This is going to be pretty hard to type, I really don't know any of you guys but I just wanted to share my story.  The last time I posted was 3 weeks ago today, I had a question about making a phone call and turning my husband in (he was ordered to attend outpatient treatment and to not drink at all, they wanted me to call if I thought he was drinking) anyways, regardless of that I did not make the call, by the time I left for work I had not received any responses to my question so I just left it at not calling.  I got home about 5:05 (half hour later than normal because I stopped at the grocery store), my husband was passed out on the living room floor (I've seen that many times before so I thought nothing of it), I could see he was breathing because he was making weird noises like he was snoring or something.  I put away the groeceries and did some other stuff around the house, I went downstairs about 5:45 to put some clothes in the washer, I know he was still breathing because I could hear him, he had also flipped over onto his stomach.  I came up stairs and the phone rang, it was his parents calling to see how he was doing, I said well he's drunk and they were upset, they also knew he wasn't suppose to drink, I came back in the house (I had gone outside to talk on the phone), set the phone down, looked over at my husband (thank God his head had been facing me otherwise I probably never would have looked at him for quite a while longer), his face was completely purple and his legs were turning purple, I immediately called 911 and the lady was trying to tell me how to do cpr (yeah right a hysterical person trying to give cpr!!), 5 minutes later the cops and paramedics show up, it took them over 20 minutes to get a pulse and his heart going, they were all there for almost an hour and then rushed him to the hospital, the first night they had ran a bunch of tests and said there didn't appear to be any brain activity, apparently anything over 4 minutes without a heartbeat or pulse was a very bad thing, he was without both for about 25 to 30 minutes.  The next day they did more tests and said his chances are very bad, he appeared to be brain dead.  Well Thursday afternoon at 4:00 pm he was pronounced brain dead.  This was just unbelievable to me, it still is, it still doesn't seem real.  I am extremely grateful that I had found this site about a month previously, before that I had a ton of anger and resentment against my husband, I used to think that if he really loved me he would quit drinking.  I have relized through this site that that is not true, we didn't cause it, can't cure it and can't control it.  I learned to not let his drinking bother me as much as it normally did, I didn''t try to control it anymore, didn't look to find his bottles, didn't ask how much he had been drinking, etc, etc....  I learned to like the days I had with him when he decided not to drink, not be angry with him.  Oh I forgot to say that my husband died of a heart attack, he also aspirated and had a bac of .62.  There are a lot of things that have me thinking if he knew it was going to happen.  After talking to a lot of people at the funeral, I learned that he made many, many phone calls to friends that day, he was always on the phone constantly but that day ever more than normal, he called people he hadn't talked to in months, it's just really weird the things people were telling me, he even made amends with my son the day before for the way he has treated him.  I don't know my whole point to telling this story other than I'm very thankful that I found this site before he passed away.  Even if you are having problems with your A, whoever that may be, still love them, maybe try and help them as much as possible, I know it's not our problem to deal with but maybe for some A's they need the extra shove or push, maybe if my husband would have gone into inpatient treatment instead of outpatient, he would still be here today, but then again maybe once he got out he would be worse than ever??  You never know I guess. 

I have a lot of unanswered questions that will probably never be answered but I just wanted to share my story, this is a story that I never imagined I would have to tell.  When I came here I thought things would eventually get better, not worse, but I think it would be a lot harder for me to cope right now if I would not have found this site first, for that I'm thankful.

 

Kristi

((((((((((((((Kristi))))))))))))))))),

I am so sorry for your loss!

It seems your HP was looking out for you by bringing you here. You are a very corageous woman. I am truly at a loss for words (which is not usually the case!) I just wanted you to know that we are all here for you. When I can refelct and know what I want to say I will be back.

Keep Comin back,

Much Love,

Kristi,

I am so sorry to hear of your loss.  I nearly lost my A last January and again last May from bleeding varices so I can imagine how traumatic this was for you.  I am glad that because you found Alanon you were able to enjoy him some and separate him from his disease before he passed away.  I am sure that having made peace with him will make it easier for you to cope now that he is gone.  We are here for you as is your HP.   Lisa

 

Hello Silver am so sorry for your loss, am so grateful u found us before he passed away. Please stay with us yur going to need to heal  and you don't have to do it alone. Perhaps your husb did know that he was going to die, again u will nevr have an answer to that one.  Allowing them the dignity to live or die the way they choose was the hardest part of this program for me. Take care of youself and keep comming back to post how your feeling.  (hugs)

Kristi, I, like the others, am very sorry for your loss. I have no words of comfort for you other than to say that you can find your way through this grief with the help of this program and your HP. Keep coming back. Love and hugs, Jessi

((((((((Kristi))))))))))

I am so sorry for your loss!  I am so glad you found this site, so you can have some sort of consolation.  Keep coming here, it's helped so much for me to have this place to vent and learn.

My prayers are with you,

Kathi

I'm so glad you've found us, too. It is indeed a fatal disease, I'm so sorry.

(((((((((kristi)))))))))))

I am so sorry for your loss.  I am so afraid that I will find that my A is not breathing in the morning after one of his binges.....Take care of yourself.

Hugs Mary

Kristi, I nearly lost my A last year, and the HP saw not to take him at this time. I've lost both my parents and some very close friends. I know how hard it is for you, and yet I don't. Know that even strangers will keep you in your prayers. This is not your fault, as hard as that may to believe. In time you will know. Keep the happy memories, no matter how small they may seem to you, close in your heart. Stay with us, and if you have to, find some local counceling. There are some really good support groups out there as well as professionals should you chose to do that. We're thinking of you and keeping you and your family in our prayers. Live strong. In sympathy, Karilynn

You are in my prayers.. I too am speechless.. I think we all fear the same God Bless, and keep coming BACK.. Tammy

Silver, I am soooo sorry for your loss. I want to thank you for sharing your story. I am having such a hard time cherishing the good times and am so wrap up in the bad. Your words and experience will remind me to try to appreciate the positive between my A and I. Thank you for sharing. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Lynn

Kristi,

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. 

I'm happy you were able to enjoy some happy times and separate the disease from the person.

mom to 2

(((((Kristi)))))) I was stunned to read your post. We all are sorry for your loss. Not only am I happy you found Alanon, I happy we found you. Reading your post opened my eyes as to how my A could end up. I will be a little more understanding which is the hardest for me as I hold a lot of anger towards my A. Please keep coming back. with sympathy, Whitie

(((((((Kristi))))))))

I am so sory for your loss!!!  I have many times feared the very thing that happened to you.  I would like to thank you for sharing with us as it does show that this awful disease can sure throw a huge twist at you.  Loving our A's for who they are not what the disease does is an important message in your post and I am greatful to you for sharing.

Again sory for your loss.  My thoughts are with you.

JJ

Kristi,

I'm so sorry for your loss.  Please keep coming if you need to vent.  I hope you don't mind if I let my A read this post.  I always say i'm scared this will happen and he says never.  This is what he needs to wake up.

Your friend NIKKILOU

Wow kristy I am at loss for words too other then to say your in my prayers and thoughts!!! Hang in there and take one day at a time! Keep coming back and sharing with us it helps you to heal! love ya Bubbles

Sorry................so very sorry.

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and prayers.  There is one thing that I actually forgot to add, my husband was only 34 and I am 33, not that it makes a huge difference but just to let you know it can happen at any age!!!  I never in my life thought this would happen.  I thought one day he would fall down the stairs and break a leg or something like that and that would "wake him up" but I guess I didn't get so lucky.  I also feared I would find him floating in our pool when I came home from work, he loved to swim and often drank before going in there, which scared me to death.

Confused  - I hope you do learn to take all the positives with the negatives, even if there isn't a lot of positives.  I had bought a couple books also right after I found this sight, one was One Day at a Time in Al-Anon, that was really good, I haven't read every day but I still really like it and another one I bought was Getting Them Sober.  I am just so thankful that I learned (a little bit) how to separate the two people, which is exactly what he was, he was a completely different person when he was drinking.  I used to waste so many days before being mad at him when he was actually sober because I was upset that the day before he had been drunk, took it out on him, I learned to realize it was not my fault, I learned to quit asking how many drinks have you had and then saying "your lying, you've had more than that", I learned it didn't matter.  I hope this helps you some.

Whitie - I also had a ton of anger with my husband because of his drinking, it was horrible, I couldn't stand to be around him when he drank, when he was sober he was the most lovable, kindest person in the world.  I did learn to let go of my anger also, I would still have my moments but nothing like before and I think it really made a difference.  Granted I didn't get to practice this stuff for too long but I'm thankful that I got to for a little while.

 

Thank you all again and I hope that this never happens to any one of your A's.

Kristi

My prayers are with you and my sympathy god bless you your are a strong person take care love cloud

(((((Kristi)))))

I'm very sorry to hear your husband has passed. It sounds like it was quite a shock. You and your family are in my prayers.

Agatha

Kristi~ I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Your share has been an eye opening to me and will make me try to re-open my heart a little more to my A. I have often thought about that day he will no longer be here but.... You are in my prayers. Thank you for your courageous share. Linda

Wow Kristy - my heart goes out to you.... 

I will always remember driving down to the funeral of a close friend, who died of an overdose, about two years ago.  I travelled with my recovering wife and an AA friend of hers, and her friend, with her 30+ years of society, really hit home when she stated:

"Well, we certainly can't say this is a surprise, because this is what alcoholics and addicts do.".  It was sooooo matter-of-fact, but also so damn true. 

I am inspired by the strength of your post, and your knowledge that YOU are not to blame, etc.   Good for you, and I wish you peace and good fortune.  You never know, maybe things really WILL get better for you, in the future.

Thanks so much for your posting...

Tom

 

Hi

I am so very sorry to hear of your husband's passing.  How awful....It made me think quite a bit about my own.  I am always saying how I wish that he would just leave so I wouldn't have to with my children.  But I have to admit it would be a hard thing to go through if he passed like that.  It wouldn't solve anything and it would be so sad to see that.  So my heart goes out to you....

With sympathy,

Julie D.

I am sooo sorry for your loss. Thank HP and Alanon that you were able to understand him better and able to deal with things in a better way before he passed. Thank you so much for sharing with us. I guess it's a fear we all have, and you have helped us wake up too. Please keep coming back, maybe somehow we can help you too. Love TLC

(((Hi)))

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even imagine what you must be going to. I am glad that you have found Alanon. You might never find answers, but it may help you find peace.

This disease is so horrible and can cost evryoneone around it so much, even life.

May God help you in your time of grief.

                                           Love Jeannie