I have fallen off the Alanon wagon because things were going good here with my "A", 7 months without a problem, 7 months without a binge, 7 months without a hurtful argument about his drinking to excess and my inability to cope with it.  Tonight it happened.  It's 4 am, I have to work in 2 hours, I have 2 hours of sleep in me. (I feel gypped and cheated) now he missed the driveway pulling in leaving ruts in the front lawn, took off all his clothes in the kitchen and after a stupid question I asked..." Where have you been?" a 10 minute argument about him kicking me out because I'm worthless and it's none of my business where he is (I know better then to talk to or reason with a drunk they don't know what they are saying or doing)  he passed out in our bed and pee'd all overhimself.  Nice huh?  Needless to say he has to wake up in 3 hours to take his 8 year old son to a football game, I hope his son doesn't suffer from his hangover.  Anyhow, I need Alanon.  I need to find myself again, I've gotten lost along the way, hoping things will never go back the way they were and knowing that they would.  I need to stay strong because my "A" and I have conceived a child, I had my sonogram today which he went to and we discovered that I am having a little girl, I am 5 months pregnant.  I'm partially upset too, because we planned on going out to dinner with my family tonight to break the news and he wouldn't go with, one of his partners at work was having his Stag tonight, and he couldn't miss it. (Priorities???  Not me and the baby)There are lots of other issues too, and I've given him chance after chance and I'm running out of steam.  I love the man, but I love myelf more!  He is divorced has 2 children(11 and 8 yrs old)from his first wife.  He cheated on me 18 months ago with a different woman, has a 12 month old son whom he never see's because the mom won't let him.(He was drunk the night they got together...he doesn't remember the affair)  He's also a liar (???Alcohol????)  He was arrested at a concert downtown because of fighting due to drinking, he's been in work -ordered alcohol counseling (he's a cop)  He's paying $1200 a month in child support.  I am stressed out and I am just wondering if it's all worth it?  I'm only 29, this is my first child, we are not married.  I just want to hear from people who have been there.  How many 2nd chances does one deserve?  How much longer am I going to be able to give before I am totally used up?  Thanks all for listening and God Bless you for your time and concerns.

Hi Weez,

Sorry to hear about your A's relapse.  Pregnancy is often a stressful time even when you aren't living with an alcoholic.  The stress hormones your body produces are circulated through your unborn baby's body, not just your own. That is something to consider when deciding what you can live with and what you can't.  Relapse happens for many recovering alcoholics, and it actually begins before they pick up the drink.  It often starts with "stinking thinking." 

AlAnon is for you, the 12 steps are tools to change YOUR life and thinking.  You definitely need support, now and after your baby is born.  Only you can decide what is best for you.  In Alanon we are not supposed to give advice, but do share our experience, strength, and hope.  I have heard many sad tales at meetings from women who decided to stay with alcoholics who relapsed repeatedly or were never even in a recovery/treatment program.  Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it gets worse over time.  It negatively affects everyone living with the alcoholic.  In my own family, my mother opted to stay with a practicing alcoholic, and I can tell you it absolutely damaged her and all of us kids in the family.  She made her choice, but we kids had no choice, we were stuck with her choice.  Until I got into recovery I was more angry with her than my dad.  His bad behavior and abuse of us happened when he was drinking.  She made her choices, and her frustration resulted in emotional/physical abuse of us, and she did it sober.  The alcoholism affected her behavior greatly.  Through recovery, I have learned to let go of the anger after many years of carrying it with me everywhere I went. 

You are not legally tied to this guy, and I encourage you also to get some counseling for yourself before you decide whether to stay with him.  I know there are some Alanons who's A got recovery/treatment and stayed sober for long periods of time.  If they actively work recovery programs things may be OK eventually, but none of us gets a guarantee.  Our job is to be responsible for ourselves (and our children who cannot protect themselves.)  We have NO ability to control the A, and if we think otherwise, we are kidding ourselves.

If there is a possibility of physical abuse by your partner, make sure you have an escape plan, and a safe place to go to.  Do not EVER tolerate physical abuse, it too will only get worse over time.  Much domestic violence begins and escalates during pregnancy.  Your whole future is ahead of you, so choose carefully.

Love and prayers,

RN52

Weez,

I'm so sorry your A relapsed too.

I have no advice--encouragement to stick with alanon and hopefully the answers will come.

I am in a tough situation too.  My A progressed to constant binge drinking in a very short period of time.

I filed divorce and truly want to be apart but he keeps showing up at our house when he decides to pursue "recovery."  He's here right now after being away for 2 weeks.  I want him to leave and he says he has nowhere to go.

I have a 3 1/5 yr old and 21 month old.  I've only been dealing with the severity of this disease for 6 months and I don't want to deal with it a moment longer.  I've witnessed that it does get worse every time and it can progress very quickly.

You will stay in my prayers.

mom to 2

My A cheated on me when I was 3 months pregnant.  I was devastated. I told him that if he ever took a sip of alcohol again, our marriage was over and he would only see our daughter at supervised visits.  I am serious. It will be a year next week, that he has been sober.  But honestly, I don't want my daughter to grow up with a father her drinks. I will not put her through that.  Maybe you should spend some time apart, so it can sink in for him that you are not there to be verbally abused and have to put up with his alcohol abuse. (((((hugs))))

Jill

I am so sorry for your pain.. I am married to an alcoholic who has been an alcoholic the entire marriage. I just learned to deal with it.. Well, not really.. I just learned to cope, well not really .. I just learned to exist. I have 2 children who are now teenagers and believe me living with an alcholic isnt easy for them either. I wish i had found ALanon much earlier in my marriage.. I am not sure if I would be here 19 years later. I feel so bad for the pain that my husband has put my children thru... I feel guilty that my choice to stay with my husband has impacted my kids. They both have self esteem issues and my son WONT talk to my husband drunk or sober.. Living on this rollercoaster of alcholoism is hard for everyone .. My advise, take it our leave it is.... Do something for you.... Having a child is wonderful but how do you think she will feel when she is 5 and wondering why daddy is acting that way ?? Take it from me it is hard ... WE all know that.. Know that you are not alone .. We are all here, dealing with the same disease some may have stories alittle different but some you cry are so similar.. I have learned so many things coming to alanon.. NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES, that is my favorite.. Good luck, do something for you... tammy