Hello.  I am newcomer to alanon and this board.  I have a question about my newly sober boyfriend. I do not know how to broach it with him.  What is anyone experience with sex and a newly sober partner?  My boyfriend seems totally uninterested which is a big change.  I am trying not to take it personally but it's hard.

Thanks for any comments.

Hi Maypole,

That is not unusual for a newly sober alcoholic.  Many alcoholics experience impotency and lack of libido when they become newly sober. My alcoholic did.  There is a book that alanon puts out called The dilemma of the alcoholic marriage, and another called sex and intimacy.  Both books address these issues and  have wonderful share about other members that have had the same problems.  It's not anything to do with you or his desire for you.  Also understand that the newly sober alcoholic has to face their behavior when they weren't sober.  Take care of yourself maypole, and find a face to face meeting that you like.  Glad you found alanon, SenoraBob.

Hello May ,  what your boyfriend is experiencing is perfectly normal so I am told by my AA friends , be patient and don't take it personally.  I understand that everything comes back in time how long I don't know everyone is different.   good luck  hope you are going to meetings f2f u will find othes who have gone thru the same thing and can share thier own experiences with you . Also we have a great book called Living with Sobriety  talks alot about sexual problems in sobriety and our Dilema of the Alcoholic Marriage is awsome book , quite a large section on sexuality in recovery .    they will help u to understand that u are not alone.   Louise

 

Hi Maypole, Please don't think that it's you. It isn't. It's very common for this to happen. There's a really good book out there called: First Year Sobriety. Essentially it's people talking about what they go through the first year. I found it very helpful to understand what was going on. I also asked my A about it. He reminded me that when you are drinking the inhibitions go away, so sex is easy. I'm not suggesting that he cheated on you. But remember when you were in college, and all that drinking was going on? How many stories did you hear about people "hooking up" with each other? For my A, he's told me that for that intimacy to come back is a really big deal. The main reason? Because he loves me and he was afraid to be that close. He thought he might (there's no way to say this without a pun, sorry) screw it up. Maybe because we're older (40s) and hasn't had great luck in other relationships (for whatever reasons), this time around it's different. The intimacy means more. We do a lot more snuggling and staying close to each other. That means just as much as the sex, sometimes even more. Give it time and if you can talk to him. Betcha he's feeling a bit anxious about it to. It's natural. Hang in there. Live strong. Karilynn

Thank you all so much...very helpful to be able to express it and then feel so supported!  I am going to just try and relax about it and explore all the new ways intimacy can come into our lives now that my A is sober (for today!)  xo Maypole