I have so much trouble understanding HP. Sometimes i feel like things happen in punishement for the bad things i think or say or do. I have an anger problem but i am not violent. I dont understand why things that are happening, are happening know what i mean? This year has been, i guess hell, and so very fast ,come and gone with all that happened and im already here. I finished a job search course in Janauary, I set up some interviews and went on some and in february i got a job was waiting for them to call and then my mother got diagnosed with cancer so i had to turn it down. I was so very excited that i could finally start living with things i needed. But hp had other plans. Every time i look back to february and when my mother was dianosed and the trips by ambualance to the hospital and her radiation treatments and her leg operation where she broke her knee from the cancer, where i visited her every day when she was first in which felt like a really long time, then when she was told was going to be in palative care and she wanted to die at home i took care of her everyday at night if she needed something she called me i went down ( i live in same building) giving her the needles she needed for the first time which was the toughest i find. Giving her cigarettes behind my dad and sis back because i knew she was dying and because she wanted it. Our little chats while we were sneaking those cigarettes. Back and forth to the hospital for her kidneys. It blows my mind that all happened in two months. Diagnosed February 15th with kidney cancer where we thought was only her hip, died april 17th, i cant get over just two months felt like a year or more it truly did. Also the bad things too, but you get the point. Then after service i had my family on my back because they were mad or shocked or something i took care of my mom at home when my aunt couldnt do it for hers. So had a fight with them and my sister and my father and that leaves me with just me. I had a friend who was always there but on her terms as long as i agreed to her thoughts :) i realize this now. Who i broke friendship with because she hurt me like no one has i trusted her, i thought she was a amazing friend. But i dont forgive easy when someone hurts me and i cant see me again. And now, i am left with me truly just me. My exes family is hurting my children and my ex cant stand up to his parents he never could thats why we are divorced i wont explain it all many of you know the situation ive shared it many many times. Short story tho ex father in law is an alcoholic, me and ex made agreement to never have him babysit it was broke ,and mother in law told my daughter she didnt love her anymore because I stopped visitation on wednesday to lesson the time with them. And gave the other daughter 10$ for not agreeing. That and other little things all summer long where my children have had massive night mares wett the bed when they come back from his house. Ask me all kinds of questions that they are to young to know about I gave them a cross to protect them from nightmares to put in thier pillow case it worked a bit but they are still dreaming a little. That was enough for me to take action. I find myself back to where i was years ago i feel like a 8 year old kid lately i really do. Seems my worst night mares are coming true this year some sort of a lesson i do not know, god i sure hope not a bad one or not one of those learn the hard way ones.  This may sound morbid but i always used to pray that my mother not go first and i had this fairy tale dream that it would be my mom and my kids like it was with my grandmother, me my mom and my grandmother, and because my dad is not all there he is like a little child cant for the life of him make any kind of decision without permission and well it used to scare me the thought of me left alone without my mom and here it is.  I had issues with youth protection when i was younger i wont tell all the sotry have before but basically they were supposed to take me out of my home when i was 14 and put me in independant living and it didnt happen i fell through the system and they called me 4 years later. Anyway nothing ended up happening there, but councelors and therapists and doctors and shrinks terrify me truly do cause cant trust them they lie they lied to me when i was a kid told me if i told them about my life they woudlnt tell they woudlnt be allowed to tell. ya right! And here i am with this again where they will enter my life again socialworkers and more, but not for me but im still scared, i second guess myself and i can really panic when i think about it am i actually doing the right thing here by trying to protect my children from the emotional abuse????? or am i nuts to think that they are going to help me when theres far more other inchildren in need ???? (doctor said that could happen) am i over my head am i over reacting should i let my kids just be and wait till they are teens to try to un confuse them? i remember feeling so confused when i was 8 and you take it with you. To me it seems like adults even professionals just put young kids issues under the talbe, like its not there because they are to young cant believe we are doing that to our kids. We Are hello????? ya know what i mean? I so want my children to be ok in thier teens want them to be "normal" as much as they can be as much as i can give,but my little babies have been through so much in the little 7 years they have been born my depression, divorce, death of thier favorite grandmother, and now thier emotional abuse of exes.  maybe its a dream to think i can actually do that. I am not sure anymore i feel lost and maybe im way over my head here and shouldnt of touched nothing? But its to late to turn back now have to see it through already got the ball rolling last week and way more today. I know its long sorry just venting

 

kerry

-- Edited by kerry5 at 15:14, 2005-09-08

(((((((((((((((((kerry))))))))))))))) my sweetiest smore gal! Do u need cpr after that share hunnie think u need a breath. I wish I was there to hug u in person your babies are so lucky to have a mom who adores them so much hang in there Hp will be there I know in your heart you know that all my love and prayers to u and the girls and never be sorry for sharing or venting it is who u are and who we have come to know and love and what makes you you  be gentle with u hun love ya always cloud

Kerry,

I have to say your kids are lucky to have a mom who cares so much.  I can tell by the  way you write you love them with all your heart.  Some kids could only wish for that kind of love.  Take it slow.  I think if you trust your self and your HP things will get better.  Their is always hope.  take time for your self to get your head clear.  And vent all you want it helps.

I'll be thinking of you keep us posted.

NIKKILOU

(((((((((((((((((((((((Kerry))))))))))))))))))))))) though you could use a hug.

(((kerry))) I recall when you were caring for your Mom, how hard it was for you. There were times when we talked that you weren't sure how you were going to do it, mentally and physically. But...You did it and you did it well. You pulled strength that you didn't know you had to do what was needed. As far as what happened to you as a teenager....you are forwarned and can be on gaurd. So now, you have your gaurd up and you have inner strenght.....There's no doubt in my mind that you can do what needs to be done. I just wish you knew it :) Love, Christy

kerry, i can SO relate to your share.....when the S$%$ hits the fan,  it seems to escalate!!!  like *when it rains it pours*  i used to think  *hp is out to get me/  or maybe i am test case to see 'how much can she take' *

well i dont' think that anymore.....i had to get pruned down to the barest nubs to drag me into recovery, here,  i was literally on my way to my *next* suicide attempt when i ended up in recovery.....i am not saying life is a *whole lot* better,   but my attitude is!!!  i am still alone....still live paycheck to paycheck....1 good disaster and i am down for the count!!!!  but you know i just go  *one day at a time*   do what i can do TODAY to take care of me/ be blessing to the universe,  and not worry about tomorow, and damned if things aren't getting better,  like  i released the *karma*   and now the universe can *work on it*   i still get attacked by my  toxic brother,  i had some pretty bad crap happen in 2004- 2005  but i know its getting better,  (odd as that seems)  it  is......grief cycles over my losses...people wanting to stomp on my recovery....people screwing me over.....but i just  *let go  and let god*  and just keep  *releasing the energy*  and it IS easing up......i  take care of me first....i take care of what i gotta do....i keep it all basic and simple.....i go to the meets.....call my sponser.....i ask for help when i need it...........i didn't mean to get so long winded...i feel for ya, i really do and i wish my parents had cared for me like you care for your kids......it WILL pass!!!   nothing lasts forever.....that is why i enjoy the *ups* while i got em....ride out the *downs*  while i got em cause none of it lasts forever........i am prayin for ya...rosie

(((kerry))))) I thought of this quote after reading your share. "It's hard to stop acting as I have in the past. But with alanon's support, I can be the one to break the pattern. I can choose to do what I think is right----for me." Take care, gardengal