Here is my story. My husband is an alcoholic, and so is his mother and his grandfather (who is deceased). Anyhow, we married in 2002 and alcohol never seemed to be a problem for my husband. We were 30 when we got married, and went out occasionally and got drunk, but nothing out of the ordinary, and certainly not often. I got pregnant in August of 2003. We were both estatic about the pregnancy. In January of 2004, my beloved dog had to be put to sleep. He had cancer everywhere. My A was devastated and didn't agree with my decision to put the dog down (it was my dog that I had since college). On top of the cancer which was in his spleen, liver, intestines, etc. he had pancreatitis. He had several blood transfusions, etc. We really did everything we could to save him, but he wasn't improving at all. Two days after we put our dog down, we had the big ultrasound, where they tell you the sex. We were so sad about the dog, that we really looked forward to seeing the baby on the ultrasound. Well, we got devastating news that the baby had a rare disease (which I don't want to go into the details) and the doctors recommended that we terminate the pregnancy. We were devastated. We went for a second opinion, went to specialists, etc. all of whom recommended that we terminate the pregnancy. I cannot put into words how awful I feel and how heartbreaking this was. My A did not agree with the termination (although he didn't tell me that until after. We are Catholic, so this goes against our beliefs. In March of 2004, my A got a new job as an investment banker. He began working crazy hours and going out late night with the guys. This bothered me a lot because he would come home drunk. He would go out once or twice a week. Work through the night on the other nights and then sleep it off all weekend (if he didn't have to go to work). I started grief counseling immediately after the termination, my husband went with me a few times, but stopped once he started his new job. We managed to get pregnant again in June I was scared that the same thing was going to happen, my A was just emotionally not there. Then, one night my husband didn't come home. I couldn't reach him at work, etc. He showed up at 9am. I almost called the police. He fed me a lie that he was in the copy center all night trying to get a memo out. He didn't smell like alcohol when he came home, so I believed him. I called in sick to work that day because I had been up all night worrying and I was 3 months pregnant and needed to rest. Also, the doctors specifically told me that I should try to stay as STRESS free as possible. Well, about a week later, he came home completely hammered again. This going out and getting drunk was happening consistently since March, but seemed to be getting much much worse. He denied that he came home drunk, but I knew he was. He was in control of all the finances, he paid all the bills etc and gave me an "allowance". So I never saw the credit card. Also, we never seemed to have any money, even though both of us make alot of $$. It never made sense. I decided to check our CC online (something I never did before). I found out that he had been spending up to $5000, yes thousand, at a strip club. In total, I added everything up and it was close to $20,000. That doesn't count all the money he spent at bars either. I was shocked. I never knew my husband to frequent a place like that, much less spend that kind of money. He told me he never cheated on me with any of the strippers, but he would go into the champagne room and order bottles of champagne. In all my life, the only time I ever saw my husband drink champagne was at our wedding. I closed all of our joint accounts, cancelled the credit card, paid off all the bills etc. But there was one charge on the cc that was at a hotel. He told me he was drinking at the hotel bar, but there were two charges there, one that looked like a room rate. I made him get in a taxi with me and go to the hotel. Halfway there, he makes me pull over and told me that he met a girl and he got a hotel room but she never showed up because she was hanging out with her friends. all they did was kiss. Well, of course I don't believe that. My husband started AA the next day, and has not had a sip of alcohol since. It will be a year on Sept. 17th. I felt like I needed to stay with him because I was pregnant. I did love him, and still do. Although, I love him differently . And I will never trust him. I went to therapy again after all of this happened, until I had my daughter. I am finding it very hard to even function right now, because September has so many bad memories for me. And I am so resentful against my husband. Resentful that he broke our marriage vows, that he lied, that he treated me like crap, that he cheated. I have never been to an Alanon meeting because I was afraid that other peoples stories would make me more depressed. My two best friends hate my husband and think that I should leave him, so I really can't talk to them about this. My husband really has made a turn around, but I just don't trust him. I love him, but I will never love him the way I used to, which makes me so incredibly sad. If you read this whole thing, thank you. I really needed to vent.
lin0606 said
Sep 7, 2005
Welcome, this is the right place for you. No one here will judge you, or tell you to leave him, or tell you to stay. We may be able to help you by sharing our own stories, and some tools we have learned for living with alcoholism. It also feels so good , doesn't it, to just tell about all these things that we have kept hidden.
It sounds like your husband, like many A's, did not have any way to deal with strong emotion. So, he took the A way out - hide and run. It may help to realize that it didn't really have anything to do with you - in his mind he was not betraying you, just doing anything he could to avoid having to face his feelings. This doesn't mean you have to accept unacceptable behaviour, but sometimes it helps if you understand it.
If you can get to a face to face meeting, it would probably be good. I didn't get to alanon until after my husband sobered up - I thought I was going in order to help him! Soon learned different - it has been a lifesaver for me, nothing to do with him.
debilyn said
Sep 7, 2005
Welcome JIll, I hope you keep coming here. I promise you it will do you a
whole bunch of good.
I see you as very couragious, you have gone thru so much but you are still
fighting for your marriage.
No you will not have the same love, but it is up to you that you could rebuild a
totally new kind of love and it can be even better.
I have found thru 33 years of loving my A that love changes all the time. We change all
the time too.
For me the cheating would be the end. But that is not true with everyone.
Thank you for sharing, please keep coming back. love,debilyn
mom to 2 said
Sep 7, 2005
Jill,
Your A sounds a lot like my A. Excessive spending, champagne, staying out all night.
Has he changed with sobriety?? Is he being honest now?
I've filed divorce from my husband and I've been a single mom for 5 mos now. There's no easy answer here. Continue with alanon and hopefully things will become more clear.
mom to 2
Jill said
Sep 7, 2005
Hi Jill -- nice name! I am with Debilyn. It's true you can't love him like you did, but you can come to an adult, forgiving, more mature love sometimes. One of the factors that can make that more probable is if you can attend AlAnon meetings. i know the fear of hearing too many bummers, that it would bring me down. Counterintuitively, meetings raise my spirits. (even though I think I cried all through my first several meetings. I just showed up with kleenex and didn't say anything. many later said they had done that, too. it was OK) To know i don't have to defend my husband or myself for staying with him and to be accepted even though i love someone addicted is a wonderful place to find. i count on it.
you decide what to do, whether to stay or how much of yourself to give to him. you get to make the decisions for your own life and for your baby's. Better yet, you get to work on YOU, what a cool thing to model for your child. best of all, you get to develop a relationship with your higher power. Welcome to alanon. Jill
abbyal said
Sep 8, 2005
Hello Jill , so glad u posted here, yur story is an all too familiar one but gratfuly your husb is sober and thats a good thing. I hope u are going to meetings for yourself u need support sobriety is pretty damned hard for all of us , u need to recover and talk out your anger with people who understand how u feel and won't judge or tell u u are over reacting . Please find meetings for yourself , some don't mind if u take a small baby to a meeting and perhaps your husb would watch your daughter for an hr while u go to a meeting . I hope u ask him u may be suprised and he will co operate.
He is n ot the only one wo needs to change , and we don't have to do it alone again, it is possible to trust them again but u need to take care of the anger and dissapointment u ahve suffered because of his drinking. Al=Anon will help u with that. good luck Louise
Tammy said
Sep 8, 2005
One thing that I found so conforting is that when you read others posts how similar they are. The behaviors of an alcoholic are very common. It is up to US to decide when is ENOUGH ENOUGH. It is hard to disucss your feelings with people who dont understand I have the same situation my best friend and sister say JUST WALK AWAY.
You have taken steps to protect you and your daughter just take one day at a time and try not to be so hard on yourself.
Tammy
gknee said
Sep 8, 2005
welcome Jill-
didn't it feel good to type out that whole story? I remember my hands shaking as I typed a story that I felt was unspeakable.
I am living with the whole trust issue as well right now. My A/drug using husband admitted to homosexual encounters when high! lovely. Alanon helps, counselling might help, time helps.
Just take good care of yourself and that baby--and keep coming back here--it helps.
canadianguy said
Sep 8, 2005
Hi Jill - I read your posting, and identified with a lot of it, albeit from the man's perspective, as it was my wife who was the alcoholic....
I'm not sure what to say, other than to encourage you to continue to grow, and be true to yourself and your feelings. The resentments you are carrying will ultimately hurt both yourself and your daughter, at least as much as your hubby. YOUR health and serenity, as well as your daughter's, likely depend on your restoration to a healthy place.
I am by no means advising you to "forgive and forget", as whether you stay or go is obviously your decision and I have no idea what is best for you and your daughter, in the long run. I know, for me, I finally DID leave, and life is still a struggle, even with my ex no longer in my day-to-day life.
I would like to encourage you to simply keep moving and growing, in one direction or the other. You can choose the proverbial "hate the alcohol, love the alcoholic", and allow that his actions were mostly the disease talking.... Or you could take the road of believing what he did is unforgivable, and taking action as such. In my opinion, the worst thing you could choose, is to do nothing, and continue to be bitter, angry, and untrusting. This will eventually wear down on you, your daughter, AND your husband. Been there, done that.
Here is my story. My husband is an alcoholic, and so is his mother and his grandfather (who is deceased). Anyhow, we married in 2002 and alcohol never seemed to be a problem for my husband. We were 30 when we got married, and went out occasionally and got drunk, but nothing out of the ordinary, and certainly not often. I got pregnant in August of 2003. We were both estatic about the pregnancy. In January of 2004, my beloved dog had to be put to sleep. He had cancer everywhere. My A was devastated and didn't agree with my decision to put the dog down (it was my dog that I had since college). On top of the cancer which was in his spleen, liver, intestines, etc. he had pancreatitis. He had several blood transfusions, etc. We really did everything we could to save him, but he wasn't improving at all. Two days after we put our dog down, we had the big ultrasound, where they tell you the sex. We were so sad about the dog, that we really looked forward to seeing the baby on the ultrasound. Well, we got devastating news that the baby had a rare disease (which I don't want to go into the details) and the doctors recommended that we terminate the pregnancy. We were devastated. We went for a second opinion, went to specialists, etc. all of whom recommended that we terminate the pregnancy. I cannot put into words how awful I feel and how heartbreaking this was. My A did not agree with the termination (although he didn't tell me that until after. We are Catholic, so this goes against our beliefs. In March of 2004, my A got a new job as an investment banker. He began working crazy hours and going out late night with the guys. This bothered me a lot because he would come home drunk. He would go out once or twice a week. Work through the night on the other nights and then sleep it off all weekend (if he didn't have to go to work). I started grief counseling immediately after the termination, my husband went with me a few times, but stopped once he started his new job. We managed to get pregnant again in June I was scared that the same thing was going to happen, my A was just emotionally not there. Then, one night my husband didn't come home. I couldn't reach him at work, etc. He showed up at 9am. I almost called the police. He fed me a lie that he was in the copy center all night trying to get a memo out. He didn't smell like alcohol when he came home, so I believed him. I called in sick to work that day because I had been up all night worrying and I was 3 months pregnant and needed to rest. Also, the doctors specifically told me that I should try to stay as STRESS free as possible. Well, about a week later, he came home completely hammered again. This going out and getting drunk was happening consistently since March, but seemed to be getting much much worse. He denied that he came home drunk, but I knew he was. He was in control of all the finances, he paid all the bills etc and gave me an "allowance". So I never saw the credit card. Also, we never seemed to have any money, even though both of us make alot of $$. It never made sense. I decided to check our CC online (something I never did before). I found out that he had been spending up to $5000, yes thousand, at a strip club. In total, I added everything up and it was close to $20,000. That doesn't count all the money he spent at bars either. I was shocked. I never knew my husband to frequent a place like that, much less spend that kind of money. He told me he never cheated on me with any of the strippers, but he would go into the champagne room and order bottles of champagne. In all my life, the only time I ever saw my husband drink champagne was at our wedding. I closed all of our joint accounts, cancelled the credit card, paid off all the bills etc. But there was one charge on the cc that was at a hotel. He told me he was drinking at the hotel bar, but there were two charges there, one that looked like a room rate. I made him get in a taxi with me and go to the hotel. Halfway there, he makes me pull over and told me that he met a girl and he got a hotel room but she never showed up because she was hanging out with her friends. all they did was kiss. Well, of course I don't believe that. My husband started AA the next day, and has not had a sip of alcohol since. It will be a year on Sept. 17th. I felt like I needed to stay with him because I was pregnant. I did love him, and still do. Although, I love him differently . And I will never trust him. I went to therapy again after all of this happened, until I had my daughter. I am finding it very hard to even function right now, because September has so many bad memories for me. And I am so resentful against my husband. Resentful that he broke our marriage vows, that he lied, that he treated me like crap, that he cheated. I have never been to an Alanon meeting because I was afraid that other peoples stories would make me more depressed. My two best friends hate my husband and think that I should leave him, so I really can't talk to them about this. My husband really has made a turn around, but I just don't trust him. I love him, but I will never love him the way I used to, which makes me so incredibly sad. If you read this whole thing, thank you. I really needed to vent.
Jill,
Your A sounds a lot like my A. Excessive spending, champagne, staying out all night.
Has he changed with sobriety?? Is he being honest now?
I've filed divorce from my husband and I've been a single mom for 5 mos now. There's no easy answer here. Continue with alanon and hopefully things will become more clear.
mom to 2
Hi Jill -- nice name! I am with Debilyn. It's true you can't love him like you did, but you can come to an adult, forgiving, more mature love sometimes. One of the factors that can make that more probable is if you can attend AlAnon meetings. i know the fear of hearing too many bummers, that it would bring me down. Counterintuitively, meetings raise my spirits. (even though I think I cried all through my first several meetings. I just showed up with kleenex and didn't say anything. many later said they had done that, too. it was OK) To know i don't have to defend my husband or myself for staying with him and to be accepted even though i love someone addicted is a wonderful place to find. i count on it.
you decide what to do, whether to stay or how much of yourself to give to him. you get to make the decisions for your own life and for your baby's. Better yet, you get to work on YOU, what a cool thing to model for your child. best of all, you get to develop a relationship with your higher power. Welcome to alanon. Jill
Hello Jill , so glad u posted here, yur story is an all too familiar one but gratfuly your husb is sober and thats a good thing. I hope u are going to meetings for yourself u need support sobriety is pretty damned hard for all of us , u need to recover and talk out your anger with people who understand how u feel and won't judge or tell u u are over reacting . Please find meetings for yourself , some don't mind if u take a small baby to a meeting and perhaps your husb would watch your daughter for an hr while u go to a meeting . I hope u ask him u may be suprised and he will co operate.
He is n ot the only one wo needs to change , and we don't have to do it alone again, it is possible to trust them again but u need to take care of the anger and dissapointment u ahve suffered because of his drinking. Al=Anon will help u with that. good luck Louise
Hi Jill - I read your posting, and identified with a lot of it, albeit from the man's perspective, as it was my wife who was the alcoholic....
I'm not sure what to say, other than to encourage you to continue to grow, and be true to yourself and your feelings. The resentments you are carrying will ultimately hurt both yourself and your daughter, at least as much as your hubby. YOUR health and serenity, as well as your daughter's, likely depend on your restoration to a healthy place.
I am by no means advising you to "forgive and forget", as whether you stay or go is obviously your decision and I have no idea what is best for you and your daughter, in the long run. I know, for me, I finally DID leave, and life is still a struggle, even with my ex no longer in my day-to-day life.
I would like to encourage you to simply keep moving and growing, in one direction or the other. You can choose the proverbial "hate the alcohol, love the alcoholic", and allow that his actions were mostly the disease talking.... Or you could take the road of believing what he did is unforgivable, and taking action as such. In my opinion, the worst thing you could choose, is to do nothing, and continue to be bitter, angry, and untrusting. This will eventually wear down on you, your daughter, AND your husband. Been there, done that.
I wish you peace.
Tom