Hello, my A has returned this morning very drunk. He had been staying with a co-worker who spent 4 days providing him with alcohol, weed and new clothes and shoes. I feel really bad for her because I warned her when he stayed a couple of days last weekend that he was using her and that he had come home and called her horrible names ( he called her a fat pig) but he had her convinced that I made that up even though I had never seen her before. Isn't it horrible how an A can totally use someone for their own benefit. When they were supposed to go back to work this morning, he took off before she woke up and called me to pick him up. This girl is amazing to me. She knows that he is a married man with children, she knows that he is a A and drug addict and she knows that he came very close to dying a few months ago from a drug overdose, but she provided him with everything. She is extremely overweight and lonely I guess. My A goes there because he can stay drunk 24 hours a day and nobody bitches at him ( which I have recently learned is the wrong thing to do on my part.) If he stays drunk the whole time he is numb and doesn't feel the pain of being away from me and the kids.
I am really trying to detach and learn how to not let these things affect me so much but it is so hard. I know he would not cheat on me with her but it is the time spent with her that bothers me so much. She told me this morning ( in tears because she realized that she had been taken, big time) that she wasn't interested in him for anything more than a roommate and he had promised to pay her back for things that she purchased. Whatever!
Anyways, this is so hard because I know how much he loves me and I am so relieved to have him home but I hate it that I have to worry every second that he is going to leave again. I am so afraid that he is going to die because he came so close before. How do you let go in that situation. I know that I am going to do things differently this time. No more bitching and nagging, I have to take care of me and the kids. I told him that it is not ok to drink but if he absolutley must that I would rather he do it here. He was gone for 4 full days this time and the kids and I were going nuts. I wish I could lose the love I feel for him because what he did/does is so wrong. Not just the drinking/drug use but the way he treats people. Now when he sobers up after being drunk for more than 4 days straight, he is going to have to deal with the guilt of what he did to that poor girl and his family, wow what a life I have gotten myself into!
lmt123 said
Sep 6, 2005
Hi, Melissajill,
I am so sorry for your situation! It is great of you to feel sorry for that poor girl, but why? If she is providing YOUR husband with all the things that hurt your family, why feel sorry for her? I can understand having empathy for another person, but honestly, she is at fault as well. I don't mean to sound heartless, but that's what I think. I also think that it's not wise to give him the go-ahead to drink at home, because you feel safer with him drinking there as opposed to being out and having to worry about him. Why would he want to give it up and try to become sober, if you give him permission to do it, as long as he is at home? I am so sorry for what you're going through, I just wanted you to see it from an outsider's point of view, for what it's worth. I will pray for you to have the guidance you need to get through this.
(((((Love & Hugs))))),
Kathi
agatha said
Sep 7, 2005
(((Melissajill)))
After reading this last post I have realized how fortunate you are. I mean that honestly. Of course you have the huge problem of addiction in your home which we all know how horrible that can be to live with but you also have something wonderful that I can honestly tell you was missing in my marriage for years. You still feel real love for your A. I always had some love for him but for a very long time I had much more bitterness and resentment for him then love. I think I would have jumped for joy if my A had of left me.
I may be reading you wrong but from what I can see you are a very large step ahead of a lot of us when first starting the program (if you are new to al-anon). You don't have all the "I hate you" to wade through before you start to see him for the person he is underneath the disease. It would have been nice to have been able to feel compassion for my A instead of an overwelming need to hit him with something.
As far as this other woman, good for you for not feeling hate for her. Hate will only hurt you. You sound like a wonderful, kind and understanding person. Please don't let yourself be taken advantage of. Everyone regaurdless of situation needs to know what thier personal bounderies are as far as what they are willing to accept from others without loosing thier self respect.
Hello, my A has returned this morning very drunk. He had been staying with a co-worker who spent 4 days providing him with alcohol, weed and new clothes and shoes. I feel really bad for her because I warned her when he stayed a couple of days last weekend that he was using her and that he had come home and called her horrible names ( he called her a fat pig) but he had her convinced that I made that up even though I had never seen her before. Isn't it horrible how an A can totally use someone for their own benefit. When they were supposed to go back to work this morning, he took off before she woke up and called me to pick him up. This girl is amazing to me. She knows that he is a married man with children, she knows that he is a A and drug addict and she knows that he came very close to dying a few months ago from a drug overdose, but she provided him with everything. She is extremely overweight and lonely I guess. My A goes there because he can stay drunk 24 hours a day and nobody bitches at him ( which I have recently learned is the wrong thing to do on my part.) If he stays drunk the whole time he is numb and doesn't feel the pain of being away from me and the kids.
I am really trying to detach and learn how to not let these things affect me so much but it is so hard. I know he would not cheat on me with her but it is the time spent with her that bothers me so much. She told me this morning ( in tears because she realized that she had been taken, big time) that she wasn't interested in him for anything more than a roommate and he had promised to pay her back for things that she purchased. Whatever!
Anyways, this is so hard because I know how much he loves me and I am so relieved to have him home but I hate it that I have to worry every second that he is going to leave again. I am so afraid that he is going to die because he came so close before. How do you let go in that situation. I know that I am going to do things differently this time. No more bitching and nagging, I have to take care of me and the kids. I told him that it is not ok to drink but if he absolutley must that I would rather he do it here. He was gone for 4 full days this time and the kids and I were going nuts. I wish I could lose the love I feel for him because what he did/does is so wrong. Not just the drinking/drug use but the way he treats people. Now when he sobers up after being drunk for more than 4 days straight, he is going to have to deal with the guilt of what he did to that poor girl and his family, wow what a life I have gotten myself into!
Hi, Melissajill,
I am so sorry for your situation! It is great of you to feel sorry for that poor girl, but why? If she is providing YOUR husband with all the things that hurt your family, why feel sorry for her? I can understand having empathy for another person, but honestly, she is at fault as well. I don't mean to sound heartless, but that's what I think. I also think that it's not wise to give him the go-ahead to drink at home, because you feel safer with him drinking there as opposed to being out and having to worry about him. Why would he want to give it up and try to become sober, if you give him permission to do it, as long as he is at home? I am so sorry for what you're going through, I just wanted you to see it from an outsider's point of view, for what it's worth. I will pray for you to have the guidance you need to get through this.
(((((Love & Hugs))))),
Kathi
(((Melissajill)))
After reading this last post I have realized how fortunate you are. I mean that honestly. Of course you have the huge problem of addiction in your home which we all know how horrible that can be to live with but you also have something wonderful that I can honestly tell you was missing in my marriage for years. You still feel real love for your A. I always had some love for him but for a very long time I had much more bitterness and resentment for him then love. I think I would have jumped for joy if my A had of left me.
I may be reading you wrong but from what I can see you are a very large step ahead of a lot of us when first starting the program (if you are new to al-anon). You don't have all the "I hate you" to wade through before you start to see him for the person he is underneath the disease. It would have been nice to have been able to feel compassion for my A instead of an overwelming need to hit him with something.
As far as this other woman, good for you for not feeling hate for her. Hate will only hurt you. You sound like a wonderful, kind and understanding person. Please don't let yourself be taken advantage of. Everyone regaurdless of situation needs to know what thier personal bounderies are as far as what they are willing to accept from others without loosing thier self respect.
Stay strong.
Agatha