I guess I am a little confused on how to get started with all of this. Should I let my A keep coming back home after every time he takes off on me? How should I treat him when he comes home. Should I anounce my disapproval, Should I ignore him, love him, act like everything is fine? It seems like my husband would have it just the way he wants if I don't say anything about his drug/alcohol use and then why would he ever stop. I am not ready to be apart from him right now. I am very lonely without him even when we fight most of the time right now. I think that I bitch and complain at him because I know it makes him mad and it is my way of getting back at him. He knows that when he was clean after he came back from rahab, our relationship was better than ever. I didn't have to bitch at him because he wasn't using. I really need some relief from this, I am so sick of being controlled by this every day of my life. I am really lonely and hurting and I know my children must be too. My son cried for his dad for and hour tonight and he is very close to him. I don't know how to help him. I guess our kids really need some relief too but I am so depressed right now. I don't know how to do this on my own.
dadrrb1 said
Sep 2, 2005
First off, let me say that you don't have to do this on your own, and you shouldn't try. Ask your HP for assistance, and be prepared to do the next right thing. Your HP will help you know what to do. Your "A" MUST hit bottom, and if you nag him (excuse the nag part), he will hit a fake bottom, and sobriety may not last.
Once he hits HIS bottom, sobriety may be a lasting and long term thing. You might as well enjoy everyday with him and your kids. Take care of you and your kids first. Let him take care of him. You don't have to be hateful or mean to him, because he is beating himself up for you. Just let go and let God.......He is much better at this than you or I.
Hope this helps,
dadrrb1
abbyal said
Sep 3, 2005
Hello Melissa , what should you do? well I would suggest u try and find al anon meetings f2f u need support people that can pick up the phone on a bad day or go for coffee occasionally. Al-Anon will change your life. There is nothing u can do about him, begging , threatning, crying won't change a thing except frustrate u more than ever. You are trying to solve a problem tht is not yours to fix, it's his.
Start getting your life back on track and with or with out him u will be just fine. I believe the best way to support our husb is to get our own program and get on with our lives and off thier backs . Until he says that what he is doing is causing him a problem it isn't itsl causing you a problem. He either gets sober for himself or it jsut dosen't seem to stick.
Only you know what is acceptable to you no one can make those big decissions but you. Please give al anon a try for a few months before you make any life changing decissions. You have a right to be happy too and al anon will show u how to get there, with or with out him.
I have been told that instead of waiting for him to hit bottom -- start looking for your top!
step one says that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanagable. We cannot change other people , we are powerless over the choices they make but u can decide to recover from the affects that his drinking has had on your life. The min I think i have any control over anyone else's life mine becomes unmanagable . Please find some meetings as soon as possible do it for yourself .
good luck Louise
Jersey said
Sep 3, 2005
Wow! Those were very meaningful suggestions, it helped me too. Thanks Louise!
Good Luck Melissa. I'm new to this too and I know it's painful and frustrating. The 12 steps helped me get sober years ago so I know they work! I've had such a better day today after being reminded that there is support and help for me again with Al-anon.
All day when I started getting in my head about HIS drinking behavior.....I reminded myself to stop, let go of the desire to control/change his behaviors and approach him with love instead of anger. Already, I think this attitude helped me to avoid a fight!
Take Care, Jersey
lin0606 said
Sep 3, 2005
Louise gave you such good tips that I'm not going to add anything to that part of it, I'll just address the "getting away with it" part.
He's not getting away with anything. A's are in enormous pain, and don't know how to deal with it. They started drinking to make themselves feel good, and now that it makes them feel bad, they realize that they can't stop. Most of them have no inner resources, they just don't know how to manage their emotions without deadening them with the help of their drugs and drinking. If he does love you, then he knows how much his behaviour is hurting you. This makes him feel guilty. Unlike you, when he feels guilty, he doesn't take it as a sign to change his behaviour. He just takes it as an emotion he can't stand to feel, so he drinks to make it go away. Then, when he sobers up, he has even MORE to feel guilty about, and so it goes.
If nagging and loving were what were needed to fix this disease, then none of us would be here. We have all tried it, to the point that we were exhausted and had forgotten what joy in life was. None of it worked. All it does is give him another excuse for drinking (as if he neded one). "If that b***h I live with would just leave me alone, I wouldn't have to drink". Well, leave him alone. It won't make him stop drinking, but the nagging and unpleasantness didn't either. The real effect will be that your home will be a nicer place, for you and the kids, and for your husband, when he chooses to be there, and to participate. You cannot save him, anymore than you could save him from cancer, but you can keep yourself and your kids from being dragged down with him.
If you ever go to an open AA meeting or to a roundup, or read any AA literature, you will see that they are not getting away with anything. They are suffering from a horrible disease, one that is fatal. A's are very good at spreading a big lie, at making you feel that you are the one who is wrong, at looking like they are on top of things. This is not true. Every one of them is plagued with insecurity and self doubt. They hate themselves. They don't need you to hate them too.
This doesn 't mean that you need to let them walk all over you, and the strength and wisdom to know how to walk that narrow path is what this program is for. Take your time, you didn't get to this point overnight, and you won't get better overnight.
I live in a very small and isolated place too, but we do have f2f meetings. It may only be once a week, and it may be a bit of a drive, but take a look at the meeting schedule, and I bet you will find one more or less within reach. You might want to call the local AA number, too (I bet there's an AA chapter - they are every where). At the very least, you could go to an occasional open AA meeting, and get a feel for what this disease looks like from the other side.
Good luck to you, and welcome.
tea2 said
Sep 3, 2005
dear melissajill,
WOW, these are all wonderful replies to your post -I have learned from reading them too. Please keep up on you and glad you found al-anon (and are here)
I guess I am a little confused on how to get started with all of this. Should I let my A keep coming back home after every time he takes off on me? How should I treat him when he comes home. Should I anounce my disapproval, Should I ignore him, love him, act like everything is fine? It seems like my husband would have it just the way he wants if I don't say anything about his drug/alcohol use and then why would he ever stop. I am not ready to be apart from him right now. I am very lonely without him even when we fight most of the time right now. I think that I bitch and complain at him because I know it makes him mad and it is my way of getting back at him. He knows that when he was clean after he came back from rahab, our relationship was better than ever. I didn't have to bitch at him because he wasn't using. I really need some relief from this, I am so sick of being controlled by this every day of my life. I am really lonely and hurting and I know my children must be too. My son cried for his dad for and hour tonight and he is very close to him. I don't know how to help him. I guess our kids really need some relief too but I am so depressed right now. I don't know how to do this on my own.
First off, let me say that you don't have to do this on your own, and you shouldn't try. Ask your HP for assistance, and be prepared to do the next right thing. Your HP will help you know what to do. Your "A" MUST hit bottom, and if you nag him (excuse the nag part), he will hit a fake bottom, and sobriety may not last.
Once he hits HIS bottom, sobriety may be a lasting and long term thing. You might as well enjoy everyday with him and your kids. Take care of you and your kids first. Let him take care of him. You don't have to be hateful or mean to him, because he is beating himself up for you. Just let go and let God.......He is much better at this than you or I.
Hope this helps,
dadrrb1
Hello Melissa , what should you do? well I would suggest u try and find al anon meetings f2f u need support people that can pick up the phone on a bad day or go for coffee occasionally. Al-Anon will change your life. There is nothing u can do about him, begging , threatning, crying won't change a thing except frustrate u more than ever. You are trying to solve a problem tht is not yours to fix, it's his.
Start getting your life back on track and with or with out him u will be just fine. I believe the best way to support our husb is to get our own program and get on with our lives and off thier backs . Until he says that what he is doing is causing him a problem it isn't itsl causing you a problem. He either gets sober for himself or it jsut dosen't seem to stick.
Only you know what is acceptable to you no one can make those big decissions but you. Please give al anon a try for a few months before you make any life changing decissions. You have a right to be happy too and al anon will show u how to get there, with or with out him.
I have been told that instead of waiting for him to hit bottom -- start looking for your top!
step one says that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanagable. We cannot change other people , we are powerless over the choices they make but u can decide to recover from the affects that his drinking has had on your life. The min I think i have any control over anyone else's life mine becomes unmanagable . Please find some meetings as soon as possible do it for yourself .
good luck Louise
Wow! Those were very meaningful suggestions, it helped me too. Thanks Louise!
Good Luck Melissa. I'm new to this too and I know it's painful and frustrating. The 12 steps helped me get sober years ago so I know they work! I've had such a better day today after being reminded that there is support and help for me again with Al-anon.
All day when I started getting in my head about HIS drinking behavior.....I reminded myself to stop, let go of the desire to control/change his behaviors and approach him with love instead of anger. Already, I think this attitude helped me to avoid a fight!
Take Care, Jersey
dear melissajill,
WOW, these are all wonderful replies to your post -I have learned from reading them too. Please keep up on you and glad you found al-anon (and are here)
I wish you and your children all the best,