I have a question for any one with small kids. My kids are 5,3,10mos. My 5,3 year old are always asking where dad is. I always say at school. He is 7mos sober and goes to AA meeting twice a day, some times three. Like before this holiday weekend when we will be at alot of parties. They ask what does he go to school for. i say to learn to be a good dad. Then they say he is when can he stop going. Any advice as to what to say. He mostly drank after they went to bed or at the bars and came home after they were in bed. So i'm not sure how much they know. I'm not sure if i should tell them or what to do. The book i've read relate to older kids what about younger kids.
I would love any input.
Thanks NIKKILOU
lin0606 said
Sep 2, 2005
Personally, I wouldn't say anything, this is not your problem, but your husband's. Maybe warn him that next time you're going to say "Ask your daddy to talk about it with you", and he can talk it out with his sponsor, or at a meeting. Part of working YOUR program, is to not do things for him that he can do for himself. His relationship with his children is not your business, as long as they are safe.
kimmie said
Sep 2, 2005
I agree with Lin0606, let them ask him and see what he says. I have a 2 year old and a baby on the way and when they start to ask, I plan on telling them the truth. I also plan on bringing them to Alanon with me and explaining the disease to them. But my "A" gets drunk in front of my son, he doesnt wait until he's sleeping. That would be nice. So it's not the same thing, but I would just let him explain to them where he has been. Hope this is all helpful, I know it's hard with kids. It's so hard to know if they fully understand or not.
Christy said
Sep 2, 2005
nikkilou,
I am of the belief that honesty is always best.
Thank HP you don't have to say he's "at the bar". Although, if it were me, since he is gone so often I think I would change the answer from "to be a better Daddy" ...to be a better person or to get smarter or even Daddy has a problem that he is learning how to fix.
Kids are pretty smart and eventually they will ask "so when does he get to be home long enough to BE a better Daddy"?
If he's not the greatest Dad, the kids will think he didn't learn anything for all those hours he spent away from home.
Maybe you can have a talk with your A and suggest he set time aside for the kids and reassure them. I know that some A's trade the addiction of alcohol into a meeting addiction. I hope that's not what is going on because God Bless him, he's sober and and doing what he needs to do to stay that way. I do hope he cuts back soon for the sake of your children :)
All the best,
Christy
agatha said
Sep 3, 2005
Hi Nikkilou,
My kids are nine and four. I have always just told them Dad has gone to a meeting. We tell them the same when I go to my meeting. As my son got older he would ask what the meeting were and I would tell him the truth. My A has always been a little uncomfortable talking about it with our son and at one point I had to tell my A if he didn't sit down and answer the questions I would so if he had wanted to be the one to explain it to his son he had better hurry up. Our daughter still dosen't even ask but they both got to the anniversary meets so as she gets older she will know too. I think right now she just thinks that all grown ups go to meets.
I think your idea of "school" for daddy is great. It is school. He is learning how to live. When they ask when can he stop going tell them " I don't know". They are still so young I don't think they need much detail about it all. Getting together with your A and having him help with what to say is a good idea. Now that he is sober it's time to learn to parent together.
Agatha
Dolphin123 said
Sep 3, 2005
(((((((((((((NikkiLou))))))))))))),
When my oldest was 2 and I was pregnant with second daughter I took my 2 year ols to meetings with me. I had to, I was alone. She loved going to them, they were good for her to, in that time of confusion to be surounded by all that love. When my second daughter was 6 months old my "A" and I got back together. At that time he would take our oldest daughter with him to meetings while I took the baby, because many nights there are AA and Alanon meetings going on at the same time.
Our oldest daughter knows about meetings, I know she does not completely understand, but my "A" and I have told her the truth to the extent that a now 6 year old can understand. She know that Daddy is sick, and the doctor or any medicine cannot fix it. She also knows that Mommy needs meetings to, to be happy.
Our 3 year old just knows that we are at meetings, and doesn't ask questions, when she does she will be told the same thing as her sister.
My son in only 2, and just knows that I leave.
My "A" is active now, doesn't attend meetings, but the kids see me go to meetings, I need help and there is no shame in that.
At a time when my "A" was active in meetings and clean, he expalined his being sick to the kids, I think it is his place to explain where he goes, and my place to explain mine. I will answer questions that my daughter has about her father, to the best of my knowledge and I am very careful to answer what is asked, and not any more information than that, when she can understand more she willl ask more.
Hi roomies,
I have a question for any one with small kids. My kids are 5,3,10mos. My 5,3 year old are always asking where dad is. I always say at school. He is 7mos sober and goes to AA meeting twice a day, some times three. Like before this holiday weekend when we will be at alot of parties. They ask what does he go to school for. i say to learn to be a good dad. Then they say he is when can he stop going. Any advice as to what to say. He mostly drank after they went to bed or at the bars and came home after they were in bed. So i'm not sure how much they know. I'm not sure if i should tell them or what to do. The book i've read relate to older kids what about younger kids.
I would love any input.
Thanks NIKKILOU
Hi Nikkilou,
My kids are nine and four. I have always just told them Dad has gone to a meeting. We tell them the same when I go to my meeting. As my son got older he would ask what the meeting were and I would tell him the truth. My A has always been a little uncomfortable talking about it with our son and at one point I had to tell my A if he didn't sit down and answer the questions I would so if he had wanted to be the one to explain it to his son he had better hurry up. Our daughter still dosen't even ask but they both got to the anniversary meets so as she gets older she will know too. I think right now she just thinks that all grown ups go to meets.
I think your idea of "school" for daddy is great. It is school. He is learning how to live. When they ask when can he stop going tell them " I don't know". They are still so young I don't think they need much detail about it all. Getting together with your A and having him help with what to say is a good idea. Now that he is sober it's time to learn to parent together.
Agatha
(((((((((((((NikkiLou))))))))))))),
When my oldest was 2 and I was pregnant with second daughter I took my 2 year ols to meetings with me. I had to, I was alone. She loved going to them, they were good for her to, in that time of confusion to be surounded by all that love. When my second daughter was 6 months old my "A" and I got back together. At that time he would take our oldest daughter with him to meetings while I took the baby, because many nights there are AA and Alanon meetings going on at the same time.
Our oldest daughter knows about meetings, I know she does not completely understand, but my "A" and I have told her the truth to the extent that a now 6 year old can understand. She know that Daddy is sick, and the doctor or any medicine cannot fix it. She also knows that Mommy needs meetings to, to be happy.
Our 3 year old just knows that we are at meetings, and doesn't ask questions, when she does she will be told the same thing as her sister.
My son in only 2, and just knows that I leave.
My "A" is active now, doesn't attend meetings, but the kids see me go to meetings, I need help and there is no shame in that.
At a time when my "A" was active in meetings and clean, he expalined his being sick to the kids, I think it is his place to explain where he goes, and my place to explain mine. I will answer questions that my daughter has about her father, to the best of my knowledge and I am very careful to answer what is asked, and not any more information than that, when she can understand more she willl ask more.
Hope my rambling helps.
Much Love,