IF YOU HAVE READ MY OTHER POSTS, YOU KNOW THAT MY A HAS TAKEN OFF ON ONE OF HIS WEEKEND DRUNKS. I SUSPECTED THAT HE WAS STAYING WITH A CO-WORKER WHO IS LETTING HIM DRINK THERE ALL WEEKEND. A LITTLE WHILE AGO, I PICKED UP THE PHONE AND LOOKED AT THE CALLER ID AND REALIZED THAT HE HAD CALLED ME LAST NIGHT FROM THE CO-WORKERS PHONE BUT I DID NOT ANSWER BECAUSE I DIDN'T HEAR THE PHONE RING. HE HASN'T CALLED ALL DAY TODAY. SHOULD I ANSWER THE PHONE IF HE CALLS AGAIN TONIGHT, OR WOULD IT BE BETTER TO NOT ANSWER. I KNOW HOW HE IS AND IT WILL DRIVE HIM NUTS IF HE DOESN'T KNOW WHERE WE ARE. I THOUGHT ABOUT CALLING THE NUMBER JUST TO TELL HIM THAT I LOVE HIM AND LET THAT BE ALL THAT I SAY BUT I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD. I NEED ADVICE PLEASE. THANKS

If you want to talk to him, answer the phone.  If you don't want to talk to him, don't answer the phone.

Melissa, Whether or not you answer the phone is entirely up to you. Pray about it if you can and trust your gut. No one can tell you what to do except your Higher Power. I know you are new here and would like to explain something. It is quite unlikely you will get much advice here because that is not how Al-Anon works. We are here to listen and to give support -- unconditionally. The details, such as whether you contact your A, are for you and your HP to decide. Program people will support you and love you and listen to you no matter what. That may not seem like much help now but it is the best kind of help the program has to offer. It will get better. Keep coming back. Love and hugs, Jessi

hi, I never liked the word, "should." Lissa as we learn more and more alanon skills we don't have to ask those questions anymore. As you learn more and more your choices will change and you will develop new habits. My experience with what you are going thru was awful too. i remember the hurting and not understanding. What would make you want to worry him? Do you believe he does this on purpose? It is hard when they get worse and worse in their disease. Makes me sad when I ' know how much you want him there, but his disease has taken him away. I had that love with my A too. But he is now in the last stage and drugs clog up the part in him that loves. For me I would have to keep busy. When I started to really get into my own life, it did not hurt so much when he went away. Whether using at home or away, he still was not there. So i had to make my own life, if he came around great. If not then I had a full life of my own. Sure i wish it were different. I called us Mr. and Mrs. Bumble. I thought we would be bumbling around together as we age.We are in our fifties now. He is not him anymore. Anyway this is my experience. keep coming here and to the chat room. It really helps!! love,debilyn

Do you want to talk with him? Answer the phone. Do you NOT want to talk with him? Don't answer the phone. Undecided? You must make a decision and stick with it. I probably would not answer the phone. (But that's just me.) He knows where home is. Diva

I agree - time to stop focusing on what he needs, what he wants, what others expect from you, and do what YOU want and need. If you are anything like me, you probably don't even know how to answer that question, after so long focusing on other people. Don't worry too much right now about the long term, just do the next right thing, take it moment by moment. If you take care of your own needs just now, eventually the right path will become clear to you. Eat right, a little excercise, keep busy doing healthy useful things.

Hi Melissa, I too, am new to alanon and am struggling just like you. I want someone else to give me the answers, yet I know if I look deep enough and trust that my HP is working through me the answers are already there. Unfortunately they may not be the ones I want to admit are right. As far as the phone, if you are worried and that is your only reason for answering then realize this, if he is calling, at some level he is ok. That is better than not knowing at all which to me has always been harder. I hope that you find the strength you need in your HP and you will certainly find support here. Thinking of you, You are not alone, Confused

Dear Lisa, Glad you reminded me how it used to be. My A daughter, not spouse, I used to ring all her friends, when she was bingeing. At first, they used to lie for her, then group of friends became just drinking buddies, sometimes, they would laugh, sometimes, not bother to answer. I was obsessed, tried to find out who she had called. Amazingly, she had called the speaking clock!!!! She was very devious, covered her tracks. Wish I had had Alanon then..... but, much later before I found it, after she went to AA. Anyway, in hindsight, what would I do? I dont know, the program tells me that I am powerless, have to look after myself, not responsible for her. I hope I would wait and let her come to me, but, could not advise, I make many mistakes. Trust yourself, he rang, so he is safe. Hold onto that thought. Let him do what he is doing, you can only look after you. One thing I do know, when I started looking after myself, took the pressure off whole family. Wish I had magic wand, would wave it and say, make it better. Sadly, not how it is, but each day has 24 hours, give a little time to you, a space where you can be yourself, not concentrating on him, you are powerless, if you need to ring, do it, if not, dont, no prizes either way. Lots of love to you, Flora xxx