As many of you know from listening to me whine in the chat room, I am at a crossroads in my marriage right now.
I have been with my A husband nearly 10 years, married for six years. Our marriage has been one of escalating abuse and violence and, thanks to this program, I had finally got the strength to separate from him. I moved back to my hometown, found a job and an apartment. While I'm not exactly living in luxury, I've been getting by.
Although my husband lives halfway across the country, we have stayed in constant telephone communication. In May of 2004, he had a terrible automobile accident while driving drunk, in which he escaped injury only by the grace of HP. At that point, he told me he had finally "hit bottom" and that he was going to make a commitment to AA, to sobriety, and to repairing the damage he had done to our relationship.
Since then, he had been telling me he had been clean and sober and that he was ready to start a new life with me in a few months, after he completed his probation from the DUI resulting from his May 2004 accident. I went to visit him for a week at the beginning of August. On the third day of my visit, he was arrested for violating his probation. I learned that he has had frequent "slips" in the past year and that he had been binging for the past three weeks.
Although he was sentenced to 175 days, he only spent three weeks in jail because I found him a good lawyer and his parents paid for it. Since his release, there has been no remorse, contrition or acceptance of responsibility for his behavior. There has been, however, a lot of recrimination and threats against me and others who care about him for not doing enough to get him out of jail more quickly, for refusing to pay for the lawyer, for not sending him money while he was in jail, etc., etc., etc. In other words, a total regression back to the selfishness and blame that existed before he supposedly hit bottom in May 2004.
Everyone in my life has been urging me to get out of this relationship, telling me I deserve better. I know that, but I'm still clinging to the hope that this is a slip in his recovery, that the decency I thought I saw during the past year is still there and will emerge as soon as the initial shock and anger fade.
With no explanation, I told him last Wednesday night that I need a week with no contact from him. I have been using that time to try to gain perspective and to pray for the wisdom to do what will be the best thing for me in the long run; prayer for my HP's will for me and the power to carry that out. In short, I'm praying for a sign from HP as to whether or not to end this marriage right now.
I know many of you have been in similar situations. I would be grateful for your ES&H.
Yours in recovery,
Butterfly
horsemaven said
Sep 3, 2005
Dearest Butterfly,
I will pass on to you what some wise Alanon passed on to me. Keeping yourself safe and on track does not prevent you from loving him. As long as there is breath there is hope, but your safety is most important. Expectation that something has changed can be very disappointing when we realize that nothing has really changed. I learned to watch what the A in my life did rather than what he said. I set boundries like, I will only talk to you when you are not drinking. We can get back together when you have been clean and sober for a year. I was also told that a relationship can be put on the shelf, it does not need to be ended until you are sure. Doing nothing is sometimes doing something. If this relationship is meant to be, it will be there when things are right for both of you. Just keep on keeping on and answers will come.
jessi said
Sep 3, 2005
Butterfly,
I am impressed by your clarity on such a tough situation in your life. It seems to me you are doing the next right thing and it may only be a matter of time before you get the answer from your HP. I have learned the hard way that my HP works on his time, not mine. In such situations, it is important for me to hang onto even a little bit of faith in the midst of a lot of fear.
Keep at it and you will be okay. My A and I ended our relationship 1.5 years ago after six years together and I still love her. And that's okay. She is a great person and is sober now and is working through the disease underneath the drinking. We have not gotten back together and that may never happen. I have come to know that our HP's have great plans for us -- together or apart. And I find it very freeing that I can love her forever. I truly believe it is never wrong to feel love. And today, I can do that in a way that is not hurtful to myself, her or anyone else.
Love and hugs,
Jessi
whitie said
Sep 3, 2005
Butterfly,
I too have learned to chill and wait for those signs from my HP. I tried to rush things for so long. It's been a three year journey and sometimes I still get frustrated that I'm not yet where I want to be. I do however feel that I'm on the right path. It took 22 years to get this messed and it will take time to set it straight. You have to do what's right for you to be happy and safe.
One day at a time........
Whitie
Flora123 said
Sep 4, 2005
Dear Butterfly,
Thank you so much for posting - sometimes in chat room, things are too light to reveal our true situations.
This is my ESH:
Have never, until last few weeks, lived alone. With family, shared appart., then married.
I am so in awe of your achievements, you moved, got place of your own, job and keeping your life together! Well done.
This is the rub with the As in our lives - we know they may cause us harm, but we love them.
You are doing all the right Alanon things, taking care of you, making yourself secure. No-one can say whether you should continue relationship - that is your decision alone. But, at least you are moving forward, from a position of strength, and, always, keep safe. If you feel threatened in any way, that is your sign. Even in Alanon, we always recognise that personal safety comes first.
If you want to re establish relationship - that is OK, on your terms, if not, that is OK too. Take it easy, it is not a race, sometimes, when we do nothing, that too, is a decision, and things get clearer.
Love to you,
Flora
xxxx
PS tried to get clever and send you a smile, lol, dont be scared if it green little person!
Hi Friends,
As many of you know from listening to me whine in the chat room, I am at a crossroads in my marriage right now.
I have been with my A husband nearly 10 years, married for six years. Our marriage has been one of escalating abuse and violence and, thanks to this program, I had finally got the strength to separate from him. I moved back to my hometown, found a job and an apartment. While I'm not exactly living in luxury, I've been getting by.
Although my husband lives halfway across the country, we have stayed in constant telephone communication. In May of 2004, he had a terrible automobile accident while driving drunk, in which he escaped injury only by the grace of HP. At that point, he told me he had finally "hit bottom" and that he was going to make a commitment to AA, to sobriety, and to repairing the damage he had done to our relationship.
Since then, he had been telling me he had been clean and sober and that he was ready to start a new life with me in a few months, after he completed his probation from the DUI resulting from his May 2004 accident. I went to visit him for a week at the beginning of August. On the third day of my visit, he was arrested for violating his probation. I learned that he has had frequent "slips" in the past year and that he had been binging for the past three weeks.
Although he was sentenced to 175 days, he only spent three weeks in jail because I found him a good lawyer and his parents paid for it. Since his release, there has been no remorse, contrition or acceptance of responsibility for his behavior. There has been, however, a lot of recrimination and threats against me and others who care about him for not doing enough to get him out of jail more quickly, for refusing to pay for the lawyer, for not sending him money while he was in jail, etc., etc., etc. In other words, a total regression back to the selfishness and blame that existed before he supposedly hit bottom in May 2004.
Everyone in my life has been urging me to get out of this relationship, telling me I deserve better. I know that, but I'm still clinging to the hope that this is a slip in his recovery, that the decency I thought I saw during the past year is still there and will emerge as soon as the initial shock and anger fade.
With no explanation, I told him last Wednesday night that I need a week with no contact from him. I have been using that time to try to gain perspective and to pray for the wisdom to do what will be the best thing for me in the long run; prayer for my HP's will for me and the power to carry that out. In short, I'm praying for a sign from HP as to whether or not to end this marriage right now.
I know many of you have been in similar situations. I would be grateful for your ES&H.
Yours in recovery,
Butterfly
Dearest Butterfly,
I will pass on to you what some wise Alanon passed on to me. Keeping yourself safe and on track does not prevent you from loving him. As long as there is breath there is hope, but your safety is most important. Expectation that something has changed can be very disappointing when we realize that nothing has really changed. I learned to watch what the A in my life did rather than what he said. I set boundries like, I will only talk to you when you are not drinking. We can get back together when you have been clean and sober for a year. I was also told that a relationship can be put on the shelf, it does not need to be ended until you are sure. Doing nothing is sometimes doing something. If this relationship is meant to be, it will be there when things are right for both of you. Just keep on keeping on and answers will come.