNCING check.  The car is technically mine (it's still in my name) , I paid for half of it, I don't care he can have it and live in it for all I care, just get the insurance out of my name (which I will be doing promptly Monday morning)  I was being patient with him but after this last episode I can't take anymore chances. If he simply would have given me the keys last night it would have been fine and I would have waited until Monday to do anything and not left the hunk of junk sitting in a parking lot with no plates. Oh well.  Although he has been out of here for a month (since he last episode) a lot of his things are still here.  I know he did that b/c he felt like there was a chance we would get back together.  And there was. Had he done the right thing.  The separation was a chance for him to get his life together without me.  I couldn't be his keeper anymore.  And now it is what it is.  He'll be back.  I know it.  It's sad.  He just doesn't get it. All I hear from his side (his aunt, mostly) is how much he loves me and wants this to work out.  OK. Get sober. Then maybe. Until then. I'm done. I just can't deal with the drama anymore. I want peace. I wish he would have never called me. Why did he do that? Can anyone answer that? Why not hide it. Tell me the next day. Why involve me?

Ah, but if he hadn't involved you, none of this would have happened, and he wouldn't have the 'big bitch' to blame it all on. Anything, anything, to keep from having to face the truth. Stuck to your guns, you're doing great. Say what you mean, mean what you say, don't say it mean.