I am 40 today and am so sad I can't stop crying. I have been with this man for 21 years. We never had kids although we tried in our 30s and even underwent fertility treatments, but he didn't stop drinking or using benzodiazapenes (for sleeping) even though his sperm count was low and he said he wanted a baby as much as I did. Of course it didn't work and I suppose that's a blessing, but I've given up my reproductive years for him. Always hoping something would be different someday. You know how we can fool ourselves. He's incredibly intelligent, talented, and can do anything he puts his mind to -- except quit drinking, it seems. He has never worked at a job longer than 6 months at a part-time job and although I work, his parents support his side of things. He is sensitive and understanding and romantic, but he's also a disgusting drunk. I'm sorry for those words, but falling over staggering, bragging and slurring are disgusting behaviors. Alcoholism may be a disease, but I still maintain it's different than diabetes because it is a behavior. People in AA may always be vulnerable to alcohol, but they somehow stop putting the substance to their lips: a diabetic cannot stop taking insulin and live and function. I think I need to just leave this relationship. I cry every single night and feel I deserve a better life. I know he loves me, but the alcohol consumption obliterates every good thing we share. There is not much left in me to hang on in this. God, I wish I could stop crying.
He was slowing down the drinking with the goal of stopping and I know that isn't a solution really or for long, but I thought for today he would be sober. I came home and got hit by a cloud of smoke (he smokes when he drinks), he was sitting in our very messy house with his former college professor (a lady who has more problems than most), and I just went to the bathroom and cried. I pulled it together and left for a while. He called me on cell phone and begged me to come home and told me she was gone. He hadn't invited her, she had just shown up. She's 73 and he's 41, but she used to come on to him all the time. Now he's too old for her. I'm not kidding! One thing about my A, he's honest about everything except alcohol. I'm sorry I rambled.
nmike said
Sep 1, 2005
FoggyMac,
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! I wish you the best. It is soooo disappointing when they aren't there for you. Can you be there for yourself and have a little bit of a good time? When I turned 40 I think I got a little smarter and a little braver.
In support,
Nancy
FoggyMac said
Sep 1, 2005
Thank you for the birthday wishes. Are you still with an alcoholic? Is he/she practicing or recovering?
Maria123 said
Sep 1, 2005
Foggy Mac,
Happy Birthday to you !!!!! I so wish it were under better circumstances for your sake, but we here in Al Anon understand as perhaps few others can.
The below is a live chatroom where you can join in and talk with people who may share some of your experiences.
I, at 37, was sad and lonely and miserable; although I did not know why. I am the child of an alcoholic so my situation differs somewhat from yours. I have 3 children of my own. I am sorry about your not being able to have children.
Well I left my marriage. I am not advocating one way or the other. For me, it was the right thing to do. We had changed so much and I was tired of being lonely, etc. etc. etc.
Now at 43, I can say I am pretty happy, most of the time. It's been because I got to know myself in Al Anon. I grew up, shall we say. I learned to say no when I could not do things. I learned to stop people pleasing. I learned to do good things for me. I learned, all over again, who Maria really was and what makes her happy. Yes, sometimes that disappoints others. But even worse for me to be a disappointment to myself.
I attended Al Anon meetings. It is a gentle process. I also go to the chat meetings, which is another Al Anon lifeline. I, five years later, am still learning new things about myself every day. I do for me what others cannot do -- which is love me enough and take good care of me and "fill me up." I am not lonely any more. What a gift!!!!!!!!
I hope to see you in the chatroom where you will begin to feel so much better about yourself in a very short time.
Keep coming, Al Anon works if you work it and you are worth it.
Maria123
shimo said
Sep 1, 2005
Hi FoggyMac,
Happy Birthday to you my dear! Sorry to hear you are feeling down especially on your birthday. On my last birthday my hubby was not at home either. I suspected he would not be home as he had been drinking alot at that time. You know what I did...I took myself out to dinner and had a wonderful time all by myself. I love seafood so had a large seafood platter and then took myself off to the Diary Queen for my favorite dessert! I was loving me and giving myself what I wanted for my birthday!
You did not mention if you attend face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. I would encourage you to do that if you possibly can. And also, there are on-line meetings in the chat room here at Miracles in Progress every weekday morning at 9:00 am EST and in the evenings at 9:00 pm EST. On Saturday & Sundays the meetings begin at 10:00 a.m. EST. The Sunday evening meeting begins at 7:00 pm EST. Hope you will come to our meetings...you will find lots of support and love in our room.
Please do something nice for yourself on your birthday....something that you would really like and that would make you feel good! Maybe buy yourself something nice to wear, get a manicure, get your hair & make-up done...anything that would help you to celebrate your birthday.
Also, FoggyMac, I do understand when you say there is nothing to hang onto as I felt that way myself before Al-Anon. We suggest you attend Al-Anon meetings for at least six months before you make any major changes or decisions for your life as you may find you feel differently and if not, at least your head is clearer to make the best decision for yourself. Sometimes when we make decisions out of frustration and loneliness they are not the best ones for us.
Please keep posting here and try to attend some Al-Anon meetings. You will begin to feel better and also learn alot about yourself at the same time.
Love in recovery - Shimo (Jeri)
Faith73 said
Sep 1, 2005
Happy Birthday Foggy Mac!
I'm so glad u found us here, i can relate to where you are right now, as i was there not too long ago. The support of this group and the tools that alanon teaches have lifted me out of the ditch that i was digging for myself. You're not alone! It does get better, keep coming back!
Love, Christine
Annie said
Sep 1, 2005
Thank you for your post. Wow--21 years--with the A. I know what you mean about loving them because there is that beauty that we see in them--I was 36 when I had my first son, 38 when I had my second, and 40 when I had my third. I love them dearly. I went w my A for five years before we were married--I knew he had a drinking problem but I thought he had enough brains to overcome it. I, too, have difficulty looking at it as a disease and agree with you regarding diabetes. He, too, has degrees and is very intelligent. He quit drinking for about 15 years--from the time my youngest was born until he was around 15--because he was starting his own business. As he began to drink again, he slowly began to cut back on his clients until his business is almost nonexistent--I guess so he could drink more as he is in the bar everynight. Personally, I feel that if it weren't for my sons, I would not be with him. I just can't see dissolving our family altho. he contributes little. He is very selfish when it comes to doing things for me...very self centered but yet giving in many ways. He is not an open person and our communication seems almost like a courtesy to each other now. He does not want me to criticize any of his drinking habits--he stopped smoking as he was diagnosed with emphysema in March. My sons are what keeps us together...you are very young...40...with so much life ahead of you. I hope this helps a little. Take care of YOU. Follow what is right for you. I know you can do it. You are a beautiful person and you deserve the very best! Your birth day is very special. Love and blessings to you on your very special day. Annie
whitie said
Sep 1, 2005
FoggyMac
I've had a few lonesome birthdays myself. Now I try to have o expectations so I won't be disappointed, but sometimes it just sucks! I've been married to my a for 22 years and I still get sucked in sometimes. With alanon it happens less and less all the time. I also know now when it's starting to happen and I can come here or to a face to face meeting.
My a's lastest trick is to drink like crazy while I'm out of town and then turn on the pity party about how I don't spend time with him when I return. The verbal abuse goes on for a week or so. I must say I don't react to it so much anymore, which of course makes him even crazier! It's all so sick!
Everyone here has been in similar situations and understand what your life is about. Get to a meeting if you can.
Whitie
FoggyMac said
Sep 1, 2005
Thanks to all of you for your words. They help and I will try to follow your advice on meetings. I did go shopping and spend a little money on myself. I also bought a birthday gift for a niece while I was out. You help. Thank you.
debilyn said
Sep 2, 2005
a disease is a combination of symtoms. Each disease has its own. comparing
Alcoholism to Diabetes is not saying the disease has the same effects.
Alcoholism is not just a behavior. It is a genetic predisposition to being allergic
to alcohol.
Strangely we are attracted to that which we are allergic too.
I am sad to hear you feel so bad. It is sure understandable. I don't celebrate
holidays and so that takes a load off me and others.
but I understand how you feel. Hon my friend had a beautiful baby at 49!!
Your age does not have to mean you cannot have kids. You can still try.
I see you are so hurt. I know you wanted your husband to be there. I sure
relate. I am past that now. I never plan for him to be there for me.
It has made things easier.
Maybe next time you need to celebrate or share, set up something like a dinner
party and invite people to come to a certain restaurant. If he shows, good, if not
oh well. HE is not the only person in the world. YOu sound like you probably
have other friends.
Hugs to you sweetheart. glad you came here. love,debilyn
search41 said
Sep 2, 2005
FroggyMac,
I can so relate to your disappointment. no matter what special occasion or holiday or whatever, i can count on my a to sabatoge it in some way or another. i either read or heard or was told, i can't remember which, that special occasions of any sort are a trigger for a's or addicts or whatever they are. and that has sure been my experience. i don't think they can even help it. it's like some sort of subconcious threat to them or something. cuz it's an occasion that THEY are not in control of.
sometimes i am able to prepare myself for this 'expected' sabatoge, and plan around it and prepare for it and not let him ruin it for me. and sometimes i fail miserably. the times i really fail are the times when i am hoping for him to be my 'fantasy man', and be what i WANT him to be. i do much better when i am living in reality. alanon says we should have no expectations. well, i have to say, i can always 'expect' him to do something to make special days or holidays or whatever, hectic or chaotic or frustrating. but it's when i 'expect' him to be normal that i end up hurt and disappointed.
your post has really helped remind me of this. to 'expect' him to do something i don't want him to do, and to NOT 'expect' him to be normal about it.
i don't know if this helps at all, but i just wanted to reply to you cuz i can relate. like i said, your post and your replies have also helped me. i have my 45th bday coming up soon, and i think i will just take myself out for seafood!!!
You deserve special acknowledgement on your 40th birthday Froggy! Happy, Happy Birthday! even if you wish he'd have made it special, let the one person you CAN count on make it special for you. YOU!!! do it tomorrow or do it next week. Just do it! without knowing you, i know that you have accomplished things in your life that you are proud of. celebrate you! do something that you know you will walk away from feeling satisfied and pleased! and it would be REALLY cool if you would write a post about what you did!
Bless you and all you have accomplished Froggy!
search41
marmare said
Sep 2, 2005
Happy Belated Birthday! I am sorry that you were hurt. It is hard for me too, not to have expectations of my A. What did you do for yourself on your birthday? I had a birthday a few years ago, when my children all lived at home, they all left for school and then my A left for work. Not one of them said "happy birthday" to me.....I cried and cried and cried. I called a girlfriend and she left work and came and kidnapped me. We had the best time! Do something nice for yourself.
Hugs Mary
FoggyMac said
Sep 3, 2005
I went shopping on my birthday and bought myself some clothes from a second hand store. I love bargains and good finds. I picked up a present for a niece who has a birthday near mine at a local bookstore. I went out to dinner tonight with family and it was nice, but my mother controlled where everyone sat and I was kind of isolated in a corner. She's very domineering, but means well. My A was there. He made me cry on the way to pick up my Mom, but I got better. He's very irritable and awful these days. Still there seems to be a lump in my throat all the time now. His drinking has been out of control for years and years, but he's getting grouchier. My mother notices the changes. I don't know where he is now and although I'm sort of apprehensive about his safety, I am kind of relieved to have some alone time. My husband doesn't work and is always here. I am kind of a loner by nature and need quite a bit of space, but don't often get it. Why do any of us stay? A marriage is supposed to be two people who share lives and endeavor to make the lives of one another better. I know marriage is often not ideal, but this truly is insanity.
So many posters talk about having no expectations (which is reasonable), but with no hope and no feeling of being able to rely on spouse--what the heck is the point? I know we all have to answer these questions for ourselves, but why do any of you stay in a relationship with a practicing alcoholic? What do you get out of it?
I am 40 today and am so sad I can't stop crying. I have been with this man for 21 years. We never had kids although we tried in our 30s and even underwent fertility treatments, but he didn't stop drinking or using benzodiazapenes (for sleeping) even though his sperm count was low and he said he wanted a baby as much as I did. Of course it didn't work and I suppose that's a blessing, but I've given up my reproductive years for him. Always hoping something would be different someday. You know how we can fool ourselves. He's incredibly intelligent, talented, and can do anything he puts his mind to -- except quit drinking, it seems. He has never worked at a job longer than 6 months at a part-time job and although I work, his parents support his side of things. He is sensitive and understanding and romantic, but he's also a disgusting drunk. I'm sorry for those words, but falling over staggering, bragging and slurring are disgusting behaviors. Alcoholism may be a disease, but I still maintain it's different than diabetes because it is a behavior. People in AA may always be vulnerable to alcohol, but they somehow stop putting the substance to their lips: a diabetic cannot stop taking insulin and live and function. I think I need to just leave this relationship. I cry every single night and feel I deserve a better life. I know he loves me, but the alcohol consumption obliterates every good thing we share. There is not much left in me to hang on in this. God, I wish I could stop crying.
He was slowing down the drinking with the goal of stopping and I know that isn't a solution really or for long, but I thought for today he would be sober. I came home and got hit by a cloud of smoke (he smokes when he drinks), he was sitting in our very messy house with his former college professor (a lady who has more problems than most), and I just went to the bathroom and cried. I pulled it together and left for a while. He called me on cell phone and begged me to come home and told me she was gone. He hadn't invited her, she had just shown up. She's 73 and he's 41, but she used to come on to him all the time. Now he's too old for her. I'm not kidding! One thing about my A, he's honest about everything except alcohol. I'm sorry I rambled.
FoggyMac,
Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you! I wish you the best. It is soooo disappointing when they aren't there for you. Can you be there for yourself and have a little bit of a good time? When I turned 40 I think I got a little smarter and a little braver.
In support,
Nancy
Foggy Mac,
Happy Birthday to you !!!!! I so wish it were under better circumstances for your sake, but we here in Al Anon understand as perhaps few others can.
The below is a live chatroom where you can join in and talk with people who may share some of your experiences.
http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html
I, at 37, was sad and lonely and miserable; although I did not know why. I am the child of an alcoholic so my situation differs somewhat from yours. I have 3 children of my own. I am sorry about your not being able to have children.
Well I left my marriage. I am not advocating one way or the other. For me, it was the right thing to do. We had changed so much and I was tired of being lonely, etc. etc. etc.
Now at 43, I can say I am pretty happy, most of the time. It's been because I got to know myself in Al Anon. I grew up, shall we say. I learned to say no when I could not do things. I learned to stop people pleasing. I learned to do good things for me. I learned, all over again, who Maria really was and what makes her happy. Yes, sometimes that disappoints others. But even worse for me to be a disappointment to myself.
I attended Al Anon meetings. It is a gentle process. I also go to the chat meetings, which is another Al Anon lifeline. I, five years later, am still learning new things about myself every day. I do for me what others cannot do -- which is love me enough and take good care of me and "fill me up." I am not lonely any more. What a gift!!!!!!!!
I hope to see you in the chatroom where you will begin to feel so much better about yourself in a very short time.
Keep coming, Al Anon works if you work it and you are worth it.
Maria123
Hi FoggyMac,
Happy Birthday to you my dear! Sorry to hear you are feeling down especially on your birthday. On my last birthday my hubby was not at home either. I suspected he would not be home as he had been drinking alot at that time. You know what I did...I took myself out to dinner and had a wonderful time all by myself. I love seafood so had a large seafood platter and then took myself off to the Diary Queen for my favorite dessert! I was loving me and giving myself what I wanted for my birthday!
You did not mention if you attend face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. I would encourage you to do that if you possibly can. And also, there are on-line meetings in the chat room here at Miracles in Progress every weekday morning at 9:00 am EST and in the evenings at 9:00 pm EST. On Saturday & Sundays the meetings begin at 10:00 a.m. EST. The Sunday evening meeting begins at 7:00 pm EST. Hope you will come to our meetings...you will find lots of support and love in our room.
Please do something nice for yourself on your birthday....something that you would really like and that would make you feel good! Maybe buy yourself something nice to wear, get a manicure, get your hair & make-up done...anything that would help you to celebrate your birthday.
Also, FoggyMac, I do understand when you say there is nothing to hang onto as I felt that way myself before Al-Anon. We suggest you attend Al-Anon meetings for at least six months before you make any major changes or decisions for your life as you may find you feel differently and if not, at least your head is clearer to make the best decision for yourself. Sometimes when we make decisions out of frustration and loneliness they are not the best ones for us.
Please keep posting here and try to attend some Al-Anon meetings. You will begin to feel better and also learn alot about yourself at the same time.
Love in recovery - Shimo (Jeri)
Happy Birthday Foggy Mac!
I'm so glad u found us here, i can relate to where you are right now, as i was there not too long ago. The support of this group and the tools that alanon teaches have lifted me out of the ditch that i was digging for myself. You're not alone! It does get better, keep coming back!
Love, Christine
Thank you for your post. Wow--21 years--with the A. I know what you mean about loving them because there is that beauty that we see in them--I was 36 when I had my first son, 38 when I had my second, and 40 when I had my third. I love them dearly. I went w my A for five years before we were married--I knew he had a drinking problem but I thought he had enough brains to overcome it. I, too, have difficulty looking at it as a disease and agree with you regarding diabetes. He, too, has degrees and is very intelligent. He quit drinking for about 15 years--from the time my youngest was born until he was around 15--because he was starting his own business. As he began to drink again, he slowly began to cut back on his clients until his business is almost nonexistent--I guess so he could drink more as he is in the bar everynight. Personally, I feel that if it weren't for my sons, I would not be with him. I just can't see dissolving our family altho. he contributes little. He is very selfish when it comes to doing things for me...very self centered but yet giving in many ways. He is not an open person and our communication seems almost like a courtesy to each other now. He does not want me to criticize any of his drinking habits--he stopped smoking as he was diagnosed with emphysema in March. My sons are what keeps us together...you are very young...40...with so much life ahead of you. I hope this helps a little. Take care of YOU. Follow what is right for you. I know you can do it. You are a beautiful person and you deserve the very best! Your birth day is very special. Love and blessings to you on your very special day. Annie
FroggyMac,
I can so relate to your disappointment. no matter what special occasion or holiday or whatever, i can count on my a to sabatoge it in some way or another. i either read or heard or was told, i can't remember which, that special occasions of any sort are a trigger for a's or addicts or whatever they are. and that has sure been my experience. i don't think they can even help it. it's like some sort of subconcious threat to them or something. cuz it's an occasion that THEY are not in control of.
sometimes i am able to prepare myself for this 'expected' sabatoge, and plan around it and prepare for it and not let him ruin it for me. and sometimes i fail miserably. the times i really fail are the times when i am hoping for him to be my 'fantasy man', and be what i WANT him to be. i do much better when i am living in reality. alanon says we should have no expectations. well, i have to say, i can always 'expect' him to do something to make special days or holidays or whatever, hectic or chaotic or frustrating. but it's when i 'expect' him to be normal that i end up hurt and disappointed.
your post has really helped remind me of this. to 'expect' him to do something i don't want him to do, and to NOT 'expect' him to be normal about it.
i don't know if this helps at all, but i just wanted to reply to you cuz i can relate. like i said, your post and your replies have also helped me. i have my 45th bday coming up soon, and i think i will just take myself out for seafood!!!
You deserve special acknowledgement on your 40th birthday Froggy! Happy, Happy Birthday! even if you wish he'd have made it special, let the one person you CAN count on make it special for you. YOU!!! do it tomorrow or do it next week. Just do it! without knowing you, i know that you have accomplished things in your life that you are proud of. celebrate you! do something that you know you will walk away from feeling satisfied and pleased! and it would be REALLY cool if you would write a post about what you did!
Bless you and all you have accomplished Froggy!
search41
Happy Belated Birthday! I am sorry that you were hurt. It is hard for me too, not to have expectations of my A. What did you do for yourself on your birthday? I had a birthday a few years ago, when my children all lived at home, they all left for school and then my A left for work. Not one of them said "happy birthday" to me.....I cried and cried and cried. I called a girlfriend and she left work and came and kidnapped me. We had the best time! Do something nice for yourself.
Hugs Mary
I went shopping on my birthday and bought myself some clothes from a second hand store. I love bargains and good finds. I picked up a present for a niece who has a birthday near mine at a local bookstore. I went out to dinner tonight with family and it was nice, but my mother controlled where everyone sat and I was kind of isolated in a corner. She's very domineering, but means well. My A was there. He made me cry on the way to pick up my Mom, but I got better. He's very irritable and awful these days. Still there seems to be a lump in my throat all the time now. His drinking has been out of control for years and years, but he's getting grouchier. My mother notices the changes. I don't know where he is now and although I'm sort of apprehensive about his safety, I am kind of relieved to have some alone time. My husband doesn't work and is always here. I am kind of a loner by nature and need quite a bit of space, but don't often get it. Why do any of us stay? A marriage is supposed to be two people who share lives and endeavor to make the lives of one another better. I know marriage is often not ideal, but this truly is insanity.
So many posters talk about having no expectations (which is reasonable), but with no hope and no feeling of being able to rely on spouse--what the heck is the point? I know we all have to answer these questions for ourselves, but why do any of you stay in a relationship with a practicing alcoholic? What do you get out of it?