hi everyone.

i haven't posted here in ages, but this past week i have been reading the board.  i think i have backed off of coming here because i feel the things i deal with and go thru are so redundant, that i finally just decided to quit repeating myself and just deal with the life i have chosen and quit asking people for answers and/or support.  i have chosen to stay, and i feel it's hypocrytical to keep coming here and saying, 'oh, this happened, that happened, what do i do?"  (i'm not saying others shouldn't keep coming here looking for support.  this is MY thinking...which probably isn't too healthy!)

BUT....tonite i do have a pertinent dilemna.  i think i already know what i will do, but i am going through such a battle in my mind about it, that i thought maybe posting here will help me get a grip and get a solid perspective on it.  and even though i THINK i know what i will do, i still am not sure.

i live a little over an hour away from my family  (my parents, 2 out of 3 of my sisters, and their families (my nieces, nephews, and great-nieces and nephews).  i don't get home very often, because my 6 kids and my a husband are all here, and i have a hard time leaving town because my a is even worse when i'm gone.  i have a lot of guilt for not going home just because i'm worried my a will be worse when i'm gone, but this is something i havent overcome yet.  the only one of the six kids that lives with me now is my 6 yr old whose father is my a husband.  the other 5 children are all older and from my first marriage. 

anyway, my mom has alzheimers, and is quickly failing.  when my older 5 kids were little, i went home all the time.  since i've been with my a, i'm lucky if i make it there for holidays, and most times, without him.   but i've been down there twice recently, and both times, i have gotten so emotional the night i come back, because i'm so torn about being there for my mom right now, plus just being around my sisters and nieces and nephews, versus  being here where all my kids are, plus my a.   

i spent the day in my home town for my mom's 84th bday aug. 12, and was a wreck later that night after i'd been there, because after being around all my sisters and neices and nephews and parents, plus being in such an unhappy marriage, i wanted to move back there.  i see my family all having a day to day life together, and here i am, sitting up here all isolated cuz i know if i leave town, my a takes advantage of me being gone and does even worse things than usual!  but yet, the feelings i have when i'm around my family make me so sad that i dont see them more often. 

then, this past weekend, labor day weekend, my dad had to go out of town, and my sisters asked me to come and stay with my mom while he was gone, because her alzheimers is progressed enough that she can't stay alone.  i went there on sat, planning to come home on sun, and ended up staying sun night too, cuz when i talked to my a on the phone, in less than 30 seconds, he had called my 'dummy' and 'dumbass', and i figured, why in the world go home to his drunk ass calling me names, when i can stay with my family and help my mom and be with people that treat me like a human being? 

part of me wants to take my 6 yr old and just move back there and live around the people who treat me well and love me, and i could help my dad with my mom.  but i also have a granddaughter here where i live, and I love the fact that she knows gramma, knows gramma's house, and i am the only other person she is never afraid to be left with, other than her mamma.  i know my older kids could handle it if i moved away, but i worry about the trauma to my 6 yr old, leaving all his older brothers and sisters, and..his daddy.  i mean, he loves his daddy.  he's too young yet to understand that daddy is a jerk and we'd be better off not being around him, cuz his daddy does enough for him that he doesn't want to give that up, ya know?  he knows his daddy drinks too much and can be really unreasonable at times, but still loves him enough that leaving him would be very upsetting to him.  pluse, like i said, i love that my granddaughter is comfortable with me cuz she sees me all the time (she's 1 now), and i want to keep a close relationship with her, too.

i wrote my parents a letter tonite and told them that the confusion i feel whenever i spend time there is that i feel i am torn between two worlds.  the world here...where my own children are, and the world there, where my childhood and family history is.  plus wanting to be there to help my dad care for my mom in her short time left.  my dad is really wearing out.  i am torn in trying to decide which world should take precedence?   they are both so important to me.  my a husband isn't even really the dilemna.  its my kids versus my sisters, parents, and many neices and nephews.  actually, my a is also part of the dilemna.  i'd be lying to myself to say he isn't.  i dont want to leave him, either.  i feel like such a mess, cuz my sisters have been doing EVERYTHING to help my dad with my mom.  the other option for me is just to commit to going to my parents like once a month for a weekend and helping out that way.  

the other confusing thing for me, though, is how wonderful it felt to be at my parent's this weekend.  they are such amazing, loving people.  even though it was a lot of work watching over my mom and my 6 yr old all weekend, the love is so awesome.  it's a love i don't feel here at home with my a.  it was a bit stressful at my mom's, but not near the stress of living with a man that is drinking before 10 am on the weekends! 

at the beginning of this post i said i probably already know what i will do.  which is stay here.  but i'm just not sure what i'm supposed to do.  if i go back to my hometown, it means uprooting my 6 yr old with school, not seeing his older brothers and sisters, plus his little one yr old niece who he adores, and she adores him, AND  losing his daddy(cuz if we left, my a would write us off.  court order or not..he would write us off).  but it also would mean living around family who is loving and kind, not alcoholics, not abusive, etc.  but it also means uprooting my life, too.  and where my parents live is a rinky dink little town where everyone knows everyone else's business.  there are so many pros and cons. 

i dont even know if anyone can make any sense out of this post, but i just thought..i'm in such a dilemna in my mind, it can't hurt to post.  

hoping for clarity,

search41

lori 

 

Hi Lori,

I understand the feelings of not knowing what to do, even though maybe I really DID know deep inside.  Does that make sense?   I know for me, the guilt of leaving something I vowed to do, versus the pleasure of having a life without all the mess of the alcoholic.  I don't know what to say, only that you'll come to the right decision when the time is right.  (Now that's a lot of help, lol.)  Just hang in there, and know you're not alone.

Kathi

((((((((((Lori)))))))))),

All I can say is pray. You will come to the right decission for yourself and your son.

Have you talked to your older children about your feelings? Maybe just sharing with them can help you.

Sorry that is all I have.

Much Love,

 

When I find myself being so torn by a decision, and looking at it in such a black and white, either/or way, I have learned to just back off for a bit, if I can. So often, if you just give yourself a bit of time, and talk it out with others (your older kids, your other family) without making it "Do I pick choice A or choice B?" I find that other options appear. Often, it is something that at first blush appears to be out of the question that ends up solving the problem.

Dear Lori,

I am so happy to hear from you, I was worried and missed you!! I'll never forget your kindness to me in one of my worst moments. You are a kind, loving and deserving person and don't you EVER feel that you shouldn't come here, or have no right to complain because you decided to stay!!!!!! Many of us have been right where you are at. many, many of us wonder why we stay?? What would we ever do without each other to 'talk' to? People here understand exactly what we are going through. A lot of us have decided to stay, we love the d*mn fools!! They are sick and we understand that. Some go on to new lives, some stay. Only you can make the decision to stay or go. We are here for each other. Where would I be if you hadn't stepped in and talked to me? We all have our good and bad times,and can help each other.

You sound like you are in the rut I was in at one time. My Dad, and then my ex used to degrade me so much that I believed I was everything they said, or implied I was ( I didn't feel hardly worthy of taking up space on this earth). Then I became a mother, and knew I was needed (what a wonderful occupation) :)

I don't know if this will help or not, but will share my experience. Take what you want...

I was living 24 hours away from my Mom when I learned she had Cancer. I immediatly flew home. (my ex supported me on this, I think he loved her almost as much as I did). We had two small children 3 & 4. He brought them to me and we stayed with my Mom for 7 months. My ex found a job about 2 hours from Mom's, we bought a home in the middle (one hour each way) and were going to have Mom come live with us, but sadly, she passed away before we moved in. I was so lucky to have had the support of my husband in this and am so happy that I could spend those precious months with her. It was hard alone with the kids and Mom for 7 months, although Mom's sister was with us most of the time, but I don't regret one precious millisecond. Would it be possible for you to go there weekends? It might be good for your little guy too, getting to know his grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc.?

It's funny, my A, who I am with now, is the one who showed me I am SOMEBODY, that I can do pretty well whatever I set my mind to. I was alone with my two teenagers when I met him. They walked all over me just like they had seen their father do. I loved them so much and their happiness was my #1 concern. But.. they didn't NEED me as much as they had when they were younger (just the car and pocket change) ;)

When I started seeing my A, it made me feel so good to be NEEDED. I think that's the kind of people a lot of us are, caretakers. (I also loved working in a nursing home). I was finally with another person who needed me and it made me feel good. I 'babysat' him through all the drunks, 1/2 carried him home so many times, nursed him after he smashed us up in an auto accident, yadda, yadda, yadda.. After we had recovered enough to go back to work, I went to work for him. He was the same as your A, acted up when I went away to see my family.. Wanted me with him 24/7, and I was, for quite a few years.

Then!!!! I discovered Alanon and my life has changed so very very much because of wonderful people like you! My A is not allowed to drink when he is near me (since punching me in the face). For awhile, he would go away just to drink, then he got tired of that, stayed sober for longer and longer periods, and now rarely has a binge. He went about a month ago, and I was sure I was leaving him that time, but...he only drank for two days...and I love him.  

I don't put up with nearly as much as I used to, and stick to my boundaries to the best of my ability. Coming to this board has helped me handle this insane life. Alanon has taught me to look after me.  My attitude changed about his drinking (he was going to drink whether I b*tched about it or not). I decided I was going to do my own 'thing' and started enjoying things with or without him. I guess really for the first time in my life, I took control of my own life. I see my kids and grandchildren a LOT more, go shopping on my own, buy stuff I like, do things to the house that I want, don't do things that I don't want to do.. It's like he respects me more now too. I know I do. Sorry this is so long and hope I have helped a little bit? Love you!! TLC

-- Edited by TLC2 at 20:32, 2005-09-06